Tuesday, April 7, 2009

3 am

It is almost 3 am, and I cannot fall asleep tonight, my body is tired, but my mind just won't stop. I am feeling so much anxiety right now, I hate this feeling. Must be something going on, Malia and Ellie have both been up twice, not able to sleep either. I don't know.

I figured maybe if I wrote down some things, it might allow my mind to clear, therefore allow myself to fall asleep....

I feel like Jillian and the upcoming months are constantly on my mind, that it is hard to focus on anything but her and how everything is going to happen. I look at other mom's blogs that have lost their babies, and my heart breaks for them, and then I have to step back and think, "wait a minute, I am going to be in that same situation in a couple months," and I think it really terrifies me. I am not in denial, I know what is going to happen, but I just can't for the life of me imagine that WE have to go through this, so until she is here, I feel like I just try to plan and make sure I have everything perfect for when she is born, and all my energy is focused on that right now. It is all just soooo scary and so unreal when I really sit back and think about what is going on. I know I shouldn't ask why.....but really, I want to know why? Why us? Why does this have to happen to us? I just don't understand...

Like I said I have been trying to get everything planned for her birth, and trying to make sure every little detail is perfect. I guess if we only get a couple days with our little girl, I want everything to be just right, I would say that is my Type A personality coming out :) We have already bought a couple things for Jillian...Grandma Teresa got her christening outfit that she will wear right after she is born, and I have also picked out an adorable layette and matching hat for her to wear in the hospital, with cute ribbons and her name embroidered on the front, and we also pretty much by accident, bought her burial outfit. I wasn't at all searching for one the other day while out shopping with Adam and the girls, but we walked into Gap and I saw this tiny pink and white satin dress hanging and right away knew it was perfect, so we got it and a matching pink cardigan and matching hat. It is adorable. So we are getting a few things done...which is a good feeling. But still so many other things to get and plan and think about....

One thing that changed today was our photographer. I had planned on using the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer in Omaha, but after a lot of debating I contacted Danika at Knop Photography here in Ida Grove and she was so generous and I am sooo excited to have her do the pictures. She has taken Ellie and Malia's pictures in the past and did a great job, so I am so grateful that she was willing to do them for us. She is also going to do our maternity pictures in May. (so again, I am trying to get things in order for those pictures as well, with outfits, etc) I think the photographer and pictures are just soooo important. I guess I just think these are the only pictures we will have forever, and we only get one chance, so I want them to be prefect, from her little clothes, to her jewelry, blankets...everything. See----so many details to think about... {{CLICK HERE to go to the Knop Photography website. Danika takes awesome pictures, and her digital editor Theresa does a fabulous job too!}}

I know this is just my ramblings, and maybe not even making sense, but I just felt like I needed to get a couple things written down, and out of my mind, at least for tonight. We obviously have never went through this before, and really are winging it. But it is so surreal to think that I am planning for our daughter's death. That is just hard to even wrap my head around...especially when she is alive and kicking and growing right now. Some days I just don't know what is going on, I don't know what to think, some days I don't want to think about it, I just want to enjoy the time she is here, and try not to think about the heartache that is about to come...

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Adam, Jodi, and the girls....I wanted to let you know that I have been constantly praying for you guys. My sister called me yesterday and shared with me how happy she is that she gets to help you cherish the time you will get with your little girl. You all are so strong and I know God will help you get through this difficult time. Much love, Autumn Kline

Amy said...

It is understandable why you ask "Why" - I have wondered the same thing myself. You and Adam are such wonderful parents and people that such a devastating thing shouldn't happen to good people.
That's wonderful that you found outfits for the hospital, christening and burial. I'm sure it does help ease some of your anxiety knowing that you have found the perfect outfit for your precious little angel to wear.
Also, I think it's great that you are having Danika take the pictures - it might be comforting to have someone taking the pictures that you know and I'm sure she will capture some great ones for you to treasure always.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. Love ~

Holly said...

Why is a good question that many of us have asked but have never gotten the answer. I'm closer to understanding why but I will never fully grasp it all until Heaven. You sound a lot like me. :) I pretty much planned out all the details. For me, it was something that I could have control over since I couldn't control whether my daughter lived or died. What sizes did you buy for Jillian? Do they know how big she will be? Carleigh was 3 lbs 15 oz and I got an outfit from the Preemie Store online for preemies size 3-5 lbs. It fit her great except for her hat, which was absolutely huge on her. I have a friend from Cafemom who made some hats for Carleigh and there was one that fit her absolutely perfect. It was a small, white crochet hat with ties on it. Carleigh wore it the entire time and she looked so cute in it. If you like, I can see if she can make you one b/c "normal" hats will never fit our babies. I'm glad you are going with a photographer you are comfortable with. Photos are definitely something you will cherish. I know it doesn't feel right making plans for your daughter's death when she is very much alive. It didn't feel right to me either. I'm here if you need anything!

Chris, Abby, Ayden, Elliott & Ashley said...

It seems to me impossible to plan for something of that nature, but in all reality, it is coming, as devastating as it may be. We are happy to help with anything and would love to be able to give little Jillian anything that she needs, please let us know if there is anything or anyway we can help out. Try to put your mind at ease, God will help everyone through this!

Celia said...

I found your blog through Holly's. Holly and I are part of a support group online called Anencephaly Blessings from Above. She has touched my heart in such a special way. I am so very sorry to hear about your precious daughter Jillian. It is such a hard road to travel. I am near the end of my journey. I am expecting a little boy we named Noah. My due date is May 10th. I have chosen to do an elective C-section if I go past that date and that was just shceduled for May 13th. No amount of planning though is going to completely prepare me for the day when I finally get to meet Noah. You sound so much like me, asking why this is happening. I wish we could get those answers but we won't, at least not this side of heaven and maybe not ever.
As with Holly, I am in awe that you have already planned so much already. It is great to have that ability to plan. Unlike so many other situations, we can at least take comfort in that.
I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you. I myself struggle just about daily with the "why" question. I only know that leaning on God is what is getting me through. I am only able to endure this because of His love and grace.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers from this moment forward. God bless you and your family.

Nicole said...

Hello sweetie, my name is Nicole and my son Logan Quinn was born with anencephaly on November 28, 2005 and passed away 33 hours later. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. There are a lot of us mommies to these special little babies and please don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need some support, someone to vent to, or just want to talk about your little girl.
((hugs))
Nicole
www.loganquinn.blogspot.com

The Hamann Family said...

You are always on my mind... it breaks my heart that you have to go through this! We will continue our prayers and thoughts and let us know if we can do any little thing to ease your heartache.