Story of Jillian Grace

Happy Heanenly Birthday

2011-07-20T23:59:00.000-05:00

Our sweet Baby Jillian celebrated her 2nd birthday this month in Heaven. So hard to believe it has been 2 years already, and then at the same time, I think how much have happened in the last 2 years, that is seems like she was born so long ago.

I can say we are all in a good place right now. Obviously Jillian is still very much a part of our family, and always will be. I can't wait until Brylie is old enough to understand, and know the meaning behind her middle name, etc. Ellie and Malia ALWAYS talk about Jillian, they talk about her as is she is here with us, she just comes up in normal conversation, and I love how honest and open they are about her, and not a day goes by that Jillian is not brought up....like driving in the car and Ellie will say, "Hey Mom, if Jillian was here, where which seat would she be in?" or when the girls are being overly crazy, she will say "Just think if Jillian was here, how would you handle all 4 of us?!" I love that we can talk about her and not always feel sad.

This year for her 2nd birthday, we planned the same as we did last year. I ordered PINK AND GREEN cookies, we released PINK AND GREEN balloons, and all wore our Jillian shirts to the cemetery for a little party.

After Jillian passed away, I put all of her special things in her chest that we received from Doug and Teresa. Since then, none of us have opened the chest. Well, the night of her 2nd birthday, we decided to open it and look at all her things. That was certainly just as hard as I had imagined it would be. Holding her little clothes instantly brought tears to my eyes. They are so tiny and still have stains on them, from her spitting up, and a stain on her hat from her "owie." But it also felt good to look through everything again...all the things people had given us, the cards, the card boxes....so much love in that little chest!
We are going to make it a tradition, to open it every year on her birthday. :)

Here are some of her special things. We are grateful for a private cemetery that allows us to keep special things at her grave.

Our family

The cookies were PERFECT! I asked for pink and green flowers and butterflies, and that is just what I got! Not to mention they tasted so yummy too!!

The 22 pink and green balloons. We all write messages on each balloon, and each balloon represents each hour she was with us on Earth.

We are so blessed with such a fabulous support system! Thanks to everyone who came to celebrate Jillian with us. She is very much loved!

Another special gift!

Happy Heavenly 2nd Birthday Baby Jillian!

For Jillian...

2011-07-02T00:53:00.002-05:00

The First Annual Jillian Grace Duck Race was a huge success! Check out this press update on the hospital website!

HORN MEMORIAL HOSPITAL

Jillian Grace Duck Race

2011-05-30T23:27:00.003-05:00

Check out the blog I have set up for the Jillian Grace Duck Race we are hosting, as a way to raise money and give back to our local hospital, in honor of Baby Jillian!

Jillian Grace Duck Race

Perfect

2011-03-24T22:54:00.000-05:00

19 Months

2011-02-14T23:01:00.003-06:00

Wow. 19 Months already since Jillian's birth.

Valentine's Day might never really feel the same again. 2 years ago we found out about Jillian's fatal condition, just the day before Valentine's Day. I think I now associate this day with her diagnosis, it just isn't the same anymore. Coincidentally, today is also 19 months since her birth.

I felt like I needed a "Jillian Post!" It had been awhile, I get to blog about the other girls all the time, it was Jillian's turn.

I know we cherish the moments we had with her and still think about her often. We wonder what she would look like now, what she would be doing, saying, eating, what her laugh would be like and I am sure her smile would light up a room!

I LOVE how Ellie and Malia bring Jillian up AT LEAST once every single day. She is ALWAYS included in their cute little family drawings, and whenever Ellie writes the members of our family, she NEVER leaves her out. I love that.

I also think what a blessing Brylie is and as Ellie said to me the other day..."Mom, Jillian did such a good job sending Brylie to us."

Love this one soon after she was born....she is smiling and trying to find her thumb! :)

First Year

2010-07-26T22:30:00.004-05:00

We have made it through, what we have been told, is the hardest year...the first. Making it through the first Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthday, etc....without her. It has been a tough year, and not a day goes by that we don't think of Jillian, or wish she was here with us, but what keeps up going is knowing we will get to see her again one day!

My plan was to blog about Jillian until her first birthday, and then I was going to print her blog so I would have it forever to look at, and read about all the feelings I had during her time in my belly, the 22 hours she was with us, and the year following her death. That was my plan, until I got a package in the mail today, opened it up, and it was a printed book of Jillian's blog! I instantly started crying when I saw her little face on the front of the book! My friend Candi had told me to be expecting a gift in the mail, but I had no idea this is what it would be!!!!!!!!! I was beyond happy when I opened this!

I know I say it all the time, but I don't know how we would have gotten through the last couple years without the wonderful support of our A M A Z I N G friends and family! I don't feel like I can even thank everyone enough---but really and truly we are so thankful for all of you! It's not about the gifts either....yes, they are wonderful, and we have gifts all over our house that have been given to us from friends and family, and all of it being very special to us. It's also the continued cards, and phone calls, and e-mails to tell us they are thinking of us...still even a year later! I have NEVER felt alone or abandoned, as I know other families have endured. I can only hope that I am and can be as good of friend as mine have been to me(which is a high standard!!)

So THANK YOU CANDI for this amazing gift you have given us, and to all our friends and family(you know who you are!!!!) for your continued love and support. I am so glad we were able to introduce Jillian to all of you, either in person, or through pictures or video on our blog. She was one amazing little girl and I look forward to the day our family is all reunited again!

(We received a plaque with this quote on it that sits in our bedroom with Jillian's picture...I thought I would share....

The Broken Chain
We little knew that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly,
in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
you did not go alone,
For part of us went with you,
the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories,
your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you,
your always at our side.
Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.

I took a few pictures of Jillian's Blog Book! We will certainly cherish this FOREVER!

Sisters are Forever Friends

2010-07-19T15:16:00.004-05:00

Yesterday Malia brought home a pink balloon from the birthday party she went to. The girls have been playing with it, and then I heard Ellie ask Malia if they should send Jillian a message? They asked me if they could write a message and let it go.... Ellie says:"It doesn't have to be Jillian's birthday to send a message, does it?" Of course I let them write a message and release the balloon. After letting the balloon go, Malia says, "Mom, how do we get to Heaven, can we drive there in a car?" If it was only that easy we'd fuel up and be on our way in a heartbeat! :)

Jillian is ALWAYS on our minds and in our hearts, and it makes me thrilled to know the girls still think of Jillian all the time too, I hope the memories never fade.

Once a sister....always a sister....no matter what!!

The "Party"

2010-07-14T20:50:00.008-05:00

Despite the weather, we had a really nice little "party" for Jillian tonight at the cemetery. We had planned to meet at 6:15, for a balloon release and cupcakes. It was questionable all day if we would be able to, since we were severe weather watches, and when we got there, it was getting very dark and cloudy, like it could start storming any minute! Not to mention the heat index was 106 today and SO HUMID! We got all the balloons handed out, some of us wrote notes on the balloons, or attached notes, then we all sang Happy Birthday to Jillian...and let our balloons go! It was so neat to see all the pink and green balloons! We got 22 balloons.....each one representing each hour she was with us 1 year ago!

And of course, I had to make pink and green cupcakes!!!

As soon as we got the cupcakes eaten and to our cars, it started to sprinkle...this was the sky as I was headed home! Luckily it held off long enough for us to celebrate. I felt like there was so much more I wanted to do...but couldn't since she isn't here. I always throw parties for all my girls, and sometimes go overboard, so I feel like I did the best I could for Jillian.....but it just doesn't feel like enough. That must be the "mom" in me.....you just want to do the best for your kids....I hope she knew I put a lot of thought and love into the details!!!!!

The girls gave their Jillian bears extra hugs today!

We even got a couple very nice gifts from some friends and family! I LOVE how my sister wrapped this one in pink and green and wrote Jillian's name on it!!!!!!

Here are a few gifts we received----we can't THANK YOU enough for thinking of us and Jillian!! We also received a couple really nice cards, e-mails, etc! It means SO MUCH!!!!! Also thanks to everyone that was able to join us tonight and those that couldn't be with us---I know you were thinking of us!!!!

Tonight before tucking the girls into bed, we all picked a cupcake and a candle, and sang Happy Birthday again, and we all made a wish and blew out the candles!

As hard as today was, it feels good to know we celebrated just for her! I know she was only with us for a short time on Earth, but she is forever in our hearts!!

WE LOVE YOU BABY JILLIAN!!!!

Jillian's Video

2010-07-14T15:58:00.003-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JILLIAN!!!! Mommy made this video as a tribute to your life, that was cut too short. We are thrilled to have spent 22 hours with you, which is more than we ever expected, but still we would have loved a lifetime...to get to know you, watch you grow, and watch you interact with your sisters. You are so loved and we think about you often, but you already know that.

Happy Birthday!
Love,
Daddy, Mommy, Ellie, Malia and Baby Brylie

Hope you enjoy the video-----might need a box of kleenex!

And a big thanks to my brother in law Aaron for helping me finish the video!!!!!!!

Sisters Singing

2010-07-03T16:08:00.005-05:00

With Jillian's 1st birthday fast approaching, I thought I would share a couple videos. Before Jillian was born, I asked Malia what she was going to say when she met Jillian, and she told me she was going to sing her Twinkle Twinkle Little Star....and she did...it was too cute and melts my heart to see these girls singing to their baby sister. (You will need to go to the bottom and pause the playlist to hear the videos)

Ellie also made up a song she had planned to sing to Jillian as well.....

I have more videos of Jillian when she is born and crying, and of her making noises and blowing bubbles before she passed away. Not sure if I will share those, and some things are sacred and we will share with our families....but I thought the girls singing was so cute not to share.

I have also been working on Jillian's video and plan to post that on her birthday to everyone to enjoy and I have not opened Jillian's chest in a few months, and everything is still exactly where it was when I put it in there last summer...so we also plan to open it and go through all her little things again on her birthday...Ellie is especially excited to do this. We aren't planning anything big to celebrate, decorating her grave with birthday decor, a balloon release, and some cupcakes...we will celebrate the wonderful 22 hours we got to spend with Jillian.

11 Months

2010-06-17T09:56:00.003-05:00

We would never have guessed that Jillian would be a big sister only 11 months after she went to Heaven...but we are thrilled to introduce Brylie Nicole-Grace into our family. We gave her the middle name Grace, to hopefully carry Jillian on for generations.

Someone left me a comment and said:

"I too believe that angel Jillian is smiling down from heaven. Maybe, just maybe she hand picked Brylie out, just for you."

Perfect!

Here is Brylie Nicole-Grace (I think with the pictures side by side, she does resemble Jillian!)

Jillian Grace----proud Big Sister in Heaven

Jillian's Marker

2010-06-09T22:04:00.004-05:00

Today Jillian's marker was installed. We are thrilled to finalyl have her marker there, and to have a vase to arrange some flowers...instead of shoving them in the ground! I will be on the hunt for some perfect flowers for her first arrangement!! Tonight I just added what was already out there.

