10 months

I got a special package in the mail a few weeks ago from a good friend of mine, it was a nice card, with some packets of flower seeds(4 packs, 1 for each of our girls!) I got the idea to let Ellie and Malia plant them for Jillian. So yesterday, I picked up a couple small pots for each of them, we planted the seeds, and then each girl got to decorate their pots with stickers and markers and as soon as the flowers start to go, we will take them out to Jillian! The girls had a fun time planting and decorating---and thanks to my friend Amy for always being so thoughtful!!!

Here are a few pictures of the girls:

I know Jillian was smiling down on us while we were doing this for her! We try to incorporate her in most things we do, because she is a part of our family, no matter what. We are also very excited to add her little sister to the family in just 10 days! I also know she will be watching over us to make sure everything goes just fine!!

And I can't post without a picture of our beautiful little girl with her beautiful big sisters!!

WE LOVE AND MISS YOU BABY JILLIAN!!!!!!!

9 Months

Wow----9 months already since Miss Jillian was born. The months just keep coming and going...and she is always in our hearts and on our minds.

We finally picked out her marker last week, so will be nice to get that up at the cemetery soon! We also took some pretty pink and white flowers out for spring, and she got a new night light from Grandma Teresa and Grandpa Doug---it glows green and has butterflies on it. We got a vase to go with the marker, so I am anxious to have a place to arrange the flowers, instead of sticking them in the dirt. I will be sure to post pictures when all of that is done!

I like to post pictures of Jillian each month and wanted to show just how beautiful she looked in burial outfit...in her pretty dress and sweater and jewelry...she also has her teddy bear, blanket and her bible tucked beside her as well. These pictures are a little harder to see and takes me back to the day of the funeral...but she is just so pretty :)

We love and miss you "Baby" Jillian!!

8 Months

Today marks 8 months since Jillian was born. It has been a hard winter here not being able to visit the cemetery since Thanksgiving---BUT I drove by today and it looks like another day or 2 of melting and we WILL BE ABLE TO VISIT!!!!!! I was thrilled!! I am anxious to get out there and take down all her Christmas decorations, and replace them with bright, spring decorations!

We are also busy preparing for our March of Dimes walk coming up in May---we have received several donations in Jillian's honor already! Thank you to everyone that has made a donation, ordered a shirt, that is going to walk with us, and that loves Jillian as much as we do!

With eight months gone by, I can say we are doing well and it has gotten easier. I would say we are in a good place, and have so many things to be grateful for and so many things to look forward to....and Jillian is here with us each step of the way!

A beautiful little angel!

One Year

One year ago tomorrow, was one of the worst days, if not THE worst day of our lives. (aside from the day we had to bury our daughter) We were expecting our little miracle baby, the one we prayed for, the one we tried for 15 months with no luck, the one we had already fallen in love with. We were 16 weeks along, and were so excited for a routine ultrasound. I remember I was excited, but Adam and I didn't tell ANYONE we even had an ultrasound. The only ones that knew where my grandma and grandpa, because they watched Malia for us while we went. In the past, with both Ellie and Malia, I would broadcast to anyone that we were having an ultrasound, and that we couldn't wait to find out if it was a boy or girl. This time was different. Like deep down I didn't want everyone to know we were going, so I would not be getting several calls and e-mails asking how it went? Even when we got to the ultrasound that day, I told Adam while in the waiting room, that I was very nervous and anxious about this, I had a different feeling. (Not to mention it was Friday the 13th, and I even thought about rescheduling when I found out they scheduled this for Friday the 13th.)

The first part of the ultrasound was normal, we saw the baby moving around like crazy!! We heard the heartbeat and everything was looking good. It's funny how the thing I was most excited about was to find out the sex, never really thinking anything would be terribly wrong. As she was looking over everything, it suddenly got very quiet in the room. An awkward quiet. The kind of silence that makes your heart race, as you can almost tell something is wrong, and no one has to say a word. She then told us to look at the monitor...and pointed out where the baby's head was, and explained to us that she did not see the brain or skull. She teared up instantly, and that is when we knew this was bad. She turned off the monitor and called our dr right away.

