Jillian's Outfits

I finally got the last of Jillian's little outfits in the mail today---and was so excited to how cute everything was, I thought I would share!

The first one is a gift from Grandma Teresa. It is a beautiful long, white Christening gown with a matching hat. I would like Jillian to wear this after she if born when Father is there for her baptism and prayers. It is perfect, might be a little big, and I know the hat will be too big for sure, so I might get it altered, or I might not----it really isn't that big of a deal---it will look perfect no matter what! Thank you so much Teresa, it means so much that she will wear this knowing you picked it out---with lots of love! :)

This next outfit I just got in the mail today---I ordered it online from Bellaclairebaby and I couldn't be more excited how cute it turned out!!!!! I got to pick the colors of the ribbon and bows, and thought this one was perfect, before we found out about Jillian's condition, I was planning on doing a light pink and green nursery, so when I saw this one, I knew it was the one I wanted with the same colors! The boutique does not sell hats, but I knew I wanted a matching hat, so I found my own white preemie hat and had them make me a matching bow to add the the hat----I think this will look absolutely adorable for pictures and a great keepsake for us!

The third outfit is a comfy outfit I got from BabyGap---I love that BabyGap has preemie stuff, so I got her this tiny pink one piece outfit with a tiny matching onesie to go underneath, a pair of little white socks so her little feet don't get cold, and another pink preemie hat. It is soooo soft and little, should be perfect. I think this should work for the rest of our hospital stay.

This last outfit is the dress I picked out by accident, wasn't looking for a dress on that day, but when I saw it I just knew it was the one for her burial. So I picked it up, with a matching light pink cardigan, and hat. I know the hat is going to be too big as well, but I just had to buy it since it matched. Even if she doesn't wear it, it will be another keepsake that matches the dress she will be buried in. I will also put a little pair of white socks with this outfit too.

We are also having a couple blankets made, one of which she will also be buried with--and I will have the macthing one. So when we get those I will be sure to post. I can't wait to see how they turned out!!!

So as you can see this is what I have been putting my focus on lately. I guess this is the "fun stuff" and have enjoyed picking out her cute little things. The "not so fun" stuff we have been putting off, like meeting with the funeral home, but we know we will have to do that in the near future.

Hope you like her outifts and I know she will look prefect in them! :)

Filled With Love

Here is my latest self portait "belly pic!" I just love this shirt, thanks to Candi, this shirt was worn with Reese, Malia and now Jillian! I thought it would make an adorable belly picture!!!!!

A Place To Remember

Since I am posting gifts, and everyone says they like to see them, and I like to share the kindness of everyone:)-----this is a book I got from another close friend since we were little, Amy, a few weeks ago, before I started Jillian's blog. It is a great way to document everything throughout the pregnancy. Thanks so much Amy, it will be a great place for me to write down everything, so I won't forget all the little things!!!!
Also, since everyone would like to see Jillian's little outfits, I will post them as soon as I have them all. I am still waiting on 2 to come in the mail, in the next couple days. So I will post them as soon as I get them. Everything is so little and cute not to share! :)

More Kindness

Today we got ANOTHER surprise in the mail-----this was from my dear friend Candi :) Thank you so much for this beautiful necklace!!!! When I first opened it, it brought a tear to my eye, this is the first gift Jillian has that actually has her name on it! I LOVE it! I had actually seen these necklaces online and thought they were soooo neat......so what a great surprise! I am also thinking since it does have her name, it might look great use during our maternity photos? I know I say it all the time----but seriously we are so lucky to have some great people around us!!!!
(EDIT: Necklace was made at the Vintage Pearl , a really cute, trendy Etsy boutique!)

Today I also picked up Jillian's christening gown from Grandma Teresa. This gown is what I plan on Jillian wearing right after she is born. It is absolutely beautiful!!!! She picked a perfect one!!!! Thank you soooo much!!!!! (I am waiting to post outfits later, when I have everything, or maybe I won't post the outfits, haven't decided yet?)

(I also hope people don't think anything bad of me posting the gifts Jillian receives, I just like to share with everyone all the cute things, and for those that live far away (like my mom!) you get to see what we have!) And know we are more than grateful for everything!!!!!!!!

So sweet....

I wanted to show everyone this simply adorable teeny tiny little bracelet that came in the mail today from Christi------ really it is tiny, looks like it will be a good fit!

Thanks so much Christi-----it is perfect for Jillian! It just makes me feel so lucky to know we have so many great friends and family thinking of us, and getting a nice card and this special gift inside just made me smile (after a pretty "up and down" day) Thanks! :)

Wrapped in Love...

Yesterday after church, Father told us he had a gift for us. He had been on a mission trip in Arizona a couple weeks ago, right after we had prayed with him about Jillian, and brought back this beautiful shawl that someone had made for us. It came with a little card attached, and was made with a lot of hope and love. We were very grateful, and I will be wrapping up in it as much as I can!!!!!

With Easter this weekend, I thought A LOT about Jillian. Moments would hit while watching all the kids, that next Easter, she probably won't be with us, and I just so wish she could, so I found myself fighting back the tears. I also thought about getting her an Easter basket, as this is probably the only Easter she will "be with us," so thought about celebrating that, but for some reason I just didn't. Now I wish I would have.....and gotten some pictures of "me and Jillian" or a family picture for memories----but again, for some reason, I guess we didn't.

3 am

It is almost 3 am, and I cannot fall asleep tonight, my body is tired, but my mind just won't stop. I am feeling so much anxiety right now, I hate this feeling. Must be something going on, Malia and Ellie have both been up twice, not able to sleep either. I don't know.