We are not sure what we think of it yet. I mean it will work and we do like it, but we were thinking there would be more granite than concrete, but there sure is a big chun kof concrete around it. It will work though----we love the granite we picked out, and the angel we picked for the corner, and will remind us of Jillian everytime we visit. I think no matter what, it is hard to "fall in love" with a marker that represents a child you buried. We moved all of her special things and I am now on the hunt for a birthday flag! Just over a month and we will celebrate her 1 year birthday----wow, almost a year already?

After we got all of her special things moved...

10 months

2010-05-15T10:39:00.004-05:00

I got a special package in the mail a few weeks ago from a good friend of mine, it was a nice card, with some packets of flower seeds(4 packs, 1 for each of our girls!) I got the idea to let Ellie and Malia plant them for Jillian. So yesterday, I picked up a couple small pots for each of them, we planted the seeds, and then each girl got to decorate their pots with stickers and markers and as soon as the flowers start to go, we will take them out to Jillian! The girls had a fun time planting and decorating---and thanks to my friend Amy for always being so thoughtful!!!

Here are a few pictures of the girls:

I know Jillian was smiling down on us while we were doing this for her! We try to incorporate her in most things we do, because she is a part of our family, no matter what. We are also very excited to add her little sister to the family in just 10 days! I also know she will be watching over us to make sure everything goes just fine!!

And I can't post without a picture of our beautiful little girl with her beautiful big sisters!!

WE LOVE AND MISS YOU BABY JILLIAN!!!!!!!

9 Months

2010-04-14T16:20:00.006-05:00

Wow----9 months already since Miss Jillian was born. The months just keep coming and going...and she is always in our hearts and on our minds.

We finally picked out her marker last week, so will be nice to get that up at the cemetery soon! We also took some pretty pink and white flowers out for spring, and she got a new night light from Grandma Teresa and Grandpa Doug---it glows green and has butterflies on it. We got a vase to go with the marker, so I am anxious to have a place to arrange the flowers, instead of sticking them in the dirt. I will be sure to post pictures when all of that is done!

I like to post pictures of Jillian each month and wanted to show just how beautiful she looked in burial outfit...in her pretty dress and sweater and jewelry...she also has her teddy bear, blanket and her bible tucked beside her as well. These pictures are a little harder to see and takes me back to the day of the funeral...but she is just so pretty :)

We love and miss you "Baby" Jillian!!

8 Months

2010-03-14T20:31:00.004-05:00

Today marks 8 months since Jillian was born. It has been a hard winter here not being able to visit the cemetery since Thanksgiving---BUT I drove by today and it looks like another day or 2 of melting and we WILL BE ABLE TO VISIT!!!!!! I was thrilled!! I am anxious to get out there and take down all her Christmas decorations, and replace them with bright, spring decorations!

We are also busy preparing for our March of Dimes walk coming up in May---we have received several donations in Jillian's honor already! Thank you to everyone that has made a donation, ordered a shirt, that is going to walk with us, and that loves Jillian as much as we do!

With eight months gone by, I can say we are doing well and it has gotten easier. I would say we are in a good place, and have so many things to be grateful for and so many things to look forward to....and Jillian is here with us each step of the way!

A beautiful little angel!

One Year

2010-02-12T23:02:00.002-06:00

One year ago tomorrow, was one of the worst days, if not THE worst day of our lives. (aside from the day we had to bury our daughter) We were expecting our little miracle baby, the one we prayed for, the one we tried for 15 months with no luck, the one we had already fallen in love with. We were 16 weeks along, and were so excited for a routine ultrasound. I remember I was excited, but Adam and I didn't tell ANYONE we even had an ultrasound. The only ones that knew where my grandma and grandpa, because they watched Malia for us while we went. In the past, with both Ellie and Malia, I would broadcast to anyone that we were having an ultrasound, and that we couldn't wait to find out if it was a boy or girl. This time was different. Like deep down I didn't want everyone to know we were going, so I would not be getting several calls and e-mails asking how it went? Even when we got to the ultrasound that day, I told Adam while in the waiting room, that I was very nervous and anxious about this, I had a different feeling. (Not to mention it was Friday the 13th, and I even thought about rescheduling when I found out they scheduled this for Friday the 13th.)

The first part of the ultrasound was normal, we saw the baby moving around like crazy!! We heard the heartbeat and everything was looking good. It's funny how the thing I was most excited about was to find out the sex, never really thinking anything would be terribly wrong. As she was looking over everything, it suddenly got very quiet in the room. An awkward quiet. The kind of silence that makes your heart race, as you can almost tell something is wrong, and no one has to say a word. She then told us to look at the monitor...and pointed out where the baby's head was, and explained to us that she did not see the brain or skull. She teared up instantly, and that is when we knew this was bad. She turned off the monitor and called our dr right away.

In that moment, everything came crashing down. This was suppose to be such an exciting, fun time for us and our family, and here we are sitting in a room about to hear that our baby has a fatal condition. When Dr. Veltri got there, he explained to us that our baby(not sure if this was a boy or girl at this point) had Anencephaly. Neither Adam or I had ever heard of this. He explained that it was fatal, and we had a couple options. I think we were all so in shock, none of us knew what was going to happen. We scheduled an appointment in Omaha for Monday, so we had to sit at home all weekend with this news. I am glad we had that time though, because I think Adam and I both researched as much as we could, which is what brought us to our decision to carry to term. It helped us so much reading blogs of other families that were going through the same thing. If they could do this, so could we. I still wasn't sure how I was going to go the next 6 months, carrying a baby inside me that was not going to live, but knew it would all work out like it was suppose to....and it did.

I wish every day I could go back to that day, and change the outcome, I wish everyday that Jillian was here with us. Some days I get so mad at all of this, some days I still feel like I am in shock as to what we have been through. But with all that said, I would not change anything given the situation we were in. Yes, I could change the diagnosis in a heartbeat, but I know we are so glad we carried to term and got to spend so much time with Jillian. Sunday also marks 7 months since she was born......7 months already. Seven months of missing her.....each day we miss her the same. The pain doesn't get any better. How we deal with is has gotten better, but I don't think that pain will ever go away....

6 Months

2010-01-14T18:40:00.004-06:00

Six months ago today, Miss Jillian Grace was welcomed into our family. I look back at these pictures, and it sure brings back a lot of emotions. We couldn't be prouder to call her our daughter, and she has 2 very proud big sisters. Jillian is very much a part of our family, and not a day goes by that we don't think about her. What I wouldn't give to give her just one more hug and kiss....

Love and Miss you lots baby girl.....

Love this one with Jillian's Great Grandparents

(all images were taken by Knop Photogrpahy)

Here is Jillian with the 3 bears: one was buried with Jillian, Ellie sleeps with hers ever night, and Malia's sits on her shelf in her room. I know the girls will hold a special place for these bears for years and years.

I know I said I was not going to add anymore to Jillian's blog, but since I still have not had it printed, I thought I would add to it, and have it printed for her 1st birthday.

3 Months

2009-10-14T13:23:00.003-05:00

Today is a little bittersweet for me....my 29th birthday, and also just 3 months ago Jillian Grace was born. She would be 3 months old today, and as much as I soooo wish she was here, I know she is celebrating in Heaven, and also she is here celebrating with us.

I know everyone always says, "I can't believe it had been that long already" and I guess for me, I feel like it has been sooo long ago she was with us. Don't know why that is, just seems like a lot longer than 3 months.

I know Jillian was sent to us for a reason, and I feel like because of her I have become a lot stronger person. I feel her with me everyday and I feel like there are so many things I want to accomplish and never had the nerve to do it before, and now I feel like she is giving me a nudge, and telling me to go for it! She is one special little girl, and she doesn't need to be here on Earth for me to know that. Every time I see her pictures, her sweet little smile...it makes me smile now more than cry....but still have plenty of tears now and then.

This is going to be the last post on Jillian's Blog. I am ready to print it and add it to her memory chest. She is a part of our family, so anything about her will be added to my family blog. I had this blog at first to keep people updated on her journey....and I don't really have much more to say that can't be said on our family blog.

I want to thank all of you for following along, all your thoughts and prayers through this journey....we have an amazing group of people, some we have known forever, some we have become friends through Jillian, and some I have never met, but know you are going through this same journey, and you are all strong woman and we are all becoming stronger through each other.

Happy 3 Months in Heaven Jillian! We all love you and miss you so much---but you already know that!

2 Months

2009-09-14T11:54:00.003-05:00

It has been 2 months today, since Jillian was born. We still miss her as much as we did the day she left us and went to Heaven. We still think about her several times each and every day, and she is still a big part of our family, even though we can't see her, we know she is with us, helping get through. Isn't she the cutest little angel you have ever seen?!

I might be a little partial---but I sure think so!

Jillian's Story Continued...

2009-09-01T22:25:00.003-05:00

Ok, picking up where I left off from before....I was released from the hospital only about 30 hours after Jillian arrived, and coming home without our little girl was terrible. I was full of adrenaline int he hospital, and really felt no pain, until I got home, my heart was aching, and so was my body. I am lucky that my mom was staying with us to help take care of me, and lucky that my in laws and Andrew and Lisa watched the girls for us, and kept things pretty "normal" for them. The night we came home I went to bed early, as I didn't sleep a wink the night before, as I was holding Jillian all night, taking to her, watching her make her cute faces, and noises, I didn't want to miss a thing, and know God allowed me to have that special time with her, alone, just her and I.

We had to wait until Friday to get to dress her, and we were both very anxious to get to see and hold Jillian again. We got to dress her in her beautiful pink and white striped dress, with the matching cardigan. We spent some time holding her and taking it all in. It was so hard when it was time to lay her in her tiny casket. I knew this was the last time I would hold her. She layed in the little white casket, wrapped in the beautiful blanket Teresa had made, her little angel bear that matches Ellie and Malia's, and her beautiful diamond cross necklace that Aunt Jamie had given her. She looked so cute, I just wanted to bring her home, not place her in the casket.

The following day, Saturday, just 4 days after she was born, was the day to say our final goodbyes. We had a private family visitation at the funeral home, and a short graveside service at the cemetery. Afterwards, Adam's aunts put together a very nice reception for everyone at our house, I am so glad we did this. I didn't want to come home to an empty house without her. It was sad though, all our family here, she was the missing piece. We should have been throwing a party for everyone to meet her, instead we were gathering to celebrate her 22 hours, which is nice, just not what we had ever planned. We had 9 months to plan for Jillian, not in a normal way you plan for a baby, but the only way we knew how to plan for our baby that wasn't going to survive. I think looking back, I don't think we could have planned and prepared for her any better. With that said, looking back on things after she was born, there are still a couple things that I am really struggling with, things I wish I would have done differently...nothing that I can change, just something I have to deal with I guess.....just precious time we can't get back.