In that moment, everything came crashing down. This was suppose to be such an exciting, fun time for us and our family, and here we are sitting in a room about to hear that our baby has a fatal condition. When Dr. Veltri got there, he explained to us that our baby(not sure if this was a boy or girl at this point) had Anencephaly. Neither Adam or I had ever heard of this. He explained that it was fatal, and we had a couple options. I think we were all so in shock, none of us knew what was going to happen. We scheduled an appointment in Omaha for Monday, so we had to sit at home all weekend with this news. I am glad we had that time though, because I think Adam and I both researched as much as we could, which is what brought us to our decision to carry to term. It helped us so much reading blogs of other families that were going through the same thing. If they could do this, so could we. I still wasn't sure how I was going to go the next 6 months, carrying a baby inside me that was not going to live, but knew it would all work out like it was suppose to....and it did.

I wish every day I could go back to that day, and change the outcome, I wish everyday that Jillian was here with us. Some days I get so mad at all of this, some days I still feel like I am in shock as to what we have been through. But with all that said, I would not change anything given the situation we were in. Yes, I could change the diagnosis in a heartbeat, but I know we are so glad we carried to term and got to spend so much time with Jillian. Sunday also marks 7 months since she was born......7 months already. Seven months of missing her.....each day we miss her the same. The pain doesn't get any better. How we deal with is has gotten better, but I don't think that pain will ever go away....

6 Months

Six months ago today, Miss Jillian Grace was welcomed into our family. I look back at these pictures, and it sure brings back a lot of emotions. We couldn't be prouder to call her our daughter, and she has 2 very proud big sisters. Jillian is very much a part of our family, and not a day goes by that we don't think about her. What I wouldn't give to give her just one more hug and kiss....

Love and Miss you lots baby girl.....

Love this one with Jillian's Great Grandparents

(all images were taken by Knop Photogrpahy)

Here is Jillian with the 3 bears: one was buried with Jillian, Ellie sleeps with hers ever night, and Malia's sits on her shelf in her room. I know the girls will hold a special place for these bears for years and years.

I know I said I was not going to add anymore to Jillian's blog, but since I still have not had it printed, I thought I would add to it, and have it printed for her 1st birthday.

3 Months

Today is a little bittersweet for me....my 29th birthday, and also just 3 months ago Jillian Grace was born. She would be 3 months old today, and as much as I soooo wish she was here, I know she is celebrating in Heaven, and also she is here celebrating with us.

I know everyone always says, "I can't believe it had been that long already" and I guess for me, I feel like it has been sooo long ago she was with us. Don't know why that is, just seems like a lot longer than 3 months.

I know Jillian was sent to us for a reason, and I feel like because of her I have become a lot stronger person. I feel her with me everyday and I feel like there are so many things I want to accomplish and never had the nerve to do it before, and now I feel like she is giving me a nudge, and telling me to go for it! She is one special little girl, and she doesn't need to be here on Earth for me to know that. Every time I see her pictures, her sweet little smile...it makes me smile now more than cry....but still have plenty of tears now and then.

This is going to be the last post on Jillian's Blog. I am ready to print it and add it to her memory chest. She is a part of our family, so anything about her will be added to my family blog. I had this blog at first to keep people updated on her journey....and I don't really have much more to say that can't be said on our family blog.

I want to thank all of you for following along, all your thoughts and prayers through this journey....we have an amazing group of people, some we have known forever, some we have become friends through Jillian, and some I have never met, but know you are going through this same journey, and you are all strong woman and we are all becoming stronger through each other.

Happy 3 Months in Heaven Jillian! We all love you and miss you so much---but you already know that!

2 Months

It has been 2 months today, since Jillian was born. We still miss her as much as we did the day she left us and went to Heaven. We still think about her several times each and every day, and she is still a big part of our family, even though we can't see her, we know she is with us, helping get through. Isn't she the cutest little angel you have ever seen?!

I might be a little partial---but I sure think so!

Jillian's Story Continued...

