Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Jillian's Story Continued...

Ok, picking up where I left off from before....I was released from the hospital only about 30 hours after Jillian arrived, and coming home without our little girl was terrible. I was full of adrenaline int he hospital, and really felt no pain, until I got home, my heart was aching, and so was my body. I am lucky that my mom was staying with us to help take care of me, and lucky that my in laws and Andrew and Lisa watched the girls for us, and kept things pretty "normal" for them. The night we came home I went to bed early, as I didn't sleep a wink the night before, as I was holding Jillian all night, taking to her, watching her make her cute faces, and noises, I didn't want to miss a thing, and know God allowed me to have that special time with her, alone, just her and I.

We had to wait until Friday to get to dress her, and we were both very anxious to get to see and hold Jillian again. We got to dress her in her beautiful pink and white striped dress, with the matching cardigan. We spent some time holding her and taking it all in. It was so hard when it was time to lay her in her tiny casket. I knew this was the last time I would hold her. She layed in the little white casket, wrapped in the beautiful blanket Teresa had made, her little angel bear that matches Ellie and Malia's, and her beautiful diamond cross necklace that Aunt Jamie had given her. She looked so cute, I just wanted to bring her home, not place her in the casket.

The following day, Saturday, just 4 days after she was born, was the day to say our final goodbyes. We had a private family visitation at the funeral home, and a short graveside service at the cemetery. Afterwards, Adam's aunts put together a very nice reception for everyone at our house, I am so glad we did this. I didn't want to come home to an empty house without her. It was sad though, all our family here, she was the missing piece. We should have been throwing a party for everyone to meet her, instead we were gathering to celebrate her 22 hours, which is nice, just not what we had ever planned. We had 9 months to plan for Jillian, not in a normal way you plan for a baby, but the only way we knew how to plan for our baby that wasn't going to survive. I think looking back, I don't think we could have planned and prepared for her any better. With that said, looking back on things after she was born, there are still a couple things that I am really struggling with, things I wish I would have done differently...nothing that I can change, just something I have to deal with I guess.....just precious time we can't get back.

I never imagined in my life that I would bury my baby, just isn't something you really ever think about until it happens. It's so hard...we think about her everyday. Some days are still hard, but most days are ok. I can feel we are being carried, through every one's prayers.

It is so hard for me to look back and try to "replay" in my mind every little detail.....it is too hard. So this is the last of Jillian's story that I am going to share. My plan is to keep her blog up for a little while longer, and when I am ready, I am going to print her blog, and add it to her memory chest. I guess I feel like she is now a part of our family, and anything I want to write about her, or update about her, will be a part of our family blog. I am not quite ready to complete this blog yet, but in due time.

Thanks to all my loyal readers, to keeping up with my ramblings. I feel like I just ramble, and not sure if any of it really makes sense, and I am NOT GOOD with talking about how I am feeling, but I am working on that. Adam and I are BOTH working on that and grieving TOGETHER. It's hard, its hard for me to show my emotions to anyone, and I know it is for Adam as well. We are just trying to do the best we can. Some days are still really hard, and some days we are ok. Not a day goes by that Jillian isn't in our thoughts...we miss her sooo much, but I say it all the time....HOW LUCKY ARE WE....TO SPEND 22 FABULOUS HOURS WITH HER????? I mean really-----she was a fighter, and I will never forget the quiet hours in the night I spent with her and I alone....its priceless. I know that in her short time, all she knew was LOVE.
Some more pictures:
Jillian and I on the ride to our room---proud mommy!!

This is a picture I took in the night when it was just her and I, she was blowing bubbles and making cute high pitched noises. I have it on video, but we haven't brought ourselves to watch it yet---but we will.

This is at the funeral home, after getting her dressed.

Her beautiful flowers.....and the butterflies were a perfect touch! :)


Chris, Abby, Ayden, Elliott & Ashley said...

we think of her everyday too, we love her and miss her, and pray for you daily! This has to be the hardest part, grieving... we don't know what to say, or to do, but we LOVE you all very much and ask God every day to help you heal and find peace!

Amy said...

I think Abby said it perfectly about not knowing what to do or say for you but just praying for you every day!

Much Love~

Christi said...

Wow, that tough to get through!! What a perfect little peanut:) I agree with Abby and Amy as well- our family continues to pray for God to lift up your spirits and help everyone in your family get through another day. I pray for your and Adams heart's to heal, and for strength, and understanding with each other (I'm glad your getting through together!), but remember its okay to have differences on the mourning/healing process and long as you continue to look to God and have understanding with each other you WILL make it through this journey.

Ending with a really B I G *HUG*

Sheryl said...

I am amazed at the strength you have shown throughout all of this -I just wish the best to you and your family. You guys will always be in my thoughts and prayers -

Holly said...

I have a tough time sharing emotions too. I'm so used to keeping them to myself. Writing really helps me get them out.

I think it's a wonderful idea about printing the blog. I have thought of doing the same thing with certain entries. (I don't even know if you can just pick which entries you want or not.)

Jillian is so beautiful.