I never imagined in my life that I would bury my baby, just isn't something you really ever think about until it happens. It's so hard...we think about her everyday. Some days are still hard, but most days are ok. I can feel we are being carried, through every one's prayers.

It is so hard for me to look back and try to "replay" in my mind every little detail.....it is too hard. So this is the last of Jillian's story that I am going to share. My plan is to keep her blog up for a little while longer, and when I am ready, I am going to print her blog, and add it to her memory chest. I guess I feel like she is now a part of our family, and anything I want to write about her, or update about her, will be a part of our family blog. I am not quite ready to complete this blog yet, but in due time.

Thanks to all my loyal readers, to keeping up with my ramblings. I feel like I just ramble, and not sure if any of it really makes sense, and I am NOT GOOD with talking about how I am feeling, but I am working on that. Adam and I are BOTH working on that and grieving TOGETHER. It's hard, its hard for me to show my emotions to anyone, and I know it is for Adam as well. We are just trying to do the best we can. Some days are still really hard, and some days we are ok. Not a day goes by that Jillian isn't in our thoughts...we miss her sooo much, but I say it all the time....HOW LUCKY ARE WE....TO SPEND 22 FABULOUS HOURS WITH HER????? I mean really-----she was a fighter, and I will never forget the quiet hours in the night I spent with her and I alone....its priceless. I know that in her short time, all she knew was LOVE.

Some more pictures:

Jillian and I on the ride to our room---proud mommy!!

This is a picture I took in the night when it was just her and I, she was blowing bubbles and making cute high pitched noises. I have it on video, but we haven't brought ourselves to watch it yet---but we will.

This is at the funeral home, after getting her dressed.

Her beautiful flowers.....and the butterflies were a perfect touch! :)

Pretty in Pink!

2009-08-23T22:40:00.006-05:00

Last night we were at Teresa's and downloaded her pictures of Jillian....it was so fun to see some new ones I hadn't seen before! She got some really good ones that I didn't have...which I am thankful for! Here are a couple of my favorites!

I LOVE this first one------this pink Gap outfit was my favorite!!!!! Pretty in Pink!!!!

Daddy was the only one that go to feed Jillian. She ate a few times, tiny drops at a time, but she did get a little something.....quite a fighter she was!

I get to post pictures of Ellie and Malia everyday---so I thought why not post a couple new ones of Jillian----I like to show her off as well! I am the proud mommy of 3 girls, and we will never forget that! :)

Another Favorite

2009-08-19T08:48:00.004-05:00

Here is another favorite I wanted to share----this was taken minutes after Jillian was born----she looks so happy and smiling!

I tell ya, I thought each day was suppose to get easier, but it sure isn't, I think it is opposite for me. It's tough---but just look at that little face.

Angel Blankets

2009-08-18T12:04:00.004-05:00

The day of our fundraiser, the girls were given these gifts from the residents at the nursing home...beautiful tie blankets with angels on them-----their "Jillian Blankets"! So neat...and something they can use and cherish forever!

One Month

2009-08-14T17:02:00.003-05:00

Our little peanut would be 1 month old today....Adam had to work tonight, but the girls and I went to visit Jillian tonight after it got dark to see her light. I think today it has really hit me and has been a pretty rough night. Ellie and I sat there and cried, and laughed. Ellie says she wishes she had a button to push that would send her to heaven so she can give Jillian a hug, and then come back to us. So sweet. We also talked about how cute she was, and how we wish she didn't have that darn "owie". We also talked about the cute little faces she made, all her big yawns, and the times she stuck her tongue out, how we thought her dark hair was just so cute, and how we still knows she is a brown eyed girl just like us! We also decided to call her our "squeaky peanut"---because she sure made a lot of "squeaky" noises, and she was just a little peanut----both girls were calling her that tonight.

Jillian, we miss you so much. We wish we had just one more day with you, to hold you again, hug and kiss you...and tell you how much we love you. You have a permanent place in our family, and will forever, no matter what. We know you are watching over us each day, you are our special angel. We love you (squeaky peanut)

Jillian's Story Continued

2009-08-03T23:07:00.003-05:00

Continuing from where I left off before----Jillian passed away at 7:35 on July 15. This was obviously very heart wrenching for all of us, but I think something came over me, maybe adrenaline, right away I knew I needed to get myself up and going, and there were still pictures we needed to take, the next couple hours are kinda a blur to me----I remember taking a shower and trying to make myself presentable for pictures, my dad called Danika to see if she could get there right away...and she did! By this time, I was up and going, and was able to dress my little girl for the first time. I changed her into her beautiful, long, white gown...it was a little big, but she looked like an angel. Danika did a great job getting some pictures of Jillian in her gown, with her Angel bear, all three of the girls together, Jillian's tiny toes and fingers, family pictures, pictures with the girls and their bracelets that Ellie had made.....I knew exactly in my head all the details I wanted to remember her by, and with the help of Danika, we were able to achieve that. When we were done with the dress, I changed her into her last outfit I brought with us, and I think my favorite, being the little pink Gap outfit, with matching onesie and hat, and little white socks----it was a preemie size, and I think it was made for her. She just looked beautiful in this little pastel pink outfit----not that that outfits matter, it is just the memory of her with these "tangible" things that we hold in our hearts.

Wow----it really is hard to take myself back to that day, I can feel all the emotions coming back...

After we were done with pictures, we spent the next couple hours with Jillian. A lot of our family stopped by the hospital again to see her one last time before the funeral. I don't know what it was, but in those hours after she passed, she looked so content and peaceful. That was the hardest few hours---it might have been selfish, but I didn't want to share her. I knew in a couple hours, we were going to have to let her go, so it was hard for me to not have her in my arms----this little girl that was just inside me for the last 9 months, would soon be gone, forever. At one point, I think it all just hit me, and with most of our family in the room, I just lost it, I was trying to be sooo strong, but sometimes you can only do that so long. I also knew it was about time for us to call the funeral home and have them come and get her. Adam and I spent a little time alone with Jillian, we KNEW this time was coming, but I don't think ANYTHING could have prepared me for how I would feel when they actually got there to take her. The thing I remember from that moment, is what I was MAD! This is the first time that I really was MAD that this was happening to us----and wanted to know WHY US??? It is so unfair. That is the part I am really trying to forget....that moment when I had to kiss her and send her away is just something no parents should have to do-----and there are no words to describe how much that hurt.......

Soon after she was taken, they released me as well. This is one thing I will be forever thankful for---there is no way I could have stayed at the hospital, in that room, any longer. That is where Jillian spent her entire life, I couldn't stay there without her. So luckily we have a GREAT doctor that I will be forever grateful too, for letting me go home, and making a special house call the next day instead of keeping me there. Luckily, I had GREAT help at home too....which I couldn't have done it without the help of especially my mom, she was my nurse for a couple days. To think...I had just had surgery a day and a half ago, and now I was recovering from that, and also had a broken heart. I also don't know how I would have gotten through the next few days without the help of our families----I say it all the time, but really we were very blessed to have such wonderful support during that time. I have a "blogger friend" who also lost her baby boy, and she talks a lot about how a lot of her friends and family abandoned them afterwards. I know that was a really hard thing for me after the funeral and everything is "over"---is that everyone returns to work, continues on with their lives, and we are still sitting here with our worlds torn apart. It was especially hard for me when my mom had to go back to Denver the day after Jillian's service-----it was nice to have people around, and the distractions, and then all the sudden, you are sitting here all alone----thinking, now what? Grief is such a crazy thing.
(Click here to read how Trisha describes this as "Drowning" )

Ok, that is all for now, this is so much harder than I thought----I want to make sure I get this all down though, I want to get it written before I maybe forget some details. If some of this doesn't make sense, because it is just my rambling on and on---sorry, but I am just typing what I am feeling and how I see things.....I am no writer by any means, but I am writing from my heart...and want to document all of this, it is just REALLY hard reliving it---and as hard as it is to relive it, it also makes me smile to relive it....there is so much heartache, but I also smile when I picture her cute little face, and everything about her-----our baby girl. So many mixed emotions.

I just know one thing-----we all MISS her and LOVE her SO MUCH!

Good Read

2009-08-03T19:36:00.004-05:00

I have received a few books on grief over the past few months (and no duplicates either if you can believe that?!) And the one I am reading now is called Dear Cheyenne(the 6th edition). I am almost done, but wanted to share how much I have enjoyed reading this book, and would highly receommend it to anyone dealing with infant grief. Thanks Sheryl!

2 Weeks

2009-07-29T00:02:00.004-05:00

It is hard to believe it has been 2 weeks since Jillian was born. Wow---seems just like yesterday we were all cuddling with her, watching her cute little faces, watching her yawn, and giving her lots of hugs and kisses----and now we are missing her. Each day is different. Some days are ok, I get through the day without crying, and the next, I am very emotional and can't stop thinking about her. But it has only been 2 weeks, so I would assume that is to be expected. We went out to visit Jillian again tonight, always feels comforting to go to the cemetery...we are there almost every night! (We think we need a bench! HAHA!) It is just so peaceful when we go, on the hill with a little breeze and the sun setting---its nice.

Today we also received something in the mail I wasn't quite prepared for----her death certificate. It was a little odd opening up the letter to find out what it was....we haven't even gotten her birth certificate yet---don't really know what to do with it, I guess stick it in her memory box? Hmmmmm? Not sure? Something you don't really think about getting for one of your children...

Ellie has also started to get a little more emotional and had a couple break downs--which was kind of a relief to me. I didn't know how to read her, she really hadn't cried much or talked about Jillian, she been keeping it inside----but now for the past couple nights, she cries at bedtime. She told me she tries not to think about Jillian, because it makes her cry, and at bedtime is when she lays there and thinks about her, so she gets sad. We cry together and I tell her it is ok to cry and think about her, and we will get through this together. One thing she is having a really hard time with, is that she never got to see Jillian's eyes. We all wish she would have looked at us, but for Ellie, it really bothers her. We decided though, that since she had dark hair like me, that her eyes would have been dark too----Ellie just doesn't think she looked like a blue eye or green eyed girl---definitely a brown eyed girl. :) It breaks my heart to have Ellie hurting---I want to take the hurt away from her, but I can't. It is something we all have to endure and face head on. Grief is a crazy thing---even knowing for 6 months about Jillian's condition, you can still NEVER prepare for how much it hurts when they are gone.

Jillian---we all miss you more than words can say. We wish you were here with us right now, I wish I was having sleepless nights, waking up to feed and change you, and rock you back to sleep, I wish your sisters were getting to know you and getting used to your place in our little family, and Daddy was taking long naps with you laying in his chest. I know you are happy, healthy and healed in Heaven, but still can't help but wish you were here.

Heaven's Child

2009-07-27T21:07:00.004-05:00

I wanted to share this poem that my friend, Becky, wrote for Jillian. I love reading it, and plan to put it in a frame with her picture. It means so much Becky, thank you!