I figured maybe if I wrote down some things, it might allow my mind to clear, therefore allow myself to fall asleep....

I feel like Jillian and the upcoming months are constantly on my mind, that it is hard to focus on anything but her and how everything is going to happen. I look at other mom's blogs that have lost their babies, and my heart breaks for them, and then I have to step back and think, "wait a minute, I am going to be in that same situation in a couple months," and I think it really terrifies me. I am not in denial, I know what is going to happen, but I just can't for the life of me imagine that WE have to go through this, so until she is here, I feel like I just try to plan and make sure I have everything perfect for when she is born, and all my energy is focused on that right now. It is all just soooo scary and so unreal when I really sit back and think about what is going on. I know I shouldn't ask why.....but really, I want to know why? Why us? Why does this have to happen to us? I just don't understand...

Like I said I have been trying to get everything planned for her birth, and trying to make sure every little detail is perfect. I guess if we only get a couple days with our little girl, I want everything to be just right, I would say that is my Type A personality coming out :) We have already bought a couple things for Jillian...Grandma Teresa got her christening outfit that she will wear right after she is born, and I have also picked out an adorable layette and matching hat for her to wear in the hospital, with cute ribbons and her name embroidered on the front, and we also pretty much by accident, bought her burial outfit. I wasn't at all searching for one the other day while out shopping with Adam and the girls, but we walked into Gap and I saw this tiny pink and white satin dress hanging and right away knew it was perfect, so we got it and a matching pink cardigan and matching hat. It is adorable. So we are getting a few things done...which is a good feeling. But still so many other things to get and plan and think about....

One thing that changed today was our photographer. I had planned on using the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer in Omaha, but after a lot of debating I contacted Danika at Knop Photography here in Ida Grove and she was so generous and I am sooo excited to have her do the pictures. She has taken Ellie and Malia's pictures in the past and did a great job, so I am so grateful that she was willing to do them for us. She is also going to do our maternity pictures in May. (so again, I am trying to get things in order for those pictures as well, with outfits, etc) I think the photographer and pictures are just soooo important. I guess I just think these are the only pictures we will have forever, and we only get one chance, so I want them to be prefect, from her little clothes, to her jewelry, blankets...everything. See----so many details to think about... {{CLICK HERE to go to the Knop Photography website. Danika takes awesome pictures, and her digital editor Theresa does a fabulous job too!}}

I know this is just my ramblings, and maybe not even making sense, but I just felt like I needed to get a couple things written down, and out of my mind, at least for tonight. We obviously have never went through this before, and really are winging it. But it is so surreal to think that I am planning for our daughter's death. That is just hard to even wrap my head around...especially when she is alive and kicking and growing right now. Some days I just don't know what is going on, I don't know what to think, some days I don't want to think about it, I just want to enjoy the time she is here, and try not to think about the heartache that is about to come...

Ellie

Well, we finally found the strength to tell Ellie what was going on with Jillian. She took it pretty well, which I kind of expected. She was upset at first, and asking SO MANY questions, but she really is a strong, SMART little girl!!!! We told her that Jillian has an "owie" on her head and that at this point only God can fix it, and all we can do is pray that he does, but if he doesn't, Jillian will be our little angel in heaven, and we won't be mad at Him for not healing her, He has a plan, and she will be healed in Heaven. After a lot more discussion, and tears, I think she has a good understanding, as much as a 6 year old can, and I know when Jillian is born and goes to Heaven, it will be as tough on Ellie then, as it will be on the rest of us. For now, I told her it is ok to be sad, and to talk to us and ask us any questions, but NOT to worry, as it is out of ours hands. We are also going to take her with us next time we see Father, so I am sure that will help as well.

Then yesterday, she was kinda cute...we were sitting in the living room, and Malia was sitting right by us, and she whispered to me "Mom, do you think we should tell Malia?" She was like an adult trying to figure out if we should tell Malia, she amazes me! I of course told her Malia wouldn't understand, so we don't need to break the news to her.

So I feel like a weight has been lifted by telling Ellie, now I just pray she continues to take it ok, and not to worry at school, etc.

Check Up

Today was a follow up check up with Dr. Levine in Omaha. He was very impressed with how well Jillian is growing, and is right where she needs to be. They got all the measurements, except the head, which would not be accurate anyway. She was very active and kept putting her hands in front of her face, so we never got a good picture of her cute little face! He also said my fluid levels are also right where they need at be, at 16, so that is a great sign, and her bladder was full, and there were "bubbles" in her stomach, which means she IS swallowing, so hopefully my levels will stay normal, and I won't have to have an amnio! I will keep my fingers crossed!

He also brought up the possibility of organ donation. He said that as long as her organs are healthy, which he says they look great as of now, that there might be a strong possibility for organ donation, which both Adam and I are pretty hopeful for. I know this is so tragic for us, but if our loss can help other families and babies, then we are all for it. We won't know more about that for sure until later, but we just talked about it briefly today.

As for me, my blood pressure is still great, but my weight was down a little AGAIN, I know my appetite has been not the greatest, but I am eating, so not sure how I keep losing? Nothing to be too concerned out, but again, something to watch I guess.

We did get a few more pictures today, but to be honest, they didn't label them, and I CANNOT tell you what I am even looking at! That stinks-----he even tried the 4D one to get a good picture of her face for us, but she wouldn't cooperate!! :) Maybe next time!

So----everything is good, all things considered, but nothing has changed...darn it!