Jillian's Tree

I know there is no way I can keep up and post all the gifts we have received, but I had to take a picture and post this today. We got this from Adam's aunts, they put on a FABULOUS luncheon for everyone after Jillian's service, and this was a gift we received. It is a pot with Jillian's name painted on it with a little bear, and this beautiful tree! We also added the little butterflies from her flowers from the service and the ribbon-----I think of Jillian every time I look at it.

I will try to post more gifts over the next couple weeks----I hate to leave any out, as all of them are wonderful! From flowers, to a bracelet, picture frames, stones with sayings on them, more Willow Tree figurines, stuffed anumals....so much kindness from everyone!

Well, Adam took the girls to the pool this afternoon, so I am trying to get a few things done in a peaceful house----just thought I would post this for the day.

My Mom is a Survivor

Here is a poem my sister sent me the day of Jillian's Service.

Maternity Pictures

For anyone wanting to view our maternity pictures....please go to:
www.knopphotography.com
Click on Clients
Our password is lansink

They turned out great, and I think of Jillian everytime I think of them. We also got back all of our pictures from the hospital, and we are amazed at what a great job she did---but we would like to keep them private, I did post a few favorites yesterday though.....

Missing my little girl tonight...

Jillian's Story

Jillian Grace Lansink was born on July 14, 2009 at 9:40am. I heard the nurses say "she's out" and the next sound was one of the best sounds I have ever heard-----she cried! Not a lot, but she let out a few good cries, I knew she was still with us. The nurses got her cleaned up and handed her to Adam, then he showed me our beautiful daughter. It was love at first sight. She looked so cute, and tiny. We had Father and our parents waiting in the hallway to have her baptized right away. We also had Dr. Veltri get the girls for us right away, as we weren't sure how much time we had---but at this point, we knew she was still with us, and wanted to make sure Ellie and Malia got to meet their new little sister. They held her and gave her lots of kisses---she fit perfectly into our little family.

After I was ready, they placed Jillian in my arms and wheeled us to our room, where all of our family was patiently waiting to meet little Jillian as well. She was greeted by all of her great-grandparents, aunts and uncles--what a lucky little girl to be surrounded by so much love. I was also getting quite anxious to know her weight, so the nurses gave her a quick bath, and weighed her, she weighed in at 4 pounds 15 ounces! I was happy---we were expecting 5 pounds, so you really can't get much closer of an estimate! It was hard for me at this point, as I couldn't sit up, so I really couldn't help with her bath or get her dressed, but knew she was in good hands. They put on her little pink and green Jillian layette with her matching hat with the pretty bow---she looked beautiful---and so stylish of course. :)

Jillian spent the next hours in the arms of everyone that loved her----she wasn't put down the entire time she was with us. We never got to see her eyes, I kept hoping she would take a peek at us just once, and she tried, but never got a chance to see them. She also had a FULL head of black hair. It is so funny, as I always say how I give birth to my kids, but they never look like me, and I think little Jillian did look like me. Long black hair---it was so cute. Knowing she had Anencephaly, there are a lot of unknowns, and the extent of her defect was one we would not know until she was born, and we were so happy to learn that her head was completely covered with skin and dark hair, there was only a small opening in the back of her head that was open, so not as severe as it could have been I guess. She also made some "cooing" sounds and was a little yawner! She was constantly having big yawns! A few hours after she was born, we also decided to try feeding her with a syringe. She struggled with it at first, but after a couple times, she was taking some and swallowing it. We were pretty excited about that. I didn't want my baby to be hungry!

As night approached, a lot of our family had left, I was exhausted from being sick all day, and not getting any sleep, and so was Adam. My dad said he would stay for awhile so Adam and I could try to get a little sleep. Adam was able to get a little nap in, but as much as I tried, I just couldn't fall asleep. I was too scared if I did, I would wake up and she would be gone. So I told dad I would take her, so Jillian and I got to spend all night together. When Adam woke up about 3 or so, he fed her one last time, she was struggling a lot more this time. We had the nurse come and check her heart rate and lungs again, and her heart was still strong at 120(which is what it had been all day) and her lungs were clear. Adam and spent the next couple hours sitting together holding her, watching her make her little funny faces, and watching her big yawns! She also had started to throw up a couple times in the night, so we thought we better stop the feeding for a bit to see if it continued.