(Click on the poem to make it bigger)

Tonight I was also going through and reading all of our cards(there is a lot, I even had to have Candi make me another card box to hold them all) but anyway, I came across one card that just really hit me, I love it so I thought I would share----

A butterfly lands near us,

and for a brief moment,

its beauty belongs to our world...

...but then it flies on again,

and though we wish

it could have stayed,

we feel so lucky

to have seen it.

For some reason, that just really stuck out to me.....and I think of Jillian every time I see a little butterfly, so this card was perfect! So were all the others, so many nice cards, and nice things people have said.....it great to have such wonderful friends and family.

A Few Things

2009-07-26T22:12:00.007-05:00

I have a couple random things I wanted to share with everyone:

Today I spent the morning getting some pictures printed of Jillian and put into frames. The house just seems complete now with a few pictures of her. I have a couple in the living room and dining room, and then put one in both Ellie and Malia's room, and also our bedroom. I was really excited to how well the frame turned out that I did for our room....

We bought this black frame at Target, I printed the pictures from home, and added the vinyl sayings, and also tied her little bracelet to a ribbon and secured it onto the middle of the frame---it couldn't have turned out any better!

I also did the same to the frames in Ellie and Malia's rooms---printed these adorable pictures of Jillian, and added her name in vinyl, and thought the little butterfly was a perfect touch!

Ellie's Picture

Malia's Picture

Tonight before bed, Malia was talking to Jillian's picture, and giving her kisses, and even sang her Twinkle Twinkle Little Star----we want to make sure she knows who her sister is and doesn't forget, since she is so little.

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I also wanted to share this beautiful bracelet I had gotten last week. I LOVE IT----and wear it everyday---it is cute that both the girls will looks at it and tell me who each letter stands for----a huge thank you to Kari for making this for me----you can check out her website at
http://www.4thstreetbeads.com/

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It is hard to believe it will 2 weeks ago on Tuesday that Jillian was born------seems like it was yesterday. We have been doing pretty well, we obviously miss her dearly, and wish things were different, but this is the way our story goes. We go to visit her almost every night, and never say "goodbye" to her, it is always "see you later"---as we know we will see her again someday. When we pull up Malia will yell, "We're Baaaack!!!" It is cute----and blows kisses when we leave.

Ellie has been taking everything extremely well, I don't know if she is too young to really understand, or if she is just so smart that she gets it----a couple times when I was upset, she would bring me a tissue, and tell me we don't have to be sad, Jillian is in Heaven---so I think she really does understand that she is in a good place, but is amazing, she is only 7! So as hard as it is some days, I can't help but get through the day knowing how lucky we really are---to have 2 happy, healthy little girls, and one that we were blessed to have 22 wonderful hours with who is watching over us each day. Still wish I could change things, and she was here with us right now, but I guess we are just trying to move forward and cherish the memories and pictures we have of her...and know we will see her again someday.

One of my favorites

2009-07-23T13:28:00.005-05:00

I wanted to share this picture of little Miss Jillian. I am so glad we took this picture to remember how much hair she had---and how dark it was! So cute.....both Ellie and Malia were bald when they were born and took years to grow(Malia is still working on it at 2 1/2) so I was sooo excited Jillian had hair! We did also cut a little off to keep in her memory box.

The little things that mean sooooo much...

Jillian's Tree

2009-07-22T15:21:00.003-05:00

I know there is no way I can keep up and post all the gifts we have received, but I had to take a picture and post this today. We got this from Adam's aunts, they put on a FABULOUS luncheon for everyone after Jillian's service, and this was a gift we received. It is a pot with Jillian's name painted on it with a little bear, and this beautiful tree! We also added the little butterflies from her flowers from the service and the ribbon-----I think of Jillian every time I look at it.

I will try to post more gifts over the next couple weeks----I hate to leave any out, as all of them are wonderful! From flowers, to a bracelet, picture frames, stones with sayings on them, more Willow Tree figurines, stuffed anumals....so much kindness from everyone!

Well, Adam took the girls to the pool this afternoon, so I am trying to get a few things done in a peaceful house----just thought I would post this for the day.

My Mom is a Survivor

2009-07-21T09:49:00.002-05:00

Here is a poem my sister sent me the day of Jillian's Service.

Maternity Pictures

2009-07-20T23:49:00.002-05:00

For anyone wanting to view our maternity pictures....please go to:
www.knopphotography.com
Click on Clients
Our password is lansink

They turned out great, and I think of Jillian everytime I think of them. We also got back all of our pictures from the hospital, and we are amazed at what a great job she did---but we would like to keep them private, I did post a few favorites yesterday though.....

Missing my little girl tonight...

Jillian's Story

2009-07-20T14:40:00.002-05:00

Jillian Grace Lansink was born on July 14, 2009 at 9:40am. I heard the nurses say "she's out" and the next sound was one of the best sounds I have ever heard-----she cried! Not a lot, but she let out a few good cries, I knew she was still with us. The nurses got her cleaned up and handed her to Adam, then he showed me our beautiful daughter. It was love at first sight. She looked so cute, and tiny. We had Father and our parents waiting in the hallway to have her baptized right away. We also had Dr. Veltri get the girls for us right away, as we weren't sure how much time we had---but at this point, we knew she was still with us, and wanted to make sure Ellie and Malia got to meet their new little sister. They held her and gave her lots of kisses---she fit perfectly into our little family.

After I was ready, they placed Jillian in my arms and wheeled us to our room, where all of our family was patiently waiting to meet little Jillian as well. She was greeted by all of her great-grandparents, aunts and uncles--what a lucky little girl to be surrounded by so much love. I was also getting quite anxious to know her weight, so the nurses gave her a quick bath, and weighed her, she weighed in at 4 pounds 15 ounces! I was happy---we were expecting 5 pounds, so you really can't get much closer of an estimate! It was hard for me at this point, as I couldn't sit up, so I really couldn't help with her bath or get her dressed, but knew she was in good hands. They put on her little pink and green Jillian layette with her matching hat with the pretty bow---she looked beautiful---and so stylish of course. :)

Jillian spent the next hours in the arms of everyone that loved her----she wasn't put down the entire time she was with us. We never got to see her eyes, I kept hoping she would take a peek at us just once, and she tried, but never got a chance to see them. She also had a FULL head of black hair. It is so funny, as I always say how I give birth to my kids, but they never look like me, and I think little Jillian did look like me. Long black hair---it was so cute. Knowing she had Anencephaly, there are a lot of unknowns, and the extent of her defect was one we would not know until she was born, and we were so happy to learn that her head was completely covered with skin and dark hair, there was only a small opening in the back of her head that was open, so not as severe as it could have been I guess. She also made some "cooing" sounds and was a little yawner! She was constantly having big yawns! A few hours after she was born, we also decided to try feeding her with a syringe. She struggled with it at first, but after a couple times, she was taking some and swallowing it. We were pretty excited about that. I didn't want my baby to be hungry!

As night approached, a lot of our family had left, I was exhausted from being sick all day, and not getting any sleep, and so was Adam. My dad said he would stay for awhile so Adam and I could try to get a little sleep. Adam was able to get a little nap in, but as much as I tried, I just couldn't fall asleep. I was too scared if I did, I would wake up and she would be gone. So I told dad I would take her, so Jillian and I got to spend all night together. When Adam woke up about 3 or so, he fed her one last time, she was struggling a lot more this time. We had the nurse come and check her heart rate and lungs again, and her heart was still strong at 120(which is what it had been all day) and her lungs were clear. Adam and spent the next couple hours sitting together holding her, watching her make her little funny faces, and watching her big yawns! She also had started to throw up a couple times in the night, so we thought we better stop the feeding for a bit to see if it continued.

Sometime around maybe 6 am---she started to make some really cute sounds, some we hadn't heard before, she was blowing little bubbles, and then she let out a couple big cries...something we had not heard since the minute she was born. And I happened to get all of this on video---as we thought it was so cute to hear her and watch her blowing her bubbles.

At about 7:15 am, Adam was holding Jillian in the chair right next to my bed, and the nurse came in to check me and to take my catheter out, and Adam said Jillian wasn't moving anymore. The nurse immediately took Jillian over to the couch and checked her heart...she said it was barely there and we only had a few minutes left with her. We were so upset, knowing this was coming, but we weren't ready to let her go. She handed her to me and I held her close giving lots and hugs and kisses. Adam called our parents right away and told them to get to the hospital as soon as possible....we especially wanted Ellie and Malia there before Jillian was gone. The nurse came back and check again, Jillian was still with us, but her heart was very faint. My mom got the girls to the hospital, they got to hug and kiss her one last time and the nurse said she was gone. We knew this moment was coming----but NOTHING can prepare you for how much it hurts to hear it. So at 7:35am----22 hours after she entered this world, she was in Heaven.

We would never have expected that we would get that much time with her, so we are so blessed that we got almost an entire day with our precious little girl. All she knew was love, wrapped in every one's arms all day...and that is exactly what we wanted.

A side note----While in the hospital, my mom ran into someone (that I know too) that asked her what she was doing at the hospital---she went on to tell this woman that we had Jillian, and that she had passed on....the response from this person was "Well, I always wanted to know why they continued with the pregnancy knowing the outcome" Obviously, my mom was shocked this woman would say this, and say it to the face of a grieving grandma-----and when I was told she said this I was at first very angry---that some people are that heartless? But to answer her question---why did we continue with the pregnancy? How could we not?????? She is our little girl in every way, and just because she had a defect that was not going to allow her to be with us for long, why on Earth would we have chosen anything different? Yes, the last 6 months have been tough, knowing the outcome, but I am so blessed we did know.....we had time to plan everything, I got to enjoy the last 6 months of feeling her kicks, and hiccups---and loved every minute of it!!!! I would not have changed anything. We got 22 wonderful hours with our little girl, I know it isn't long, but to us, it is something we will never forget, we got to meet her, love her, kiss her, hug her, see her cute little face, toes, fingers---and we got to share her with our family----so I guess I am just still shocked someone asked that, but I guess we made the right choice for us, and do not care what anyone else thinks-----we are blessed, and even thought our hearts are breaking right now, and I wish I was sitting her holding her instead of typing this, it is our story, and wouldn't change anything.

.....More of the story to continue later, that is enough for one day.....

Pictures of Jillian

2009-07-17T16:56:00.006-05:00

Just wanted to post a few pictures of our beautiful Little Miss Jillian Grace. We already got our pictures back from our photographer, and they are AMAZING!!!! Over 200 pictures, so I will be putting a slide show together in the near future.

We are getting ready for the service tomorrow morning, I know it is going to be so tough to say our final goodbyes...but we know she is in a better place.

We miss her more than words can say........

