3 am

It is almost 3 am, and I cannot fall asleep tonight, my body is tired, but my mind just won't stop. I am feeling so much anxiety right now, I hate this feeling. Must be something going on, Malia and Ellie have both been up twice, not able to sleep either. I don't know.

I figured maybe if I wrote down some things, it might allow my mind to clear, therefore allow myself to fall asleep....

I feel like Jillian and the upcoming months are constantly on my mind, that it is hard to focus on anything but her and how everything is going to happen. I look at other mom's blogs that have lost their babies, and my heart breaks for them, and then I have to step back and think, "wait a minute, I am going to be in that same situation in a couple months," and I think it really terrifies me. I am not in denial, I know what is going to happen, but I just can't for the life of me imagine that WE have to go through this, so until she is here, I feel like I just try to plan and make sure I have everything perfect for when she is born, and all my energy is focused on that right now. It is all just soooo scary and so unreal when I really sit back and think about what is going on. I know I shouldn't ask why.....but really, I want to know why? Why us? Why does this have to happen to us? I just don't understand...

Like I said I have been trying to get everything planned for her birth, and trying to make sure every little detail is perfect. I guess if we only get a couple days with our little girl, I want everything to be just right, I would say that is my Type A personality coming out :) We have already bought a couple things for Jillian...Grandma Teresa got her christening outfit that she will wear right after she is born, and I have also picked out an adorable layette and matching hat for her to wear in the hospital, with cute ribbons and her name embroidered on the front, and we also pretty much by accident, bought her burial outfit. I wasn't at all searching for one the other day while out shopping with Adam and the girls, but we walked into Gap and I saw this tiny pink and white satin dress hanging and right away knew it was perfect, so we got it and a matching pink cardigan and matching hat. It is adorable. So we are getting a few things done...which is a good feeling. But still so many other things to get and plan and think about....

One thing that changed today was our photographer. I had planned on using the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer in Omaha, but after a lot of debating I contacted Danika at Knop Photography here in Ida Grove and she was so generous and I am sooo excited to have her do the pictures. She has taken Ellie and Malia's pictures in the past and did a great job, so I am so grateful that she was willing to do them for us. She is also going to do our maternity pictures in May. (so again, I am trying to get things in order for those pictures as well, with outfits, etc) I think the photographer and pictures are just soooo important. I guess I just think these are the only pictures we will have forever, and we only get one chance, so I want them to be prefect, from her little clothes, to her jewelry, blankets...everything. See----so many details to think about... {{CLICK HERE to go to the Knop Photography website. Danika takes awesome pictures, and her digital editor Theresa does a fabulous job too!}}

I know this is just my ramblings, and maybe not even making sense, but I just felt like I needed to get a couple things written down, and out of my mind, at least for tonight. We obviously have never went through this before, and really are winging it. But it is so surreal to think that I am planning for our daughter's death. That is just hard to even wrap my head around...especially when she is alive and kicking and growing right now. Some days I just don't know what is going on, I don't know what to think, some days I don't want to think about it, I just want to enjoy the time she is here, and try not to think about the heartache that is about to come...