2 Weeks

It is hard to believe it has been 2 weeks since Jillian was born. Wow---seems just like yesterday we were all cuddling with her, watching her cute little faces, watching her yawn, and giving her lots of hugs and kisses----and now we are missing her. Each day is different. Some days are ok, I get through the day without crying, and the next, I am very emotional and can't stop thinking about her. But it has only been 2 weeks, so I would assume that is to be expected. We went out to visit Jillian again tonight, always feels comforting to go to the cemetery...we are there almost every night! (We think we need a bench! HAHA!) It is just so peaceful when we go, on the hill with a little breeze and the sun setting---its nice.

Today we also received something in the mail I wasn't quite prepared for----her death certificate. It was a little odd opening up the letter to find out what it was....we haven't even gotten her birth certificate yet---don't really know what to do with it, I guess stick it in her memory box? Hmmmmm? Not sure? Something you don't really think about getting for one of your children...

Ellie has also started to get a little more emotional and had a couple break downs--which was kind of a relief to me. I didn't know how to read her, she really hadn't cried much or talked about Jillian, she been keeping it inside----but now for the past couple nights, she cries at bedtime. She told me she tries not to think about Jillian, because it makes her cry, and at bedtime is when she lays there and thinks about her, so she gets sad. We cry together and I tell her it is ok to cry and think about her, and we will get through this together. One thing she is having a really hard time with, is that she never got to see Jillian's eyes. We all wish she would have looked at us, but for Ellie, it really bothers her. We decided though, that since she had dark hair like me, that her eyes would have been dark too----Ellie just doesn't think she looked like a blue eye or green eyed girl---definitely a brown eyed girl. :) It breaks my heart to have Ellie hurting---I want to take the hurt away from her, but I can't. It is something we all have to endure and face head on. Grief is a crazy thing---even knowing for 6 months about Jillian's condition, you can still NEVER prepare for how much it hurts when they are gone.

Jillian---we all miss you more than words can say. We wish you were here with us right now, I wish I was having sleepless nights, waking up to feed and change you, and rock you back to sleep, I wish your sisters were getting to know you and getting used to your place in our little family, and Daddy was taking long naps with you laying in his chest. I know you are happy, healthy and healed in Heaven, but still can't help but wish you were here.