Sometime around maybe 6 am---she started to make some really cute sounds, some we hadn't heard before, she was blowing little bubbles, and then she let out a couple big cries...something we had not heard since the minute she was born. And I happened to get all of this on video---as we thought it was so cute to hear her and watch her blowing her bubbles.

At about 7:15 am, Adam was holding Jillian in the chair right next to my bed, and the nurse came in to check me and to take my catheter out, and Adam said Jillian wasn't moving anymore. The nurse immediately took Jillian over to the couch and checked her heart...she said it was barely there and we only had a few minutes left with her. We were so upset, knowing this was coming, but we weren't ready to let her go. She handed her to me and I held her close giving lots and hugs and kisses. Adam called our parents right away and told them to get to the hospital as soon as possible....we especially wanted Ellie and Malia there before Jillian was gone. The nurse came back and check again, Jillian was still with us, but her heart was very faint. My mom got the girls to the hospital, they got to hug and kiss her one last time and the nurse said she was gone. We knew this moment was coming----but NOTHING can prepare you for how much it hurts to hear it. So at 7:35am----22 hours after she entered this world, she was in Heaven.

We would never have expected that we would get that much time with her, so we are so blessed that we got almost an entire day with our precious little girl. All she knew was love, wrapped in every one's arms all day...and that is exactly what we wanted.

A side note----While in the hospital, my mom ran into someone (that I know too) that asked her what she was doing at the hospital---she went on to tell this woman that we had Jillian, and that she had passed on....the response from this person was "Well, I always wanted to know why they continued with the pregnancy knowing the outcome" Obviously, my mom was shocked this woman would say this, and say it to the face of a grieving grandma-----and when I was told she said this I was at first very angry---that some people are that heartless? But to answer her question---why did we continue with the pregnancy? How could we not?????? She is our little girl in every way, and just because she had a defect that was not going to allow her to be with us for long, why on Earth would we have chosen anything different? Yes, the last 6 months have been tough, knowing the outcome, but I am so blessed we did know.....we had time to plan everything, I got to enjoy the last 6 months of feeling her kicks, and hiccups---and loved every minute of it!!!! I would not have changed anything. We got 22 wonderful hours with our little girl, I know it isn't long, but to us, it is something we will never forget, we got to meet her, love her, kiss her, hug her, see her cute little face, toes, fingers---and we got to share her with our family----so I guess I am just still shocked someone asked that, but I guess we made the right choice for us, and do not care what anyone else thinks-----we are blessed, and even thought our hearts are breaking right now, and I wish I was sitting her holding her instead of typing this, it is our story, and wouldn't change anything.

.....More of the story to continue later, that is enough for one day.....

Pictures of Jillian

Just wanted to post a few pictures of our beautiful Little Miss Jillian Grace. We already got our pictures back from our photographer, and they are AMAZING!!!! Over 200 pictures, so I will be putting a slide show together in the near future.

We are getting ready for the service tomorrow morning, I know it is going to be so tough to say our final goodbyes...but we know she is in a better place.

We miss her more than words can say........

All of these are Images from Knop Photography (www.knopphotography.com)

12 Hour Update!!!

As of 9:40 this evening, Jillian is 12 hours old. She is eating from a dropper and seems to be very content. She has a lot of black hair and reminds us alot of Malia and Jodi both. Mom is doing fine as well. She has had her ups and downs with vomiting today, but we were told that could be expected with the c-section procedure. In fact the nurse just came by to see if she wanted to get out of bed for a while. We know we still have a long road a head of us, but it is going just as we had hoped. Thanks again for all the prayers and well wishes sent our way!!!

Adam

5 hours

This was taken on grandpa craig's phone...

Candi

Miss Jillian

I just got a call from Aunt Jamie with all of the details...

Miss Jillian Grace was born at 9:40am. She weighed 4lb 15oz. {They were in such a hurry to get her dressed they forgot to get her height} She has dark black hair, like mama :)

They got her baptized and now she is in the room with her family for LOTS of pictures. She is doing well, and they will keep me posted. Jamie took some pictures on her camera and will e-mail them to me later for the blogs.

Jodi is also doing good after her surgery and enjoying her little girl.

Thanks for checking in, and please keep the Lansinks in your prayers.

Candi

No news

I just wanted to post a little something, since phone calls and e-mails are starting to come in... there has been NO NEWS from the hospital. I will post something the second I hear from someone.

