Pretty in Pink!

Last night we were at Teresa's and downloaded her pictures of Jillian....it was so fun to see some new ones I hadn't seen before! She got some really good ones that I didn't have...which I am thankful for! Here are a couple of my favorites!

I LOVE this first one------this pink Gap outfit was my favorite!!!!! Pretty in Pink!!!!

Daddy was the only one that go to feed Jillian. She ate a few times, tiny drops at a time, but she did get a little something.....quite a fighter she was!

I get to post pictures of Ellie and Malia everyday---so I thought why not post a couple new ones of Jillian----I like to show her off as well! I am the proud mommy of 3 girls, and we will never forget that! :)

Another Favorite

Here is another favorite I wanted to share----this was taken minutes after Jillian was born----she looks so happy and smiling!

I tell ya, I thought each day was suppose to get easier, but it sure isn't, I think it is opposite for me. It's tough---but just look at that little face.

Angel Blankets

The day of our fundraiser, the girls were given these gifts from the residents at the nursing home...beautiful tie blankets with angels on them-----their "Jillian Blankets"! So neat...and something they can use and cherish forever!

One Month

Our little peanut would be 1 month old today....Adam had to work tonight, but the girls and I went to visit Jillian tonight after it got dark to see her light. I think today it has really hit me and has been a pretty rough night. Ellie and I sat there and cried, and laughed. Ellie says she wishes she had a button to push that would send her to heaven so she can give Jillian a hug, and then come back to us. So sweet. We also talked about how cute she was, and how we wish she didn't have that darn "owie". We also talked about the cute little faces she made, all her big yawns, and the times she stuck her tongue out, how we thought her dark hair was just so cute, and how we still knows she is a brown eyed girl just like us! We also decided to call her our "squeaky peanut"---because she sure made a lot of "squeaky" noises, and she was just a little peanut----both girls were calling her that tonight.

Jillian, we miss you so much. We wish we had just one more day with you, to hold you again, hug and kiss you...and tell you how much we love you. You have a permanent place in our family, and will forever, no matter what. We know you are watching over us each day, you are our special angel. We love you (squeaky peanut)

Jillian's Story Continued

Continuing from where I left off before----Jillian passed away at 7:35 on July 15. This was obviously very heart wrenching for all of us, but I think something came over me, maybe adrenaline, right away I knew I needed to get myself up and going, and there were still pictures we needed to take, the next couple hours are kinda a blur to me----I remember taking a shower and trying to make myself presentable for pictures, my dad called Danika to see if she could get there right away...and she did! By this time, I was up and going, and was able to dress my little girl for the first time. I changed her into her beautiful, long, white gown...it was a little big, but she looked like an angel. Danika did a great job getting some pictures of Jillian in her gown, with her Angel bear, all three of the girls together, Jillian's tiny toes and fingers, family pictures, pictures with the girls and their bracelets that Ellie had made.....I knew exactly in my head all the details I wanted to remember her by, and with the help of Danika, we were able to achieve that. When we were done with the dress, I changed her into her last outfit I brought with us, and I think my favorite, being the little pink Gap outfit, with matching onesie and hat, and little white socks----it was a preemie size, and I think it was made for her. She just looked beautiful in this little pastel pink outfit----not that that outfits matter, it is just the memory of her with these "tangible" things that we hold in our hearts.

Wow----it really is hard to take myself back to that day, I can feel all the emotions coming back...

After we were done with pictures, we spent the next couple hours with Jillian. A lot of our family stopped by the hospital again to see her one last time before the funeral. I don't know what it was, but in those hours after she passed, she looked so content and peaceful. That was the hardest few hours---it might have been selfish, but I didn't want to share her. I knew in a couple hours, we were going to have to let her go, so it was hard for me to not have her in my arms----this little girl that was just inside me for the last 9 months, would soon be gone, forever. At one point, I think it all just hit me, and with most of our family in the room, I just lost it, I was trying to be sooo strong, but sometimes you can only do that so long. I also knew it was about time for us to call the funeral home and have them come and get her. Adam and I spent a little time alone with Jillian, we KNEW this time was coming, but I don't think ANYTHING could have prepared me for how I would feel when they actually got there to take her. The thing I remember from that moment, is what I was MAD! This is the first time that I really was MAD that this was happening to us----and wanted to know WHY US??? It is so unfair. That is the part I am really trying to forget....that moment when I had to kiss her and send her away is just something no parents should have to do-----and there are no words to describe how much that hurt.......

Soon after she was taken, they released me as well. This is one thing I will be forever thankful for---there is no way I could have stayed at the hospital, in that room, any longer. That is where Jillian spent her entire life, I couldn't stay there without her. So luckily we have a GREAT doctor that I will be forever grateful too, for letting me go home, and making a special house call the next day instead of keeping me there. Luckily, I had GREAT help at home too....which I couldn't have done it without the help of especially my mom, she was my nurse for a couple days. To think...I had just had surgery a day and a half ago, and now I was recovering from that, and also had a broken heart. I also don't know how I would have gotten through the next few days without the help of our families----I say it all the time, but really we were very blessed to have such wonderful support during that time. I have a "blogger friend" who also lost her baby boy, and she talks a lot about how a lot of her friends and family abandoned them afterwards. I know that was a really hard thing for me after the funeral and everything is "over"---is that everyone returns to work, continues on with their lives, and we are still sitting here with our worlds torn apart. It was especially hard for me when my mom had to go back to Denver the day after Jillian's service-----it was nice to have people around, and the distractions, and then all the sudden, you are sitting here all alone----thinking, now what? Grief is such a crazy thing.
(Click here to read how Trisha describes this as "Drowning" )

Ok, that is all for now, this is so much harder than I thought----I want to make sure I get this all down though, I want to get it written before I maybe forget some details. If some of this doesn't make sense, because it is just my rambling on and on---sorry, but I am just typing what I am feeling and how I see things.....I am no writer by any means, but I am writing from my heart...and want to document all of this, it is just REALLY hard reliving it---and as hard as it is to relive it, it also makes me smile to relive it....there is so much heartache, but I also smile when I picture her cute little face, and everything about her-----our baby girl. So many mixed emotions.

I just know one thing-----we all MISS her and LOVE her SO MUCH!

Good Read

I have received a few books on grief over the past few months (and no duplicates either if you can believe that?!) And the one I am reading now is called Dear Cheyenne(the 6th edition). I am almost done, but wanted to share how much I have enjoyed reading this book, and would highly receommend it to anyone dealing with infant grief. Thanks Sheryl!