Ok, picking up where I left off from before....I was released from the hospital only about 30 hours after Jillian arrived, and coming home without our little girl was terrible. I was full of adrenaline int he hospital, and really felt no pain, until I got home, my heart was aching, and so was my body. I am lucky that my mom was staying with us to help take care of me, and lucky that my in laws and Andrew and Lisa watched the girls for us, and kept things pretty "normal" for them. The night we came home I went to bed early, as I didn't sleep a wink the night before, as I was holding Jillian all night, taking to her, watching her make her cute faces, and noises, I didn't want to miss a thing, and know God allowed me to have that special time with her, alone, just her and I.

We had to wait until Friday to get to dress her, and we were both very anxious to get to see and hold Jillian again. We got to dress her in her beautiful pink and white striped dress, with the matching cardigan. We spent some time holding her and taking it all in. It was so hard when it was time to lay her in her tiny casket. I knew this was the last time I would hold her. She layed in the little white casket, wrapped in the beautiful blanket Teresa had made, her little angel bear that matches Ellie and Malia's, and her beautiful diamond cross necklace that Aunt Jamie had given her. She looked so cute, I just wanted to bring her home, not place her in the casket.

The following day, Saturday, just 4 days after she was born, was the day to say our final goodbyes. We had a private family visitation at the funeral home, and a short graveside service at the cemetery. Afterwards, Adam's aunts put together a very nice reception for everyone at our house, I am so glad we did this. I didn't want to come home to an empty house without her. It was sad though, all our family here, she was the missing piece. We should have been throwing a party for everyone to meet her, instead we were gathering to celebrate her 22 hours, which is nice, just not what we had ever planned. We had 9 months to plan for Jillian, not in a normal way you plan for a baby, but the only way we knew how to plan for our baby that wasn't going to survive. I think looking back, I don't think we could have planned and prepared for her any better. With that said, looking back on things after she was born, there are still a couple things that I am really struggling with, things I wish I would have done differently...nothing that I can change, just something I have to deal with I guess.....just precious time we can't get back.

I never imagined in my life that I would bury my baby, just isn't something you really ever think about until it happens. It's so hard...we think about her everyday. Some days are still hard, but most days are ok. I can feel we are being carried, through every one's prayers.

It is so hard for me to look back and try to "replay" in my mind every little detail.....it is too hard. So this is the last of Jillian's story that I am going to share. My plan is to keep her blog up for a little while longer, and when I am ready, I am going to print her blog, and add it to her memory chest. I guess I feel like she is now a part of our family, and anything I want to write about her, or update about her, will be a part of our family blog. I am not quite ready to complete this blog yet, but in due time.

Thanks to all my loyal readers, to keeping up with my ramblings. I feel like I just ramble, and not sure if any of it really makes sense, and I am NOT GOOD with talking about how I am feeling, but I am working on that. Adam and I are BOTH working on that and grieving TOGETHER. It's hard, its hard for me to show my emotions to anyone, and I know it is for Adam as well. We are just trying to do the best we can. Some days are still really hard, and some days we are ok. Not a day goes by that Jillian isn't in our thoughts...we miss her sooo much, but I say it all the time....HOW LUCKY ARE WE....TO SPEND 22 FABULOUS HOURS WITH HER????? I mean really-----she was a fighter, and I will never forget the quiet hours in the night I spent with her and I alone....its priceless. I know that in her short time, all she knew was LOVE.

Some more pictures:

Jillian and I on the ride to our room---proud mommy!!

This is a picture I took in the night when it was just her and I, she was blowing bubbles and making cute high pitched noises. I have it on video, but we haven't brought ourselves to watch it yet---but we will.

This is at the funeral home, after getting her dressed.

Her beautiful flowers.....and the butterflies were a perfect touch! :)

Pretty in Pink!

Last night we were at Teresa's and downloaded her pictures of Jillian....it was so fun to see some new ones I hadn't seen before! She got some really good ones that I didn't have...which I am thankful for! Here are a couple of my favorites!

I LOVE this first one------this pink Gap outfit was my favorite!!!!! Pretty in Pink!!!!

Daddy was the only one that go to feed Jillian. She ate a few times, tiny drops at a time, but she did get a little something.....quite a fighter she was!