Candi

In a few hours...

...we get to meet our little girl. It is hard to believe the time as come, it has gone by so fast. So many mixed emotions right now...excitement to meet her, yet very anxious and nervous about the surgery and the unknowns....

My mom got into town today from Denver, so it was a really nice distraction today hanging out with her and my sister...taking my mind of of things. We have everything packed and ready to go in the morning. Our C-Section is scheduled for 9:30 tomorrow morning, and wanted to let everyone know my friend Candi will be updating my blogs when updates are available. I know several of you keep up with my blog and will be praying for us tomorrow, so I want to keep you all informed as much as we can.

We have received so many cards, phone calls, e-mails, gifts, and FOOD in the past few days....so a huge thank you to everyone who has shown us support----it really helps a lot!

For now, I need to get some sleep, hoping I will be able to get a good nights sleep tonight, and hoping and praying for everything to go smoothly tomorrow.

Good night.

Special Gifts

I wanted to share with you a couple gifts we have received---and I know I say this all the time, but I seriously am so beyond thankful for all the thoughtful things people have done for this----saying thank you isn't enough---I hope people do understand how much we appreciate everything---I am starting to sound like a broken record, but I can't say thanks enough....

First here is the little blanket/bear Brianne got for Jillian a couple weeks ago that I have been meaning to post---I had a volunteer to hold it for me to take the picture---she will tell me, "this is baby Jillian's" and then gives it a hug!

I also received this BEAUTIFUL bracelet today from my friend Julie. It has a silver cross and a little charm at the end that says faith. It really is beautiful and I will wear it all the time! As the card reads....May Faith Carry us Through...

A huge thank you to Julie---there are just some people are just too kind for words...

On another note----just 6 short days before Jillian's arrival. I would say we are all set, just trying to mentally prepare for all of this. I would say this week has been very stressful, I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts, I have been extremely tired, and just so many things running through my head. We have nothing planned for the weekend, so we are going to take it easy at home, and also make a trip to Sioux City just to get a few things for the hospital, and also one last thing I wanted to get was 3 matching stuffed animals for all 3 of our girls! One for Jillian to keep with her, and Ellie and Malia will always have the same one. I wanted to get ones with Jillian's name on them, and maybe something with angel wings, but guess I waited too long, so now just looking for something soft and small, like a bear, or lamb or duck....that I can get 3 of the same. I also want the girls to help pick them out--so hope we have some good luck!

We have also made our plans for the hospital and I have been in contact with our family letting them know our plans, but thought I would put on here that for the first day we are not accepting visitors except for our immediate family. With the "not knowing" it is so hard to plan anything, and who wants to tell people they can or can't see their baby right away, but this is the situation we have been put in, so we are trying to do what we think is best. I am sure day 2 we will love to see some visitors, and we PRAY that Jillian will still be with us too----only time will tell.

I have a cute video of Malia and I having a visit about Jillian----I don't have the time and energy to upload it tonight, but will get that done in the next couple days. It is cute---something I thought I wanted to remember, so thought it was worth making a video of.

We also got a print out of our maternity pictures today---and they are AMAZING! Some really good ones! Unfortunately their website is down right now, so I don't have access to let everyone see them yet, but AS SOON as they are up on the website, I will let everyone know!

Good Night!

Card/Memory Box

I just HAD to post this----one of my best friends Candi is an AWESOME scrapper and soooo crafty---I call her "Crafty Candi" But anyway, I knew I wanted a box to hold all of our cards or anything else small to keep inside our large chest....so I knew I had to ask Candi to make one for me! I could never come up with something as cute as this! She called tonight and told me to check her blog, that she had posted pictures of the completed box---and I LOVE IT!!!! I wanted one with pink and green Incorporated(as those are the colors Jillian's nursery was going to be before we found about her condition) and I don't think it could have turned out any cuter! I love the little butterflies and also the little angel wings she added-----makes it very personal! Thank you so much Candi---it is perfect! :)

(Do we have the best friends and family or what?!?!?)