All of these are Images from Knop Photography (www.knopphotography.com)

12 Hour Update!!!

2009-07-14T22:03:00.000-05:00

As of 9:40 this evening, Jillian is 12 hours old. She is eating from a dropper and seems to be very content. She has a lot of black hair and reminds us alot of Malia and Jodi both. Mom is doing fine as well. She has had her ups and downs with vomiting today, but we were told that could be expected with the c-section procedure. In fact the nurse just came by to see if she wanted to get out of bed for a while. We know we still have a long road a head of us, but it is going just as we had hoped. Thanks again for all the prayers and well wishes sent our way!!!

Adam

5 hours

2009-07-14T15:10:00.004-05:00

This was taken on grandpa craig's phone...

Candi

Miss Jillian

2009-07-14T11:40:00.000-05:00

I just got a call from Aunt Jamie with all of the details...

Miss Jillian Grace was born at 9:40am. She weighed 4lb 15oz. {They were in such a hurry to get her dressed they forgot to get her height} She has dark black hair, like mama :)

They got her baptized and now she is in the room with her family for LOTS of pictures. She is doing well, and they will keep me posted. Jamie took some pictures on her camera and will e-mail them to me later for the blogs.

Jodi is also doing good after her surgery and enjoying her little girl.

Thanks for checking in, and please keep the Lansinks in your prayers.

Candi

No news

2009-07-14T10:59:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to post a little something, since phone calls and e-mails are starting to come in... there has been NO NEWS from the hospital. I will post something the second I hear from someone.

Candi

In a few hours...

2009-07-13T22:40:00.003-05:00

...we get to meet our little girl. It is hard to believe the time as come, it has gone by so fast. So many mixed emotions right now...excitement to meet her, yet very anxious and nervous about the surgery and the unknowns....

My mom got into town today from Denver, so it was a really nice distraction today hanging out with her and my sister...taking my mind of of things. We have everything packed and ready to go in the morning. Our C-Section is scheduled for 9:30 tomorrow morning, and wanted to let everyone know my friend Candi will be updating my blogs when updates are available. I know several of you keep up with my blog and will be praying for us tomorrow, so I want to keep you all informed as much as we can.

We have received so many cards, phone calls, e-mails, gifts, and FOOD in the past few days....so a huge thank you to everyone who has shown us support----it really helps a lot!

For now, I need to get some sleep, hoping I will be able to get a good nights sleep tonight, and hoping and praying for everything to go smoothly tomorrow.

Good night.

Special Gifts

2009-07-08T22:30:00.005-05:00

I wanted to share with you a couple gifts we have received---and I know I say this all the time, but I seriously am so beyond thankful for all the thoughtful things people have done for this----saying thank you isn't enough---I hope people do understand how much we appreciate everything---I am starting to sound like a broken record, but I can't say thanks enough....

First here is the little blanket/bear Brianne got for Jillian a couple weeks ago that I have been meaning to post---I had a volunteer to hold it for me to take the picture---she will tell me, "this is baby Jillian's" and then gives it a hug!

I also received this BEAUTIFUL bracelet today from my friend Julie. It has a silver cross and a little charm at the end that says faith. It really is beautiful and I will wear it all the time! As the card reads....May Faith Carry us Through...

A huge thank you to Julie---there are just some people are just too kind for words...

On another note----just 6 short days before Jillian's arrival. I would say we are all set, just trying to mentally prepare for all of this. I would say this week has been very stressful, I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts, I have been extremely tired, and just so many things running through my head. We have nothing planned for the weekend, so we are going to take it easy at home, and also make a trip to Sioux City just to get a few things for the hospital, and also one last thing I wanted to get was 3 matching stuffed animals for all 3 of our girls! One for Jillian to keep with her, and Ellie and Malia will always have the same one. I wanted to get ones with Jillian's name on them, and maybe something with angel wings, but guess I waited too long, so now just looking for something soft and small, like a bear, or lamb or duck....that I can get 3 of the same. I also want the girls to help pick them out--so hope we have some good luck!

We have also made our plans for the hospital and I have been in contact with our family letting them know our plans, but thought I would put on here that for the first day we are not accepting visitors except for our immediate family. With the "not knowing" it is so hard to plan anything, and who wants to tell people they can or can't see their baby right away, but this is the situation we have been put in, so we are trying to do what we think is best. I am sure day 2 we will love to see some visitors, and we PRAY that Jillian will still be with us too----only time will tell.

I have a cute video of Malia and I having a visit about Jillian----I don't have the time and energy to upload it tonight, but will get that done in the next couple days. It is cute---something I thought I wanted to remember, so thought it was worth making a video of.

We also got a print out of our maternity pictures today---and they are AMAZING! Some really good ones! Unfortunately their website is down right now, so I don't have access to let everyone see them yet, but AS SOON as they are up on the website, I will let everyone know!

Good Night!

Card/Memory Box

2009-07-02T22:24:00.004-05:00

I just HAD to post this----one of my best friends Candi is an AWESOME scrapper and soooo crafty---I call her "Crafty Candi" But anyway, I knew I wanted a box to hold all of our cards or anything else small to keep inside our large chest....so I knew I had to ask Candi to make one for me! I could never come up with something as cute as this! She called tonight and told me to check her blog, that she had posted pictures of the completed box---and I LOVE IT!!!! I wanted one with pink and green Incorporated(as those are the colors Jillian's nursery was going to be before we found about her condition) and I don't think it could have turned out any cuter! I love the little butterflies and also the little angel wings she added-----makes it very personal! Thank you so much Candi---it is perfect! :)

(Do we have the best friends and family or what?!?!?)

Last Omaha Trip

2009-07-02T21:59:00.004-05:00

Today was our last visit with Dr. Levine----I am going to miss seeing him! Seriously one of the nicest doctors ever! They did the normal stuff they do every time, my blood pressure was great, weight the same, and then did the ultrasound. Unfortunately he didn't do a 3D one today, and I didn't ask him too, Adam reassured me it was ok, we get to see her "for real" in 2 weeks! So no biggie. They got an estimated weight on her, and said right now she is 4 pounds 7 ounces, but without getting a head measurement it is a pretty rough estimate, but he thought the estimate was probably low, and expected her to gain about another 1/2 pound in the next 2 weeks----so we are hopeful she will be at least 5 pounds---but hard to say for sure. He was very optimistic today, as he always is, but today was even more optimistic than before. My last visit 6 weeks ago, my fluid levels were at 25, and today they were at 19.8!!! He also said Jillian looks PERFECT, her heart, her kidneys, and is still swallowing. He also said the measurement for her tummy and legs was exactly when they would be for a baby with no problems. He said with all of those factors, and no complications so far, he is very optimistic she might do pretty well when she is born. Now I know-----I am not getting my hopes up too high, as I know reality is we might only get a few minutes with her, but he said today that is isn't uncommon she will make it long enough to come home, and he said we should also decide what we want to do about feedings if she is able to eat from a syringe, we can pump or do formula, but I guess was something I hadn't really thought about before. I have been always "hoping for the best and planning for the worst" and that is still the case. I REALLY HOPE AND PRAY that she gets to come home with us, but know that reality is, she very well may not. I think that is the hardest part of all of this---is the not knowing! I do have a bassinet and car seat from Malia, and a whole tub of Malia's old infant clothes, so in the event she gets to come home, we are set.

Adam and I are also just about done with our birth plan....sure is taking a long time, but there is a lot to think about! I also know I have had a lot of friends and family ask about when we would like for visitors while in the hospital---and Adam and I are discussing that as well. It's hard--we want everyone there, but at the same time, we do not want to feel overwhelmed by so many people right away, especially if we only get a very short time with her----so it is tough, but we are working on all that and will let people know very soon what our plans are for visitors.

I also wanted to tell everyone about a book the hospital let me borrow to read----I got it read in about 3 hours---it was so good! It is called "Waiting with Gabriel" I would recommend it to anyone dealing with infant loss---I couldn't put it down.

I think that is all for now---not much going on with us for the weekend, we wanted to go somewhere, but thought being so close to our due date, we better stick close to home. Hope everyone has a great 4th of July Weekend!!!

Enjoy this moment...

2009-07-01T22:40:00.005-05:00

Yesterday we had our maternity photo shoot and I am SO EXCITED to get to see them---I saw a preview on the camera, and they looked amazing, should be able to view them in the next couple days.....but while I was there, I was in the changing room, and on the vanity was a plate with a vinyl quote I had made a year ago when they were doing some decorating, and the plate reads,

Enjoy this moment, for this moment is your life...

I read that and realized that is a prefect saying for our life right now. I didn't need to be sad during our session, because at the moment we were taking pictures, Jillian was doing fine, and kicking like crazy, so I guess I was just enjoying that, instead of being sad about what is about to come. That as sad as all of this is, and how mad I could be, I guess until Jillian is actually here and we are forced to deal with the reality of it all, we have chosen to live in the NOW and enjoy each day....how ironic I was the one that made the plate, and seeing it again, it really said a lot about us right now.

I think this whole situation has taught me a lot about myself, a lot about other people, a lot about how I view things. I say it all the time...but I just think it would have been a big waste of our time, to lay around and cry the last few months, and yes, some days I did, or some days I wanted to, but thought, how would that be celebrating the time we have now? I can be selfish and say I SO BADLY want Jillian to live and grow with our family, but with that said, I can't help but feel so blessed at the same time. I watch a lot of news shows, and court tv shows, and hear so many heart wrenching stories of little children that are abused, murdered, or missing...and I think those are the moms that have to be desperately hurting so badly, that when they go to bed at night, might now know where their child is, or have to visualize a tragic death....and I won't have to do that. I will get to know she didn't suffer, she won't be hurt...that in her short life, all she will know is love by all her family around her, and that she is resting in a wonderful place. I guess that is how I have chosen to look at all this right now....

...now in a couple weeks I might have a completely different view, and I know I will be terribly sad and probably mad and wonder why---but in the back of my mind, I am positive we will find peace in all of this.

Here is a picture of the plate----taken a year ago, who knew it would have so much meaning to me now?

On another note----we have our last visit with Dr. Levine tomorrow in Omaha. I am really hoping to get some more 3D pictures of litte Jillian, and also hoping for an estimated weight on her. I will post more after our visit. I also had a routine visit this week with Dr. Veltri, and everything is the same, I have still not gained any weight, and in fact of lost 5 pounds since the day I found out I was pregnant----and I am 36 weeks but was measuring 34 weeks, which is fine, but that is why I am wanting to know a weight on Jillian...makes me think she might be really small? Guess we will find out tomorrow.

More after our visit tomorrow---and as always, keep us in your prayers.

Who has the cutest baby bump...

2009-06-29T22:36:00.006-05:00

I guess I do!! Anyone that reads my family blog saw that I won the Cutest Bump Contest this weekend----thought it was only appropriate to add it to Jillian's blog---considering I wouldn't have entered or won if it wasn't for her!!! :)

Also this weekend, another GREAT long time friend of mine, Brianne, was in town...and brought a present for both Jillian and I! She got me a robe and slippers for my hospital stay---which I thought was soooo thoughtful and practical---love it!!!!!! She also got Jillian a little stuffed animal/blanket that is adorable, and has a little butterfly on it! Thanks so much Brianne----very thoughtful of you!!!!!