I get to post pictures of Ellie and Malia everyday---so I thought why not post a couple new ones of Jillian----I like to show her off as well! I am the proud mommy of 3 girls, and we will never forget that! :)

Another Favorite

Here is another favorite I wanted to share----this was taken minutes after Jillian was born----she looks so happy and smiling!

I tell ya, I thought each day was suppose to get easier, but it sure isn't, I think it is opposite for me. It's tough---but just look at that little face.

Angel Blankets

The day of our fundraiser, the girls were given these gifts from the residents at the nursing home...beautiful tie blankets with angels on them-----their "Jillian Blankets"! So neat...and something they can use and cherish forever!

One Month

Our little peanut would be 1 month old today....Adam had to work tonight, but the girls and I went to visit Jillian tonight after it got dark to see her light. I think today it has really hit me and has been a pretty rough night. Ellie and I sat there and cried, and laughed. Ellie says she wishes she had a button to push that would send her to heaven so she can give Jillian a hug, and then come back to us. So sweet. We also talked about how cute she was, and how we wish she didn't have that darn "owie". We also talked about the cute little faces she made, all her big yawns, and the times she stuck her tongue out, how we thought her dark hair was just so cute, and how we still knows she is a brown eyed girl just like us! We also decided to call her our "squeaky peanut"---because she sure made a lot of "squeaky" noises, and she was just a little peanut----both girls were calling her that tonight.

Jillian, we miss you so much. We wish we had just one more day with you, to hold you again, hug and kiss you...and tell you how much we love you. You have a permanent place in our family, and will forever, no matter what. We know you are watching over us each day, you are our special angel. We love you (squeaky peanut)

Jillian's Story Continued

Continuing from where I left off before----Jillian passed away at 7:35 on July 15. This was obviously very heart wrenching for all of us, but I think something came over me, maybe adrenaline, right away I knew I needed to get myself up and going, and there were still pictures we needed to take, the next couple hours are kinda a blur to me----I remember taking a shower and trying to make myself presentable for pictures, my dad called Danika to see if she could get there right away...and she did! By this time, I was up and going, and was able to dress my little girl for the first time. I changed her into her beautiful, long, white gown...it was a little big, but she looked like an angel. Danika did a great job getting some pictures of Jillian in her gown, with her Angel bear, all three of the girls together, Jillian's tiny toes and fingers, family pictures, pictures with the girls and their bracelets that Ellie had made.....I knew exactly in my head all the details I wanted to remember her by, and with the help of Danika, we were able to achieve that. When we were done with the dress, I changed her into her last outfit I brought with us, and I think my favorite, being the little pink Gap outfit, with matching onesie and hat, and little white socks----it was a preemie size, and I think it was made for her. She just looked beautiful in this little pastel pink outfit----not that that outfits matter, it is just the memory of her with these "tangible" things that we hold in our hearts.

Wow----it really is hard to take myself back to that day, I can feel all the emotions coming back...

After we were done with pictures, we spent the next couple hours with Jillian. A lot of our family stopped by the hospital again to see her one last time before the funeral. I don't know what it was, but in those hours after she passed, she looked so content and peaceful. That was the hardest few hours---it might have been selfish, but I didn't want to share her. I knew in a couple hours, we were going to have to let her go, so it was hard for me to not have her in my arms----this little girl that was just inside me for the last 9 months, would soon be gone, forever. At one point, I think it all just hit me, and with most of our family in the room, I just lost it, I was trying to be sooo strong, but sometimes you can only do that so long. I also knew it was about time for us to call the funeral home and have them come and get her. Adam and I spent a little time alone with Jillian, we KNEW this time was coming, but I don't think ANYTHING could have prepared me for how I would feel when they actually got there to take her. The thing I remember from that moment, is what I was MAD! This is the first time that I really was MAD that this was happening to us----and wanted to know WHY US??? It is so unfair. That is the part I am really trying to forget....that moment when I had to kiss her and send her away is just something no parents should have to do-----and there are no words to describe how much that hurt.......