Last Omaha Trip

Today was our last visit with Dr. Levine----I am going to miss seeing him! Seriously one of the nicest doctors ever! They did the normal stuff they do every time, my blood pressure was great, weight the same, and then did the ultrasound. Unfortunately he didn't do a 3D one today, and I didn't ask him too, Adam reassured me it was ok, we get to see her "for real" in 2 weeks! So no biggie. They got an estimated weight on her, and said right now she is 4 pounds 7 ounces, but without getting a head measurement it is a pretty rough estimate, but he thought the estimate was probably low, and expected her to gain about another 1/2 pound in the next 2 weeks----so we are hopeful she will be at least 5 pounds---but hard to say for sure. He was very optimistic today, as he always is, but today was even more optimistic than before. My last visit 6 weeks ago, my fluid levels were at 25, and today they were at 19.8!!! He also said Jillian looks PERFECT, her heart, her kidneys, and is still swallowing. He also said the measurement for her tummy and legs was exactly when they would be for a baby with no problems. He said with all of those factors, and no complications so far, he is very optimistic she might do pretty well when she is born. Now I know-----I am not getting my hopes up too high, as I know reality is we might only get a few minutes with her, but he said today that is isn't uncommon she will make it long enough to come home, and he said we should also decide what we want to do about feedings if she is able to eat from a syringe, we can pump or do formula, but I guess was something I hadn't really thought about before. I have been always "hoping for the best and planning for the worst" and that is still the case. I REALLY HOPE AND PRAY that she gets to come home with us, but know that reality is, she very well may not. I think that is the hardest part of all of this---is the not knowing! I do have a bassinet and car seat from Malia, and a whole tub of Malia's old infant clothes, so in the event she gets to come home, we are set.





Adam and I are also just about done with our birth plan....sure is taking a long time, but there is a lot to think about! I also know I have had a lot of friends and family ask about when we would like for visitors while in the hospital---and Adam and I are discussing that as well. It's hard--we want everyone there, but at the same time, we do not want to feel overwhelmed by so many people right away, especially if we only get a very short time with her----so it is tough, but we are working on all that and will let people know very soon what our plans are for visitors.





I also wanted to tell everyone about a book the hospital let me borrow to read----I got it read in about 3 hours---it was so good! It is called "Waiting with Gabriel" I would recommend it to anyone dealing with infant loss---I couldn't put it down.

I think that is all for now---not much going on with us for the weekend, we wanted to go somewhere, but thought being so close to our due date, we better stick close to home. Hope everyone has a great 4th of July Weekend!!!

Enjoy this moment...

Yesterday we had our maternity photo shoot and I am SO EXCITED to get to see them---I saw a preview on the camera, and they looked amazing, should be able to view them in the next couple days.....but while I was there, I was in the changing room, and on the vanity was a plate with a vinyl quote I had made a year ago when they were doing some decorating, and the plate reads,

Enjoy this moment, for this moment is your life...

I read that and realized that is a prefect saying for our life right now. I didn't need to be sad during our session, because at the moment we were taking pictures, Jillian was doing fine, and kicking like crazy, so I guess I was just enjoying that, instead of being sad about what is about to come. That as sad as all of this is, and how mad I could be, I guess until Jillian is actually here and we are forced to deal with the reality of it all, we have chosen to live in the NOW and enjoy each day....how ironic I was the one that made the plate, and seeing it again, it really said a lot about us right now.

I think this whole situation has taught me a lot about myself, a lot about other people, a lot about how I view things. I say it all the time...but I just think it would have been a big waste of our time, to lay around and cry the last few months, and yes, some days I did, or some days I wanted to, but thought, how would that be celebrating the time we have now? I can be selfish and say I SO BADLY want Jillian to live and grow with our family, but with that said, I can't help but feel so blessed at the same time. I watch a lot of news shows, and court tv shows, and hear so many heart wrenching stories of little children that are abused, murdered, or missing...and I think those are the moms that have to be desperately hurting so badly, that when they go to bed at night, might now know where their child is, or have to visualize a tragic death....and I won't have to do that. I will get to know she didn't suffer, she won't be hurt...that in her short life, all she will know is love by all her family around her, and that she is resting in a wonderful place. I guess that is how I have chosen to look at all this right now....

...now in a couple weeks I might have a completely different view, and I know I will be terribly sad and probably mad and wonder why---but in the back of my mind, I am positive we will find peace in all of this.

Here is a picture of the plate----taken a year ago, who knew it would have so much meaning to me now?


