Wednesday, July 29, 2009

2 Weeks


It is hard to believe it has been 2 weeks since Jillian was born. Wow---seems just like yesterday we were all cuddling with her, watching her cute little faces, watching her yawn, and giving her lots of hugs and kisses----and now we are missing her. Each day is different. Some days are ok, I get through the day without crying, and the next, I am very emotional and can't stop thinking about her. But it has only been 2 weeks, so I would assume that is to be expected. We went out to visit Jillian again tonight, always feels comforting to go to the cemetery...we are there almost every night! (We think we need a bench! HAHA!) It is just so peaceful when we go, on the hill with a little breeze and the sun setting---its nice.

Today we also received something in the mail I wasn't quite prepared for----her death certificate. It was a little odd opening up the letter to find out what it was....we haven't even gotten her birth certificate yet---don't really know what to do with it, I guess stick it in her memory box? Hmmmmm? Not sure? Something you don't really think about getting for one of your children...

Ellie has also started to get a little more emotional and had a couple break downs--which was kind of a relief to me. I didn't know how to read her, she really hadn't cried much or talked about Jillian, she been keeping it inside----but now for the past couple nights, she cries at bedtime. She told me she tries not to think about Jillian, because it makes her cry, and at bedtime is when she lays there and thinks about her, so she gets sad. We cry together and I tell her it is ok to cry and think about her, and we will get through this together. One thing she is having a really hard time with, is that she never got to see Jillian's eyes. We all wish she would have looked at us, but for Ellie, it really bothers her. We decided though, that since she had dark hair like me, that her eyes would have been dark too----Ellie just doesn't think she looked like a blue eye or green eyed girl---definitely a brown eyed girl. :) It breaks my heart to have Ellie hurting---I want to take the hurt away from her, but I can't. It is something we all have to endure and face head on. Grief is a crazy thing---even knowing for 6 months about Jillian's condition, you can still NEVER prepare for how much it hurts when they are gone.

Jillian---we all miss you more than words can say. We wish you were here with us right now, I wish I was having sleepless nights, waking up to feed and change you, and rock you back to sleep, I wish your sisters were getting to know you and getting used to your place in our little family, and Daddy was taking long naps with you laying in his chest. I know you are happy, healthy and healed in Heaven, but still can't help but wish you were here.

8 comments:

Amy said...

I can't believe it's been two weeks already. I'm sure your emotions are going to be a roller coaster for awhile. Poor Ellie - I'm sure this is all so hard and confusing for her at 7. I know even at my age, I still don't understand and so I can only imagine what a 7 year old is feeling. I'm sure it was hard to receive the death certificate in the mail and like you said - especially before the birth certificate. Putting it in Jillian's memory box would be a good place for it.

Always thinking and praying for you!

Much Love~

Katie said...

There is not much to say....But we love you!!! Katie and Kadon

Jamie said...

I can't believe it has been 2 weeks already:( It feels like yesterday that I was cuddling her and loving on her!!
I have been wondering about Miss Ellie, she is a very strong little girl but I thought it would only be a matter of time before she would crack. You are the best mommy in the world and will help her 'understand' as much as she can! We love you all very very much!!!

Chris, Abby, Ayden, Elliott & Ashley said...

Oh! If only I could take the pain away...I can't even describe how much we miss Jillian and how we hurt for your loss...I am sorry Ellie has been having a rough time...grief knows no age limits...I pray for her to heal and her to find comfort...I agree Jillian was a brown eyed girl!Lots of love and hugs to you all!!!

Candi Ladwig said...

I have to admit... i have been so busy I haven't stopped by the blog in a while! I love the pics. You are getting some incredible gifts... jewelry, food, and poems?? That is so neat! Your frames look so good! I love the one in your room. I've always thought of you when I think of butterflies, and as you saw on the box I made you... I added three little butterflies for the three girls. I think Jillian is a perfect little butterfly :)

MOM said...

That made me cry. I miss Jillian so much. I miss all of you too, but I'm kind of here "alone"...with my own thoughts. I think it is normal for Ellie to grieve, and with time just like us adults it will get better. She is a smart and strong little girl and she has so many people she can lean on...
I love you and miss you all so much!!
Is the baby bunny still hanging around? I know that was a sign....
Thank you for our little Jillian....the little girl with the dark hair and BROWN eyes!!! Such a beauty.....

Trisha Larson said...

My daughter was 9 1/2 when Nate died. She had bonded with him those 25 days and took it REALLY hard when he died. She had MANY sleepless nights and cried a lot at school when other friends would talk about their baby's at home. It took a few months for her to be okay. What really helped her (and me) was finding others that had lived the same experience and came out okay. That's when I noticed her changing. If you don't know of anyone for her to talk to, I'm sure that my now almost 11 year old would be happy to. Just let me know.

Love,
Trisha

Holly said...

You are doing so amazing and I'm so sorry that Ellie has been hurting so much for her sister. That bond of sisters will always be there. I'm glad though that she isn't keeping it bottled inside.

We put Carleigh's death certificate in the fireproof safe with our birth certificates. Since she was born still we never got a birth certificate.