Friday, February 12, 2010

One Year

One year ago tomorrow, was one of the worst days, if not THE worst day of our lives. (aside from the day we had to bury our daughter) We were expecting our little miracle baby, the one we prayed for, the one we tried for 15 months with no luck, the one we had already fallen in love with. We were 16 weeks along, and were so excited for a routine ultrasound. I remember I was excited, but Adam and I didn't tell ANYONE we even had an ultrasound. The only ones that knew where my grandma and grandpa, because they watched Malia for us while we went. In the past, with both Ellie and Malia, I would broadcast to anyone that we were having an ultrasound, and that we couldn't wait to find out if it was a boy or girl. This time was different. Like deep down I didn't want everyone to know we were going, so I would not be getting several calls and e-mails asking how it went? Even when we got to the ultrasound that day, I told Adam while in the waiting room, that I was very nervous and anxious about this, I had a different feeling. (Not to mention it was Friday the 13th, and I even thought about rescheduling when I found out they scheduled this for Friday the 13th.)

The first part of the ultrasound was normal, we saw the baby moving around like crazy!! We heard the heartbeat and everything was looking good. It's funny how the thing I was most excited about was to find out the sex, never really thinking anything would be terribly wrong. As she was looking over everything, it suddenly got very quiet in the room. An awkward quiet. The kind of silence that makes your heart race, as you can almost tell something is wrong, and no one has to say a word. She then told us to look at the monitor...and pointed out where the baby's head was, and explained to us that she did not see the brain or skull. She teared up instantly, and that is when we knew this was bad. She turned off the monitor and called our dr right away.

In that moment, everything came crashing down. This was suppose to be such an exciting, fun time for us and our family, and here we are sitting in a room about to hear that our baby has a fatal condition. When Dr. Veltri got there, he explained to us that our baby(not sure if this was a boy or girl at this point) had Anencephaly. Neither Adam or I had ever heard of this. He explained that it was fatal, and we had a couple options. I think we were all so in shock, none of us knew what was going to happen. We scheduled an appointment in Omaha for Monday, so we had to sit at home all weekend with this news. I am glad we had that time though, because I think Adam and I both researched as much as we could, which is what brought us to our decision to carry to term. It helped us so much reading blogs of other families that were going through the same thing. If they could do this, so could we. I still wasn't sure how I was going to go the next 6 months, carrying a baby inside me that was not going to live, but knew it would all work out like it was suppose to....and it did.

I wish every day I could go back to that day, and change the outcome, I wish everyday that Jillian was here with us. Some days I get so mad at all of this, some days I still feel like I am in shock as to what we have been through. But with all that said, I would not change anything given the situation we were in. Yes, I could change the diagnosis in a heartbeat, but I know we are so glad we carried to term and got to spend so much time with Jillian. Sunday also marks 7 months since she was born......7 months already. Seven months of missing her.....each day we miss her the same. The pain doesn't get any better. How we deal with is has gotten better, but I don't think that pain will ever go away....