Soon after she was taken, they released me as well. This is one thing I will be forever thankful for---there is no way I could have stayed at the hospital, in that room, any longer. That is where Jillian spent her entire life, I couldn't stay there without her. So luckily we have a GREAT doctor that I will be forever grateful too, for letting me go home, and making a special house call the next day instead of keeping me there. Luckily, I had GREAT help at home too....which I couldn't have done it without the help of especially my mom, she was my nurse for a couple days. To think...I had just had surgery a day and a half ago, and now I was recovering from that, and also had a broken heart. I also don't know how I would have gotten through the next few days without the help of our families----I say it all the time, but really we were very blessed to have such wonderful support during that time. I have a "blogger friend" who also lost her baby boy, and she talks a lot about how a lot of her friends and family abandoned them afterwards. I know that was a really hard thing for me after the funeral and everything is "over"---is that everyone returns to work, continues on with their lives, and we are still sitting here with our worlds torn apart. It was especially hard for me when my mom had to go back to Denver the day after Jillian's service-----it was nice to have people around, and the distractions, and then all the sudden, you are sitting here all alone----thinking, now what? Grief is such a crazy thing.
(Click here to read how Trisha describes this as "Drowning" )

Ok, that is all for now, this is so much harder than I thought----I want to make sure I get this all down though, I want to get it written before I maybe forget some details. If some of this doesn't make sense, because it is just my rambling on and on---sorry, but I am just typing what I am feeling and how I see things.....I am no writer by any means, but I am writing from my heart...and want to document all of this, it is just REALLY hard reliving it---and as hard as it is to relive it, it also makes me smile to relive it....there is so much heartache, but I also smile when I picture her cute little face, and everything about her-----our baby girl. So many mixed emotions.

I just know one thing-----we all MISS her and LOVE her SO MUCH!

Good Read

I have received a few books on grief over the past few months (and no duplicates either if you can believe that?!) And the one I am reading now is called Dear Cheyenne(the 6th edition). I am almost done, but wanted to share how much I have enjoyed reading this book, and would highly receommend it to anyone dealing with infant grief. Thanks Sheryl!

2 Weeks

It is hard to believe it has been 2 weeks since Jillian was born. Wow---seems just like yesterday we were all cuddling with her, watching her cute little faces, watching her yawn, and giving her lots of hugs and kisses----and now we are missing her. Each day is different. Some days are ok, I get through the day without crying, and the next, I am very emotional and can't stop thinking about her. But it has only been 2 weeks, so I would assume that is to be expected. We went out to visit Jillian again tonight, always feels comforting to go to the cemetery...we are there almost every night! (We think we need a bench! HAHA!) It is just so peaceful when we go, on the hill with a little breeze and the sun setting---its nice.

Today we also received something in the mail I wasn't quite prepared for----her death certificate. It was a little odd opening up the letter to find out what it was....we haven't even gotten her birth certificate yet---don't really know what to do with it, I guess stick it in her memory box? Hmmmmm? Not sure? Something you don't really think about getting for one of your children...

Ellie has also started to get a little more emotional and had a couple break downs--which was kind of a relief to me. I didn't know how to read her, she really hadn't cried much or talked about Jillian, she been keeping it inside----but now for the past couple nights, she cries at bedtime. She told me she tries not to think about Jillian, because it makes her cry, and at bedtime is when she lays there and thinks about her, so she gets sad. We cry together and I tell her it is ok to cry and think about her, and we will get through this together. One thing she is having a really hard time with, is that she never got to see Jillian's eyes. We all wish she would have looked at us, but for Ellie, it really bothers her. We decided though, that since she had dark hair like me, that her eyes would have been dark too----Ellie just doesn't think she looked like a blue eye or green eyed girl---definitely a brown eyed girl. :) It breaks my heart to have Ellie hurting---I want to take the hurt away from her, but I can't. It is something we all have to endure and face head on. Grief is a crazy thing---even knowing for 6 months about Jillian's condition, you can still NEVER prepare for how much it hurts when they are gone.

Jillian---we all miss you more than words can say. We wish you were here with us right now, I wish I was having sleepless nights, waking up to feed and change you, and rock you back to sleep, I wish your sisters were getting to know you and getting used to your place in our little family, and Daddy was taking long naps with you laying in his chest. I know you are happy, healthy and healed in Heaven, but still can't help but wish you were here.