I had Ellie take a picture of me in my robe and slippers tonight, then of course, she had to put her robe on too and wanted me to take her picture, then we took this self portrait before bed---just thought I would add those as well----but forgot to get a picture of Jillian's gift---I will post that tomorrow---it's cute! :)

A busy week for us---maternity pics tomorrow, dr. visit tomorrow, and a trip to Omaha for a dr. visit on Thursday----the countdown is on---14 days from tomorrow Jillian will make her way into this world-----so anxious to meet her, but not at all ready to say goodbye----just PRAYING for TIME----lots of time....

Details

2009-06-23T19:28:00.002-05:00

This week, we have gotten a couple things out of the way we needed to do.

Yesterday we met with our nursing staff at the hospital. They were all wonderful, and they also lent me a copy of the book "Waiting for Gabriel." I have seen the book and have wanted to read it, so am excited to start it tonight. Anyway----we met with 6 nurses that will be with us during delivery and after, and we couldn't be happier with how wonderful they all were. We went over a few delivery details of how we see things all happening, and talked about our stay as well. There is an OB section of the hospital where we stayed when Malia was born, so I assumed that is where we would be again, the only downfall is there really isn't a good "waiting area" so they told us and showed us a room they have on the general floor, that has a couch that pulled into a bed for Adam and a recliner and very spacious. Also directly across the hall is another room that has a couple couches, recliners, table and chairs, tv.....so nice for all of our family to feel comfortable and it is all together, so no one has to be too far from us. We were thrilled when we saw the set up, so decided that would be perfect for us! They also gave us a tour of the operating room, and showed us where our family can wait, and there is also a small waiting room right outside of the operating room for our girls(maybe), our parents and Father to wait so Jillian can be baptized right after she is born----again, it is a perfect setup for us! We will go over details with our family as it gets closer, but puts our minds at ease to actually see where we will be and they walked us through each step---it was awesome!

Then today, we finally met with Scott and Connie at the funeral home. I have been putting this off for obvious reasons, but really it wasn't that bad at all. I didn't even shed a tear. It was a very relaxed setting, and we got a few questions answered and now will just wait until Jillian arrives for the little details. We also had a plot for Jillian at the Catholic Cemetery, and we were so lucky that Adam's Grandma and Grandpa Lansink have an extra plot on the other side of their stone, so that is where we have decided to lay Jillian to rest, which is comforting knowing she will be right with family, and not by herself somewhere. Adam and I were not ready to buy our plots yet, so this will work out great. We also talked to Scott about her marker, and we originally had though we would get her name put on the large stone that is already there, but he had a great suggestion we hadn't thought about yet----which is not to add her info to the marker there, and just do a flush bronze plate for now, and he said that way, when Adam and I are ready someday to buy our plots and headstone, that she can be moved to be with us, and all info can be added to our headstone. (I still can't believe I even have to think about this all at age 28, so surreal to be thinking about burial plots?) So we have decided to go that route for now.

I must say I already feel so much better about having these details worked out and the rest we will just "go with the flow" when the time comes. I am sure some things could change, and also not knowing how much time we have with Jillian I think makes a big difference on plans, etc. So just a waiting game now...

Just one last thing----which is more of a fun thing for me is our maternity pictures! We plan to have them done in the next week, I just need to call to schedule it! You know how much I LOVE photography, so anytime we can get our pictures taken is always exciting to me! :)

So that is all for now----still feeling pretty good. I had a rough couple weeks, but for the most part doing pretty well emotionally right now. Just taking it easy and staying inside as much as possible----100 degree weather and this humidity does a number on my feet!!!!

Thanks again for checking in and your prayers are always welcome! :)

{Smile}

2009-06-19T10:10:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I was quite surprised to go to the mailbox and have 2 packages!

The first one was a gift that my mom had sent for Jillian, a cute white tiny Bible with an embroidered cover that Jillian keep with her. She had also bought 2, so we can keep the same one in her memory box! Thanks so much mom-----we love them and Jillian will too, knowing it was picked out with love from Nana! :)

Second was the necklace I had won from Holly's Blog, Caring For Carleigh. It was a gift created by Sue at My Forever Child and is BEAUTIFUL!!! It is a silver chain with a pendant that has all 3 of our girls' names on it, with a gem for each of them. If you get a chance be sure to go to My Forever Child and check out all her items, she does a great job and has some really cool items on her site! I can't thank Holly and Sue enough for putting this drawing together, and was so excited to be the winner! There are so many up and down days, and fun drawings like this is such a great idea, and sure brightened my day! (Maybe in the future I can put something together on my blog!?)

Again----I don't even have the right words to thank our friends and family for all the kindness we have been shown already---we are so fortunate to have wonderful people around us and helping us through this----we are so very lucky!!!!!

More Special Gifts

2009-06-17T09:58:00.004-05:00

Here are a couple special gifts we got this week:

This first one is a Willow Tree that is a gift from my Grandpa----or Jillian's Great Grandpa Schafer! I LOVE IT!

The card on this reads

"A TREE, A PRAYER:

MAY YOU FIND STRENGTH, BEAUTY AND PEACE EACH DAY"

I don't have this one yet, and goes great with my collection! Thank you so much Grandpa!!!!!

The second one was this blanket for Jillian. My Grandma Schafer had asked if there was something else I needed or wanted for Jillian that they could get for her, so I thought a blanket with her name on it would be prefect! I have always loved this minky material, and found this website Southern Sassy Pants on etsy--and got an adorable one---a great keepsake to add to her memory chest! Thank you so much Grandma!!! I know Jillian will love being all snuggled up in it! :)

The Date is Set

2009-06-16T20:04:00.003-05:00

I met with my surgeon today, and set the date of July 14 as Jillian's Birthday! Wow, I wasn't quite prepared for that, it is only 4 short weeks from today. My due date is actually July 29, so 2 weeks early, which I think should be fine. He was pretty nice, but I am seriously TERRIFIED to have a C-Section! I have never any any kind of surgery in my life, so this is giving me so much anxiety---but I hope we are making the right choice, and this will allow us some extra time with Jillian. I don't like the fact that I am pretty much helpless, that after she is born, I still have to lay there and get stitched up, but I am sure it will all work out, just so many things to think about! I am almost done with my birth plan, and we are going to meet with our nurses in the next couple weeks too, which will be great to go over our expectations and make sure we are all on the same page. So far, I was told three nurses that will be with us, and couldn't be happier!

As far as myself, I have really had to slow things down a bit, if I overdo it, my back kills me and I get slight cramps in my stomach, so I have been trying to take it easy----but body tells me when I have done too much! Hoping to get a lot of going to the pool with the girls, and relaxing over the next few weeks----and just one thing left to do, and that is talking to the funeral home. I keep putting it off, for obvious reasons, but will be forced to do that this week sometime....oh and our maternity pictures! I FINALLY figured out our outfits, so will hopefully be getting those done in the next week or so too---but other than that, I have everything I need for Jillian, her suitcase is even already packed, just in case something happened early, I wanted to make sure I at least had all of her stuff ready to go! We also meet one more time with our doctor in Omaha---so hoping for once last chance to see her cute little face on the 3D ultrasound before we get to meet her. I am sure the next 4 weeks are going to just fly by, so I just want to sit back and relax and enjoy every last minute of this----and the girls have REALLY sparked an interest the last week or so in watching my tummy move all about! I also plan to get a video---sometimes my tummy looks like a tidal wave!

Oh---and I have the cutest story about Malia...
the other night while I was tucking her into bed, we were talking about Jillian, and how mommy will have to go to the hospital to get her out of my tummy, etc, and were going through all the people that get to hold her, and Malia was saying she was going to hold her, and kiss her and then I said "what are you going to say to Jillian?" (thinking she would say I love you or something like that) and she instantly started singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".....she is going to sing to her!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously it was adorable!!!! Still if you ask her now what she is going to say to her sister, she will start singing----I better get that on video as well----melts my heart!
Ellie also has lots of questions, and wanted to know the other day where Jillian was going to sleep, if we get to bring her home, since we don't have a room for her, or she will say things like, "Oh, I just love Jillian so much, why does she have to die?" I know this is going to be hard on her as well----but we have a great support system and we will all get through this together.

Well, I have a couple "gifts" I need to go take pictures of to post, so look for another post later!

Thanks for everyone for keeping up with us and our journey, and all the kinds words and prayers-----it is greatly appreciated! :)

Emotional Ups and Downs

2009-06-12T10:10:00.003-05:00

This week has probably been the worst week I have had in months emotionally. I think it set it in that in a few short weeks, little Jillian will be here. With that comes excitement to get to meet her and hold her, but also comes sadness to have to think we have to say goodbye. I have tried my best to stay positive, and to keep my head up, but that is getting harder everyday. This is suppose to be an exciting time---I should be getting her nursery situated, and getting all her clothes washed, folded and hung in her closet and dreaming about what it is going to be like with 3 little girls in the house and how Ellie and Malia would be awesome big sisters---but that was all shattered and we just don't know why?

I know we are so lucky she is still with us at 33 weeks and hope she can hold out for another few weeks, and I know the time we get with her will be wonderful and special and we will treasure it forever. It's just a lot to deal with sometimes....

Reporting in...

2009-06-01T11:00:00.004-05:00

Reporting in for all my followers...I feel like I don't update this blog as much as I do my family one, but I don't really have much to report! Things are going just fine, which is good! I can't believe Jillian is due in 8 short weeks-----wow, hard to imagine! I have been feeling great, a little tired, probably because I have hit the "up 5 times in the night to pee" phase, so I am not getting much sleep, but that is expected, and was the same with Ellie and Malia!

We did call the funeral home today and are planning to go in and talk to them next week---this is the part I have been putting off, but it is time to get all that in order, in case Jillian decides to come early, we will have everything ready. So more details on that next week.

The girls and I had also gotten a gift from one of my best friends Katie a couple weeks ago, and wanted to post. She got all of us matching necklaces, that have little rings on them with words...mine has the words MOTHER, STRENGTH, and MEMORIES and the girls both have SISTER and REMEMBER. They are really so neat and I seriously wear mine EVERYDAY--well Malia too, she is always asking if she can wear her necklace too! I also love that I can add rings with different words---I am sure I will be adding some soon! Thank you so much Katie---we love them and it is so nice you were thinking of us!

Here is one picture I have that Adam took when we were all three wearing them!!!!

First Baby Pics!

2009-05-21T20:00:00.003-05:00

Today was our visit with Dr. Levine in Omaha. We had a GREAT visit-----seriously we are SO BLESSED to have the best doctors!!!! He is so down to earth and makes us feel so at ease about our decisions. He also thought there was no problem with delivering here in IG----so we have one more visit scheduled with him in 6 weeks, before Jillian's arrival!