On another note----we have our last visit with Dr. Levine tomorrow in Omaha. I am really hoping to get some more 3D pictures of litte Jillian, and also hoping for an estimated weight on her. I will post more after our visit. I also had a routine visit this week with Dr. Veltri, and everything is the same, I have still not gained any weight, and in fact of lost 5 pounds since the day I found out I was pregnant----and I am 36 weeks but was measuring 34 weeks, which is fine, but that is why I am wanting to know a weight on Jillian...makes me think she might be really small? Guess we will find out tomorrow.

More after our visit tomorrow---and as always, keep us in your prayers.

Who has the cutest baby bump...

I guess I do!! Anyone that reads my family blog saw that I won the Cutest Bump Contest this weekend----thought it was only appropriate to add it to Jillian's blog---considering I wouldn't have entered or won if it wasn't for her!!! :)

Also this weekend, another GREAT long time friend of mine, Brianne, was in town...and brought a present for both Jillian and I! She got me a robe and slippers for my hospital stay---which I thought was soooo thoughtful and practical---love it!!!!!! She also got Jillian a little stuffed animal/blanket that is adorable, and has a little butterfly on it! Thanks so much Brianne----very thoughtful of you!!!!!

I had Ellie take a picture of me in my robe and slippers tonight, then of course, she had to put her robe on too and wanted me to take her picture, then we took this self portrait before bed---just thought I would add those as well----but forgot to get a picture of Jillian's gift---I will post that tomorrow---it's cute! :)

A busy week for us---maternity pics tomorrow, dr. visit tomorrow, and a trip to Omaha for a dr. visit on Thursday----the countdown is on---14 days from tomorrow Jillian will make her way into this world-----so anxious to meet her, but not at all ready to say goodbye----just PRAYING for TIME----lots of time....

Details

This week, we have gotten a couple things out of the way we needed to do.

Yesterday we met with our nursing staff at the hospital. They were all wonderful, and they also lent me a copy of the book "Waiting for Gabriel." I have seen the book and have wanted to read it, so am excited to start it tonight. Anyway----we met with 6 nurses that will be with us during delivery and after, and we couldn't be happier with how wonderful they all were. We went over a few delivery details of how we see things all happening, and talked about our stay as well. There is an OB section of the hospital where we stayed when Malia was born, so I assumed that is where we would be again, the only downfall is there really isn't a good "waiting area" so they told us and showed us a room they have on the general floor, that has a couch that pulled into a bed for Adam and a recliner and very spacious. Also directly across the hall is another room that has a couple couches, recliners, table and chairs, tv.....so nice for all of our family to feel comfortable and it is all together, so no one has to be too far from us. We were thrilled when we saw the set up, so decided that would be perfect for us! They also gave us a tour of the operating room, and showed us where our family can wait, and there is also a small waiting room right outside of the operating room for our girls(maybe), our parents and Father to wait so Jillian can be baptized right after she is born----again, it is a perfect setup for us! We will go over details with our family as it gets closer, but puts our minds at ease to actually see where we will be and they walked us through each step---it was awesome!

Then today, we finally met with Scott and Connie at the funeral home. I have been putting this off for obvious reasons, but really it wasn't that bad at all. I didn't even shed a tear. It was a very relaxed setting, and we got a few questions answered and now will just wait until Jillian arrives for the little details. We also had a plot for Jillian at the Catholic Cemetery, and we were so lucky that Adam's Grandma and Grandpa Lansink have an extra plot on the other side of their stone, so that is where we have decided to lay Jillian to rest, which is comforting knowing she will be right with family, and not by herself somewhere. Adam and I were not ready to buy our plots yet, so this will work out great. We also talked to Scott about her marker, and we originally had though we would get her name put on the large stone that is already there, but he had a great suggestion we hadn't thought about yet----which is not to add her info to the marker there, and just do a flush bronze plate for now, and he said that way, when Adam and I are ready someday to buy our plots and headstone, that she can be moved to be with us, and all info can be added to our headstone. (I still can't believe I even have to think about this all at age 28, so surreal to be thinking about burial plots?) So we have decided to go that route for now.

I must say I already feel so much better about having these details worked out and the rest we will just "go with the flow" when the time comes. I am sure some things could change, and also not knowing how much time we have with Jillian I think makes a big difference on plans, etc. So just a waiting game now...