Heaven's Child

I wanted to share this poem that my friend, Becky, wrote for Jillian. I love reading it, and plan to put it in a frame with her picture. It means so much Becky, thank you!

(Click on the poem to make it bigger)

Tonight I was also going through and reading all of our cards(there is a lot, I even had to have Candi make me another card box to hold them all) but anyway, I came across one card that just really hit me, I love it so I thought I would share----

A butterfly lands near us,

and for a brief moment,

its beauty belongs to our world...

...but then it flies on again,

and though we wish

it could have stayed,

we feel so lucky

to have seen it.

For some reason, that just really stuck out to me.....and I think of Jillian every time I see a little butterfly, so this card was perfect! So were all the others, so many nice cards, and nice things people have said.....it great to have such wonderful friends and family.

A Few Things

I have a couple random things I wanted to share with everyone:

Today I spent the morning getting some pictures printed of Jillian and put into frames. The house just seems complete now with a few pictures of her. I have a couple in the living room and dining room, and then put one in both Ellie and Malia's room, and also our bedroom. I was really excited to how well the frame turned out that I did for our room....

We bought this black frame at Target, I printed the pictures from home, and added the vinyl sayings, and also tied her little bracelet to a ribbon and secured it onto the middle of the frame---it couldn't have turned out any better!

I also did the same to the frames in Ellie and Malia's rooms---printed these adorable pictures of Jillian, and added her name in vinyl, and thought the little butterfly was a perfect touch!

Ellie's Picture

Malia's Picture

Tonight before bed, Malia was talking to Jillian's picture, and giving her kisses, and even sang her Twinkle Twinkle Little Star----we want to make sure she knows who her sister is and doesn't forget, since she is so little.

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I also wanted to share this beautiful bracelet I had gotten last week. I LOVE IT----and wear it everyday---it is cute that both the girls will looks at it and tell me who each letter stands for----a huge thank you to Kari for making this for me----you can check out her website at
http://www.4thstreetbeads.com/

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It is hard to believe it will 2 weeks ago on Tuesday that Jillian was born------seems like it was yesterday. We have been doing pretty well, we obviously miss her dearly, and wish things were different, but this is the way our story goes. We go to visit her almost every night, and never say "goodbye" to her, it is always "see you later"---as we know we will see her again someday. When we pull up Malia will yell, "We're Baaaack!!!" It is cute----and blows kisses when we leave.

Ellie has been taking everything extremely well, I don't know if she is too young to really understand, or if she is just so smart that she gets it----a couple times when I was upset, she would bring me a tissue, and tell me we don't have to be sad, Jillian is in Heaven---so I think she really does understand that she is in a good place, but is amazing, she is only 7! So as hard as it is some days, I can't help but get through the day knowing how lucky we really are---to have 2 happy, healthy little girls, and one that we were blessed to have 22 wonderful hours with who is watching over us each day. Still wish I could change things, and she was here with us right now, but I guess we are just trying to move forward and cherish the memories and pictures we have of her...and know we will see her again someday.

One of my favorites

I wanted to share this picture of little Miss Jillian. I am so glad we took this picture to remember how much hair she had---and how dark it was! So cute.....both Ellie and Malia were bald when they were born and took years to grow(Malia is still working on it at 2 1/2) so I was sooo excited Jillian had hair! We did also cut a little off to keep in her memory box.

The little things that mean sooooo much...

Jillian's Tree

I know there is no way I can keep up and post all the gifts we have received, but I had to take a picture and post this today. We got this from Adam's aunts, they put on a FABULOUS luncheon for everyone after Jillian's service, and this was a gift we received. It is a pot with Jillian's name painted on it with a little bear, and this beautiful tree! We also added the little butterflies from her flowers from the service and the ribbon-----I think of Jillian every time I look at it.

I will try to post more gifts over the next couple weeks----I hate to leave any out, as all of them are wonderful! From flowers, to a bracelet, picture frames, stones with sayings on them, more Willow Tree figurines, stuffed anumals....so much kindness from everyone!

Well, Adam took the girls to the pool this afternoon, so I am trying to get a few things done in a peaceful house----just thought I would post this for the day.