Everything looks fantastic---my blood pressure is still great, and Jillian looked great, he said she is measuring a little small, not too small, just a little, so we should expect her to be a little smaller, which he said is not abnormal, but she looks great! He also said there is still fluid in her stomach and she was "peeing" so that is a good sign. My fluid levels though we a little high----mine were 24 and he said 25 would be borderline high----so nothing to worry about this time, but if I start to feel like I am getting bigger or more uncomfortable, just to let him know.

We were also so lucky to get some great 3D/4D pictures of her today! We watched her for probably 15 minutes on the 3D----and that was amazing! I never had them with Ellie or Malia----but it is the coolest thing!!! It is like you are looking right at her! She was very squirmy and we saw her open her mouth one, and even stick her tongue out!!!! Too cute! So here are the pictures we got from today---a lot easier to see than the last 2D ones we had taken several weeks ago!

Enjoy-----isn't she so darn cute?!?!?

Love this one! It looks like she is wearing a hat!!!! :)

This one is her cute little ear and her hands covering her face!

30 Weeks

2009-05-20T18:21:00.002-05:00

Wow, I can't believe we are already to 30 weeks!

I had an OB visit today, and everything was routine, and we found out that we will be able to deliver here in Ida Grove, and we are going ahead with a C-Section. Seriously, we are thrilled! It may sound odd that we had to ok it first, but for those who don't know, we live in a town less than 3,000 people, and our hospital is not really a "high risk" hospital, but we thought considering our situation, we know the outcome, and we don't need a NICU that the bigger hospitals have, so it is mainly for our comfort level, just being right here in our hometown makes me breathe a sigh of relief. So we are very grateful for that!

We have an appointment tomorrow in Omaha with our perinatologist, so will get to have another ultrasound done, hopefully we will get another 3D/4D done and hopefully we her little face! I will be sure to post if we do!

Willow Tree Figurines

2009-05-08T13:42:00.003-05:00

I am just so thankful for all the kind words and acts of kindness from people. Today, my neighbor Stephanie stopped and gave me this really neat Willow Tree figurine. It is called the "Angle of Mine" and says "so loved, so very loved" on the card. I LOVE it!!!!!

This also reminded me that I hadn't posted the other one I had gotten from Trudie, an angel of "courage" that I seriously would look at when I was feeling down, and remind me that I can do this, we will make it through this.

AND.....also my friend since I was 2, (wow that's a long time!!!!) Katie had given me these 2 small angels a while back also, that I never got blogged! So I wanted to say a HUGE THANK YOU for the thoughtfulness, and they really do brighten my day! I have also "secretly" loved the Willow Tree figurines and wanted to start collecting them....so now I can!

I think the last week has really been a good one. I find myself at a pretty good place with all of this. I still don't like it, and wish things were different, but I think I am coming to an acceptance, that this our journey, we have been chosen to carry Jillian, and as tough as that sometimes, we will all be ok, knowing she will be healed and in Heaven. I am sure I will have many more ups and downs in the next couple months, but for now, I think we are doing pretty well. (considering the situation that is)

Updates

2009-05-04T20:45:00.004-05:00

First off I want to say thank you so much for all the wonderful comments I received over the last few days. As you may have noticed, I deleted the last 2 posts, and unfortunately all the comments got deleted as well. I was having a rough couple days, but after I "calmed down" I realized this blog is not a place I want to vent or sounds ungrateful, so I chose to delete the posts. We really are super lucky and know we have a great support system----so thank you for all the kind words everyone said, I think it lifted my spirits!

On another note----I had my 28 week check up today with Dr. Veltri. Everything seems to be doing fine, Jillian had a strong heartbeat in the 160's, my blood pressure is still fine, and I am measuring right on track. For some reason though, I have not gained any weight with the pregnancy? I have in fact lost about 9 pounds since the day I found out I was pregnant???? Figure that one out? I know my appetite is just not there, but I am eating---so I guess for the next couple weeks I am going to try to watch my food intake a little more and see if I can't put on a couple pounds---not that I look like I am wasting away or anything---I don't!!!! HAHA!!! Other than that----everything with Jillian and myself are going just fine.

One thing I did talk with him about today was delivery. You see, Adam and I had been talking over the last few weeks about really wanting to deliver in Ida Grove(our hometown) and not in Omaha(2 hours away). At first I was a little leary and I didn't know what I wanted, but I think after we really thought about it, this is where our home is, this is where our family is, Father Heeman, our photographer, the funeral home....it just feels "right to deliver here." I had asked him today what he thought about that and said he would have an answer for me at our next visit in 2 weeks, so I am hopeful we can go ahead and plan for that. I have also decided about 95% sure that I am going to have a C-Section. I have never had one before, and don't really want to, but under the circumstances, I have decided it is the best choice for us. I want every minute possible with her, so if there is a greater chance with a C-Section, than I guess I am willing to take it. I also know that if we do decide (or if we even can) have more children in the future, I will have to continue with the sections, but again, I am ok with that. So I will keep you all updated on our delivery plans as I find out for sure.

One more thing----I was too tired last night with our busy weekend to post, but my mother in law had given me the blankets she had made for us yesterday------there are 2 identical blankets, one for Jillian and one for me to keep! I just love the idea of always having the exact same blanket Jillian does----I am sure I will be cuddling with mine many nights. So thank you so much for the blankets----they are beautiful and will be perfect!!!!! :)

I almost forgot also-----I just started reading the book "I'll Hold you in Heaven" thanks to Abby for picking it up for me!! I have been following Holly's website and she is doing a "book club" over this book, so thought I would join. I am am not one to add to the discussions, but I am reading along and love to see what other people think, and helps me and my understanding.

That's it for now-----just taking it day by day!

Jillian's Outfits

2009-04-30T14:34:00.005-05:00

I finally got the last of Jillian's little outfits in the mail today---and was so excited to how cute everything was, I thought I would share!

The first one is a gift from Grandma Teresa. It is a beautiful long, white Christening gown with a matching hat. I would like Jillian to wear this after she if born when Father is there for her baptism and prayers. It is perfect, might be a little big, and I know the hat will be too big for sure, so I might get it altered, or I might not----it really isn't that big of a deal---it will look perfect no matter what! Thank you so much Teresa, it means so much that she will wear this knowing you picked it out---with lots of love! :)

This next outfit I just got in the mail today---I ordered it online from Bellaclairebaby and I couldn't be more excited how cute it turned out!!!!! I got to pick the colors of the ribbon and bows, and thought this one was perfect, before we found out about Jillian's condition, I was planning on doing a light pink and green nursery, so when I saw this one, I knew it was the one I wanted with the same colors! The boutique does not sell hats, but I knew I wanted a matching hat, so I found my own white preemie hat and had them make me a matching bow to add the the hat----I think this will look absolutely adorable for pictures and a great keepsake for us!

The third outfit is a comfy outfit I got from BabyGap---I love that BabyGap has preemie stuff, so I got her this tiny pink one piece outfit with a tiny matching onesie to go underneath, a pair of little white socks so her little feet don't get cold, and another pink preemie hat. It is soooo soft and little, should be perfect. I think this should work for the rest of our hospital stay.

This last outfit is the dress I picked out by accident, wasn't looking for a dress on that day, but when I saw it I just knew it was the one for her burial. So I picked it up, with a matching light pink cardigan, and hat. I know the hat is going to be too big as well, but I just had to buy it since it matched. Even if she doesn't wear it, it will be another keepsake that matches the dress she will be buried in. I will also put a little pair of white socks with this outfit too.

We are also having a couple blankets made, one of which she will also be buried with--and I will have the macthing one. So when we get those I will be sure to post. I can't wait to see how they turned out!!!

So as you can see this is what I have been putting my focus on lately. I guess this is the "fun stuff" and have enjoyed picking out her cute little things. The "not so fun" stuff we have been putting off, like meeting with the funeral home, but we know we will have to do that in the near future.

Hope you like her outifts and I know she will look prefect in them! :)

Filled With Love

2009-04-24T10:24:00.002-05:00

Here is my latest self portait "belly pic!" I just love this shirt, thanks to Candi, this shirt was worn with Reese, Malia and now Jillian! I thought it would make an adorable belly picture!!!!!

A Place To Remember

2009-04-23T14:24:00.004-05:00

Since I am posting gifts, and everyone says they like to see them, and I like to share the kindness of everyone:)-----this is a book I got from another close friend since we were little, Amy, a few weeks ago, before I started Jillian's blog. It is a great way to document everything throughout the pregnancy. Thanks so much Amy, it will be a great place for me to write down everything, so I won't forget all the little things!!!!
Also, since everyone would like to see Jillian's little outfits, I will post them as soon as I have them all. I am still waiting on 2 to come in the mail, in the next couple days. So I will post them as soon as I get them. Everything is so little and cute not to share! :)

More Kindness

2009-04-22T21:10:00.004-05:00

Today we got ANOTHER surprise in the mail-----this was from my dear friend Candi :) Thank you so much for this beautiful necklace!!!! When I first opened it, it brought a tear to my eye, this is the first gift Jillian has that actually has her name on it! I LOVE it! I had actually seen these necklaces online and thought they were soooo neat......so what a great surprise! I am also thinking since it does have her name, it might look great use during our maternity photos? I know I say it all the time----but seriously we are so lucky to have some great people around us!!!!
(EDIT: Necklace was made at the Vintage Pearl , a really cute, trendy Etsy boutique!)

Today I also picked up Jillian's christening gown from Grandma Teresa. This gown is what I plan on Jillian wearing right after she is born. It is absolutely beautiful!!!! She picked a perfect one!!!! Thank you soooo much!!!!! (I am waiting to post outfits later, when I have everything, or maybe I won't post the outfits, haven't decided yet?)

(I also hope people don't think anything bad of me posting the gifts Jillian receives, I just like to share with everyone all the cute things, and for those that live far away (like my mom!) you get to see what we have!) And know we are more than grateful for everything!!!!!!!!

So sweet....

2009-04-13T16:34:00.004-05:00

I wanted to show everyone this simply adorable teeny tiny little bracelet that came in the mail today from Christi------ really it is tiny, looks like it will be a good fit!

Thanks so much Christi-----it is perfect for Jillian! It just makes me feel so lucky to know we have so many great friends and family thinking of us, and getting a nice card and this special gift inside just made me smile (after a pretty "up and down" day) Thanks! :)

Wrapped in Love...

2009-04-13T10:21:00.003-05:00

Yesterday after church, Father told us he had a gift for us. He had been on a mission trip in Arizona a couple weeks ago, right after we had prayed with him about Jillian, and brought back this beautiful shawl that someone had made for us. It came with a little card attached, and was made with a lot of hope and love. We were very grateful, and I will be wrapping up in it as much as I can!!!!!