Just one last thing----which is more of a fun thing for me is our maternity pictures! We plan to have them done in the next week, I just need to call to schedule it! You know how much I LOVE photography, so anytime we can get our pictures taken is always exciting to me! :)

So that is all for now----still feeling pretty good. I had a rough couple weeks, but for the most part doing pretty well emotionally right now. Just taking it easy and staying inside as much as possible----100 degree weather and this humidity does a number on my feet!!!!

Thanks again for checking in and your prayers are always welcome! :)

{Smile}

Yesterday I was quite surprised to go to the mailbox and have 2 packages!

The first one was a gift that my mom had sent for Jillian, a cute white tiny Bible with an embroidered cover that Jillian keep with her. She had also bought 2, so we can keep the same one in her memory box! Thanks so much mom-----we love them and Jillian will too, knowing it was picked out with love from Nana! :)

Second was the necklace I had won from Holly's Blog, Caring For Carleigh. It was a gift created by Sue at My Forever Child and is BEAUTIFUL!!! It is a silver chain with a pendant that has all 3 of our girls' names on it, with a gem for each of them. If you get a chance be sure to go to My Forever Child and check out all her items, she does a great job and has some really cool items on her site! I can't thank Holly and Sue enough for putting this drawing together, and was so excited to be the winner! There are so many up and down days, and fun drawings like this is such a great idea, and sure brightened my day! (Maybe in the future I can put something together on my blog!?)

Again----I don't even have the right words to thank our friends and family for all the kindness we have been shown already---we are so fortunate to have wonderful people around us and helping us through this----we are so very lucky!!!!!

More Special Gifts

Here are a couple special gifts we got this week:

This first one is a Willow Tree that is a gift from my Grandpa----or Jillian's Great Grandpa Schafer! I LOVE IT!

The card on this reads

"A TREE, A PRAYER:

MAY YOU FIND STRENGTH, BEAUTY AND PEACE EACH DAY"

I don't have this one yet, and goes great with my collection! Thank you so much Grandpa!!!!!

The second one was this blanket for Jillian. My Grandma Schafer had asked if there was something else I needed or wanted for Jillian that they could get for her, so I thought a blanket with her name on it would be prefect! I have always loved this minky material, and found this website Southern Sassy Pants on etsy--and got an adorable one---a great keepsake to add to her memory chest! Thank you so much Grandma!!! I know Jillian will love being all snuggled up in it! :)

The Date is Set

I met with my surgeon today, and set the date of July 14 as Jillian's Birthday! Wow, I wasn't quite prepared for that, it is only 4 short weeks from today. My due date is actually July 29, so 2 weeks early, which I think should be fine. He was pretty nice, but I am seriously TERRIFIED to have a C-Section! I have never any any kind of surgery in my life, so this is giving me so much anxiety---but I hope we are making the right choice, and this will allow us some extra time with Jillian. I don't like the fact that I am pretty much helpless, that after she is born, I still have to lay there and get stitched up, but I am sure it will all work out, just so many things to think about! I am almost done with my birth plan, and we are going to meet with our nurses in the next couple weeks too, which will be great to go over our expectations and make sure we are all on the same page. So far, I was told three nurses that will be with us, and couldn't be happier!

As far as myself, I have really had to slow things down a bit, if I overdo it, my back kills me and I get slight cramps in my stomach, so I have been trying to take it easy----but body tells me when I have done too much! Hoping to get a lot of going to the pool with the girls, and relaxing over the next few weeks----and just one thing left to do, and that is talking to the funeral home. I keep putting it off, for obvious reasons, but will be forced to do that this week sometime....oh and our maternity pictures! I FINALLY figured out our outfits, so will hopefully be getting those done in the next week or so too---but other than that, I have everything I need for Jillian, her suitcase is even already packed, just in case something happened early, I wanted to make sure I at least had all of her stuff ready to go! We also meet one more time with our doctor in Omaha---so hoping for once last chance to see her cute little face on the 3D ultrasound before we get to meet her. I am sure the next 4 weeks are going to just fly by, so I just want to sit back and relax and enjoy every last minute of this----and the girls have REALLY sparked an interest the last week or so in watching my tummy move all about! I also plan to get a video---sometimes my tummy looks like a tidal wave!

