Heaven Sent and Heaven Bound

Well, I was pretty much dreading posting this, but decided we wanted people to know what was going on, so here goes...February 13, 2009 Adam and I went into have our 16 week routine ultrasound. We were pretty excited, hoping everything was ok, and that we would maybe get to find out the sex. We were unable to find out the sex, and unfortunately, found out some bad news, that our baby has a fatal neural tube defect called Anencephaly. I had never heard of this before, so we were just in shock, pretty much not knowing what was going on. They called our doctor in right away and he explained to us what it was, and that it is indeed 100% fatal. What happens, is when the spinal cord is forming, for some reason, the top of the brain stem does not form properly, therefore, the baby's brain and skull do not form. We were devastated and spent the whole weekend kind of in a daze...and I was doing all the research I could.

On Monday, we went to Omaha to see our new perinatologist, and had some genetic counseling. They were all wonderful, and very informative, although I had done so much research on my own, I pretty much knew everything they were talking about. They took another ultrasound (which told us that we are having another GIRL!!!) and confirmed what they found in Ida Grove, and weighed our options. In this situation, you pretty much have 2 options, to terminate the pregnancy, or carry to term, knowing the outcome will not change. Being 16 weeks already, seeing the baby kick, and seeing the tiny fingers and toes on the ultrasound, the only option for us was to carry the baby to term, or as long as God will allow. We know that our little girl might not make it to term, or she could be stillborn, we could get 5 minutes, 2 hours, 10 hours, or 3 days......we just don't know...but our reasoning.....this is our baby, we have seen and heard her little heartbeat, and already loved her for the past 4 months, so we owe it to her and to ourselves and families to bring her into the world, to meet her, get to hold her, and say our goodbyes...as hard as that is going to be....

The last week really has been tough, some days are ok, and others I could stay in bed and cry all day, and wonder "why us?" But I know everything happens for a reason, and sometimes things aren't fair....but I know we are strong, and we have THE BEST family and friends so I know we will get through this, and in the end find peace knowing she is resting and in Heaven.

We have chosen not to tell Ellie yet, as we don't want her to worry, but will tell her when we feel it is time. I am not looking forward to that day at all......

So that is our story up to this point. I wanted to blog this for a couple reasons....first, I feel the more people that know, the more support we will have, and there will be even that many more prayers being said, and second, I do this blog as a "story of our life" and this is what is happening "right now" so as sad as it is, it is what our family is going through, and would like to document our journey.If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask, like I said, I have done a lot of research, so feel like I am pretty informed. This is by far the hardest thing that Adam and I have ever gone through, but like I said, I know we will make it through.....

Oh....also this weekend, after a lot of deliberation, we decided on an name for our little girl, and decided Jillian Grace would make a beautiful name for a beautiful little girl! I guess I was set on naming her now, as we don't know how long we will have her with us, and I thought giving her a name now was only appropriate! We also let Ellie chose the middle name, so she is a pretty proud big sister knowing she choose Grace! Last night, Ellie even made some beaded bracelets, one for her, one for Malia and a tiny one for Jillian----so that was pretty special.