With Easter this weekend, I thought A LOT about Jillian. Moments would hit while watching all the kids, that next Easter, she probably won't be with us, and I just so wish she could, so I found myself fighting back the tears. I also thought about getting her an Easter basket, as this is probably the only Easter she will "be with us," so thought about celebrating that, but for some reason I just didn't. Now I wish I would have.....and gotten some pictures of "me and Jillian" or a family picture for memories----but again, for some reason, I guess we didn't.

3 am

2009-04-07T02:17:00.001-05:00

It is almost 3 am, and I cannot fall asleep tonight, my body is tired, but my mind just won't stop. I am feeling so much anxiety right now, I hate this feeling. Must be something going on, Malia and Ellie have both been up twice, not able to sleep either. I don't know.

I figured maybe if I wrote down some things, it might allow my mind to clear, therefore allow myself to fall asleep....

I feel like Jillian and the upcoming months are constantly on my mind, that it is hard to focus on anything but her and how everything is going to happen. I look at other mom's blogs that have lost their babies, and my heart breaks for them, and then I have to step back and think, "wait a minute, I am going to be in that same situation in a couple months," and I think it really terrifies me. I am not in denial, I know what is going to happen, but I just can't for the life of me imagine that WE have to go through this, so until she is here, I feel like I just try to plan and make sure I have everything perfect for when she is born, and all my energy is focused on that right now. It is all just soooo scary and so unreal when I really sit back and think about what is going on. I know I shouldn't ask why.....but really, I want to know why? Why us? Why does this have to happen to us? I just don't understand...

Like I said I have been trying to get everything planned for her birth, and trying to make sure every little detail is perfect. I guess if we only get a couple days with our little girl, I want everything to be just right, I would say that is my Type A personality coming out :) We have already bought a couple things for Jillian...Grandma Teresa got her christening outfit that she will wear right after she is born, and I have also picked out an adorable layette and matching hat for her to wear in the hospital, with cute ribbons and her name embroidered on the front, and we also pretty much by accident, bought her burial outfit. I wasn't at all searching for one the other day while out shopping with Adam and the girls, but we walked into Gap and I saw this tiny pink and white satin dress hanging and right away knew it was perfect, so we got it and a matching pink cardigan and matching hat. It is adorable. So we are getting a few things done...which is a good feeling. But still so many other things to get and plan and think about....

One thing that changed today was our photographer. I had planned on using the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer in Omaha, but after a lot of debating I contacted Danika at Knop Photography here in Ida Grove and she was so generous and I am sooo excited to have her do the pictures. She has taken Ellie and Malia's pictures in the past and did a great job, so I am so grateful that she was willing to do them for us. She is also going to do our maternity pictures in May. (so again, I am trying to get things in order for those pictures as well, with outfits, etc) I think the photographer and pictures are just soooo important. I guess I just think these are the only pictures we will have forever, and we only get one chance, so I want them to be prefect, from her little clothes, to her jewelry, blankets...everything. See----so many details to think about... {{CLICK HERE to go to the Knop Photography website. Danika takes awesome pictures, and her digital editor Theresa does a fabulous job too!}}

I know this is just my ramblings, and maybe not even making sense, but I just felt like I needed to get a couple things written down, and out of my mind, at least for tonight. We obviously have never went through this before, and really are winging it. But it is so surreal to think that I am planning for our daughter's death. That is just hard to even wrap my head around...especially when she is alive and kicking and growing right now. Some days I just don't know what is going on, I don't know what to think, some days I don't want to think about it, I just want to enjoy the time she is here, and try not to think about the heartache that is about to come...

Ellie

2009-04-05T10:26:00.000-05:00

Well, we finally found the strength to tell Ellie what was going on with Jillian. She took it pretty well, which I kind of expected. She was upset at first, and asking SO MANY questions, but she really is a strong, SMART little girl!!!! We told her that Jillian has an "owie" on her head and that at this point only God can fix it, and all we can do is pray that he does, but if he doesn't, Jillian will be our little angel in heaven, and we won't be mad at Him for not healing her, He has a plan, and she will be healed in Heaven. After a lot more discussion, and tears, I think she has a good understanding, as much as a 6 year old can, and I know when Jillian is born and goes to Heaven, it will be as tough on Ellie then, as it will be on the rest of us. For now, I told her it is ok to be sad, and to talk to us and ask us any questions, but NOT to worry, as it is out of ours hands. We are also going to take her with us next time we see Father, so I am sure that will help as well.

Then yesterday, she was kinda cute...we were sitting in the living room, and Malia was sitting right by us, and she whispered to me "Mom, do you think we should tell Malia?" She was like an adult trying to figure out if we should tell Malia, she amazes me! I of course told her Malia wouldn't understand, so we don't need to break the news to her.

So I feel like a weight has been lifted by telling Ellie, now I just pray she continues to take it ok, and not to worry at school, etc.

Check Up

2009-04-03T19:17:00.000-05:00

Today was a follow up check up with Dr. Levine in Omaha. He was very impressed with how well Jillian is growing, and is right where she needs to be. They got all the measurements, except the head, which would not be accurate anyway. She was very active and kept putting her hands in front of her face, so we never got a good picture of her cute little face! He also said my fluid levels are also right where they need at be, at 16, so that is a great sign, and her bladder was full, and there were "bubbles" in her stomach, which means she IS swallowing, so hopefully my levels will stay normal, and I won't have to have an amnio! I will keep my fingers crossed!

He also brought up the possibility of organ donation. He said that as long as her organs are healthy, which he says they look great as of now, that there might be a strong possibility for organ donation, which both Adam and I are pretty hopeful for. I know this is so tragic for us, but if our loss can help other families and babies, then we are all for it. We won't know more about that for sure until later, but we just talked about it briefly today.

As for me, my blood pressure is still great, but my weight was down a little AGAIN, I know my appetite has been not the greatest, but I am eating, so not sure how I keep losing? Nothing to be too concerned out, but again, something to watch I guess.

We did get a few more pictures today, but to be honest, they didn't label them, and I CANNOT tell you what I am even looking at! That stinks-----he even tried the 4D one to get a good picture of her face for us, but she wouldn't cooperate!! :) Maybe next time!

So----everything is good, all things considered, but nothing has changed...darn it!

Special Gift

2009-03-28T10:36:00.000-05:00

Jillian received her first gift yesterday-----a beautiful silver cross necklace with a tiny diamond in the center, from Uncle Seth, Aunt Jamie and Blake! Thank you so much------it is beautiful!!!!

Beautiful Baby Girl!

2009-03-28T09:19:00.000-05:00

I have been meaning to post these, here is Little Jillian at our last ultrasound, so about a month ago, I hope to get some new ones at our next visit in a couple weeks. I know sometimes it is hard to tell what you are looking at on ultrasounds...but here are the ones we got!

Here is her head and back...

Tiny Toes!

Legs---stretched wayyy out!

Yep-----another girl! :)

Thanks!

2009-03-28T09:17:00.001-05:00

We just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for all the kind phone calls, e-mails, cards, special visits and gifts we have received over the last few weeks!!!! We can't even explain how lucky we are to have such wonderful friends and family to get us through! We have received gift cards to go out to eat, one night we got a wonderful meal delivered, Angel figurines, Willow Tree figurine, and a Memory Book--- seriously we appreciate everything!!

She is certainly an active little peanut----always kicking up a storm, and I love every minute of it!!!! I am also thinking she has had hiccups a couple times, but not sure if it was that, or kicks, but sure felt like it? Malia is especially interested in my belly! She is ALWAYS kissing and hugging it, and saying, Baby Jillian (she can't say her L's----so it is too cute to hear her say Jillian!!!!) and Ellie was tickled when she got to feel Jillian kick the other night!

So please everyone continue to PRAY PRAY PRAY for Little Jillian Grace! She is a special little girl, and we are grateful she is doing well, and she is no doubt, very much loved!!!!! :)

Heaven Sent and Heaven Bound

2009-03-06T22:42:00.000-06:00

Well, I was pretty much dreading posting this, but decided we wanted people to know what was going on, so here goes...February 13, 2009 Adam and I went into have our 16 week routine ultrasound. We were pretty excited, hoping everything was ok, and that we would maybe get to find out the sex. We were unable to find out the sex, and unfortunately, found out some bad news, that our baby has a fatal neural tube defect called Anencephaly. I had never heard of this before, so we were just in shock, pretty much not knowing what was going on. They called our doctor in right away and he explained to us what it was, and that it is indeed 100% fatal. What happens, is when the spinal cord is forming, for some reason, the top of the brain stem does not form properly, therefore, the baby's brain and skull do not form. We were devastated and spent the whole weekend kind of in a daze...and I was doing all the research I could.

On Monday, we went to Omaha to see our new perinatologist, and had some genetic counseling. They were all wonderful, and very informative, although I had done so much research on my own, I pretty much knew everything they were talking about. They took another ultrasound (which told us that we are having another GIRL!!!) and confirmed what they found in Ida Grove, and weighed our options. In this situation, you pretty much have 2 options, to terminate the pregnancy, or carry to term, knowing the outcome will not change. Being 16 weeks already, seeing the baby kick, and seeing the tiny fingers and toes on the ultrasound, the only option for us was to carry the baby to term, or as long as God will allow. We know that our little girl might not make it to term, or she could be stillborn, we could get 5 minutes, 2 hours, 10 hours, or 3 days......we just don't know...but our reasoning.....this is our baby, we have seen and heard her little heartbeat, and already loved her for the past 4 months, so we owe it to her and to ourselves and families to bring her into the world, to meet her, get to hold her, and say our goodbyes...as hard as that is going to be....

The last week really has been tough, some days are ok, and others I could stay in bed and cry all day, and wonder "why us?" But I know everything happens for a reason, and sometimes things aren't fair....but I know we are strong, and we have THE BEST family and friends so I know we will get through this, and in the end find peace knowing she is resting and in Heaven.

We have chosen not to tell Ellie yet, as we don't want her to worry, but will tell her when we feel it is time. I am not looking forward to that day at all......

So that is our story up to this point. I wanted to blog this for a couple reasons....first, I feel the more people that know, the more support we will have, and there will be even that many more prayers being said, and second, I do this blog as a "story of our life" and this is what is happening "right now" so as sad as it is, it is what our family is going through, and would like to document our journey.If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask, like I said, I have done a lot of research, so feel like I am pretty informed. This is by far the hardest thing that Adam and I have ever gone through, but like I said, I know we will make it through.....

Oh....also this weekend, after a lot of deliberation, we decided on an name for our little girl, and decided Jillian Grace would make a beautiful name for a beautiful little girl! I guess I was set on naming her now, as we don't know how long we will have her with us, and I thought giving her a name now was only appropriate! We also let Ellie chose the middle name, so she is a pretty proud big sister knowing she choose Grace! Last night, Ellie even made some beaded bracelets, one for her, one for Malia and a tiny one for Jillian----so that was pretty special.