Oh---and I have the cutest story about Malia...
the other night while I was tucking her into bed, we were talking about Jillian, and how mommy will have to go to the hospital to get her out of my tummy, etc, and were going through all the people that get to hold her, and Malia was saying she was going to hold her, and kiss her and then I said "what are you going to say to Jillian?" (thinking she would say I love you or something like that) and she instantly started singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".....she is going to sing to her!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously it was adorable!!!! Still if you ask her now what she is going to say to her sister, she will start singing----I better get that on video as well----melts my heart!
Ellie also has lots of questions, and wanted to know the other day where Jillian was going to sleep, if we get to bring her home, since we don't have a room for her, or she will say things like, "Oh, I just love Jillian so much, why does she have to die?" I know this is going to be hard on her as well----but we have a great support system and we will all get through this together.

Well, I have a couple "gifts" I need to go take pictures of to post, so look for another post later!

Thanks for everyone for keeping up with us and our journey, and all the kinds words and prayers-----it is greatly appreciated! :)

Emotional Ups and Downs

This week has probably been the worst week I have had in months emotionally. I think it set it in that in a few short weeks, little Jillian will be here. With that comes excitement to get to meet her and hold her, but also comes sadness to have to think we have to say goodbye. I have tried my best to stay positive, and to keep my head up, but that is getting harder everyday. This is suppose to be an exciting time---I should be getting her nursery situated, and getting all her clothes washed, folded and hung in her closet and dreaming about what it is going to be like with 3 little girls in the house and how Ellie and Malia would be awesome big sisters---but that was all shattered and we just don't know why?

I know we are so lucky she is still with us at 33 weeks and hope she can hold out for another few weeks, and I know the time we get with her will be wonderful and special and we will treasure it forever. It's just a lot to deal with sometimes....

Reporting in...

Reporting in for all my followers...I feel like I don't update this blog as much as I do my family one, but I don't really have much to report! Things are going just fine, which is good! I can't believe Jillian is due in 8 short weeks-----wow, hard to imagine! I have been feeling great, a little tired, probably because I have hit the "up 5 times in the night to pee" phase, so I am not getting much sleep, but that is expected, and was the same with Ellie and Malia!



We did call the funeral home today and are planning to go in and talk to them next week---this is the part I have been putting off, but it is time to get all that in order, in case Jillian decides to come early, we will have everything ready. So more details on that next week.



The girls and I had also gotten a gift from one of my best friends Katie a couple weeks ago, and wanted to post. She got all of us matching necklaces, that have little rings on them with words...mine has the words MOTHER, STRENGTH, and MEMORIES and the girls both have SISTER and REMEMBER. They are really so neat and I seriously wear mine EVERYDAY--well Malia too, she is always asking if she can wear her necklace too! I also love that I can add rings with different words---I am sure I will be adding some soon! Thank you so much Katie---we love them and it is so nice you were thinking of us!



Here is one picture I have that Adam took when we were all three wearing them!!!!

First Baby Pics!

Today was our visit with Dr. Levine in Omaha. We had a GREAT visit-----seriously we are SO BLESSED to have the best doctors!!!! He is so down to earth and makes us feel so at ease about our decisions. He also thought there was no problem with delivering here in IG----so we have one more visit scheduled with him in 6 weeks, before Jillian's arrival!

Everything looks fantastic---my blood pressure is still great, and Jillian looked great, he said she is measuring a little small, not too small, just a little, so we should expect her to be a little smaller, which he said is not abnormal, but she looks great! He also said there is still fluid in her stomach and she was "peeing" so that is a good sign. My fluid levels though we a little high----mine were 24 and he said 25 would be borderline high----so nothing to worry about this time, but if I start to feel like I am getting bigger or more uncomfortable, just to let him know.

We were also so lucky to get some great 3D/4D pictures of her today! We watched her for probably 15 minutes on the 3D----and that was amazing! I never had them with Ellie or Malia----but it is the coolest thing!!! It is like you are looking right at her! She was very squirmy and we saw her open her mouth one, and even stick her tongue out!!!! Too cute! So here are the pictures we got from today---a lot easier to see than the last 2D ones we had taken several weeks ago!

Enjoy-----isn't she so darn cute?!?!?

Love this one! It looks like she is wearing a hat!!!! :)

This one is her cute little ear and her hands covering her face!

30 Weeks

Wow, I can't believe we are already to 30 weeks!

I had an OB visit today, and everything was routine, and we found out that we will be able to deliver here in Ida Grove, and we are going ahead with a C-Section. Seriously, we are thrilled! It may sound odd that we had to ok it first, but for those who don't know, we live in a town less than 3,000 people, and our hospital is not really a "high risk" hospital, but we thought considering our situation, we know the outcome, and we don't need a NICU that the bigger hospitals have, so it is mainly for our comfort level, just being right here in our hometown makes me breathe a sigh of relief. So we are very grateful for that!

We have an appointment tomorrow in Omaha with our perinatologist, so will get to have another ultrasound done, hopefully we will get another 3D/4D done and hopefully we her little face! I will be sure to post if we do!

Willow Tree Figurines

I am just so thankful for all the kind words and acts of kindness from people. Today, my neighbor Stephanie stopped and gave me this really neat Willow Tree figurine. It is called the "Angle of Mine" and says "so loved, so very loved" on the card. I LOVE it!!!!!

This also reminded me that I hadn't posted the other one I had gotten from Trudie, an angel of "courage" that I seriously would look at when I was feeling down, and remind me that I can do this, we will make it through this.

AND.....also my friend since I was 2, (wow that's a long time!!!!) Katie had given me these 2 small angels a while back also, that I never got blogged! So I wanted to say a HUGE THANK YOU for the thoughtfulness, and they really do brighten my day! I have also "secretly" loved the Willow Tree figurines and wanted to start collecting them....so now I can!

I think the last week has really been a good one. I find myself at a pretty good place with all of this. I still don't like it, and wish things were different, but I think I am coming to an acceptance, that this our journey, we have been chosen to carry Jillian, and as tough as that sometimes, we will all be ok, knowing she will be healed and in Heaven. I am sure I will have many more ups and downs in the next couple months, but for now, I think we are doing pretty well. (considering the situation that is)

Updates

First off I want to say thank you so much for all the wonderful comments I received over the last few days. As you may have noticed, I deleted the last 2 posts, and unfortunately all the comments got deleted as well. I was having a rough couple days, but after I "calmed down" I realized this blog is not a place I want to vent or sounds ungrateful, so I chose to delete the posts. We really are super lucky and know we have a great support system----so thank you for all the kind words everyone said, I think it lifted my spirits!



On another note----I had my 28 week check up today with Dr. Veltri. Everything seems to be doing fine, Jillian had a strong heartbeat in the 160's, my blood pressure is still fine, and I am measuring right on track. For some reason though, I have not gained any weight with the pregnancy? I have in fact lost about 9 pounds since the day I found out I was pregnant???? Figure that one out? I know my appetite is just not there, but I am eating---so I guess for the next couple weeks I am going to try to watch my food intake a little more and see if I can't put on a couple pounds---not that I look like I am wasting away or anything---I don't!!!! HAHA!!! Other than that----everything with Jillian and myself are going just fine.



One thing I did talk with him about today was delivery. You see, Adam and I had been talking over the last few weeks about really wanting to deliver in Ida Grove(our hometown) and not in Omaha(2 hours away). At first I was a little leary and I didn't know what I wanted, but I think after we really thought about it, this is where our home is, this is where our family is, Father Heeman, our photographer, the funeral home....it just feels "right to deliver here." I had asked him today what he thought about that and said he would have an answer for me at our next visit in 2 weeks, so I am hopeful we can go ahead and plan for that. I have also decided about 95% sure that I am going to have a C-Section. I have never had one before, and don't really want to, but under the circumstances, I have decided it is the best choice for us. I want every minute possible with her, so if there is a greater chance with a C-Section, than I guess I am willing to take it. I also know that if we do decide (or if we even can) have more children in the future, I will have to continue with the sections, but again, I am ok with that. So I will keep you all updated on our delivery plans as I find out for sure.



One more thing----I was too tired last night with our busy weekend to post, but my mother in law had given me the blankets she had made for us yesterday------there are 2 identical blankets, one for Jillian and one for me to keep! I just love the idea of always having the exact same blanket Jillian does----I am sure I will be cuddling with mine many nights. So thank you so much for the blankets----they are beautiful and will be perfect!!!!! :)






I almost forgot also-----I just started reading the book "I'll Hold you in Heaven" thanks to Abby for picking it up for me!! I have been following Holly's website and she is doing a "book club" over this book, so thought I would join. I am am not one to add to the discussions, but I am reading along and love to see what other people think, and helps me and my understanding.

That's it for now-----just taking it day by day!