Monday, August 3, 2009

Jillian's Story Continued

Continuing from where I left off before----Jillian passed away at 7:35 on July 15. This was obviously very heart wrenching for all of us, but I think something came over me, maybe adrenaline, right away I knew I needed to get myself up and going, and there were still pictures we needed to take, the next couple hours are kinda a blur to me----I remember taking a shower and trying to make myself presentable for pictures, my dad called Danika to see if she could get there right away...and she did! By this time, I was up and going, and was able to dress my little girl for the first time. I changed her into her beautiful, long, white gown...it was a little big, but she looked like an angel. Danika did a great job getting some pictures of Jillian in her gown, with her Angel bear, all three of the girls together, Jillian's tiny toes and fingers, family pictures, pictures with the girls and their bracelets that Ellie had made.....I knew exactly in my head all the details I wanted to remember her by, and with the help of Danika, we were able to achieve that. When we were done with the dress, I changed her into her last outfit I brought with us, and I think my favorite, being the little pink Gap outfit, with matching onesie and hat, and little white socks----it was a preemie size, and I think it was made for her. She just looked beautiful in this little pastel pink outfit----not that that outfits matter, it is just the memory of her with these "tangible" things that we hold in our hearts.

Wow----it really is hard to take myself back to that day, I can feel all the emotions coming back...

After we were done with pictures, we spent the next couple hours with Jillian. A lot of our family stopped by the hospital again to see her one last time before the funeral. I don't know what it was, but in those hours after she passed, she looked so content and peaceful. That was the hardest few hours---it might have been selfish, but I didn't want to share her. I knew in a couple hours, we were going to have to let her go, so it was hard for me to not have her in my arms----this little girl that was just inside me for the last 9 months, would soon be gone, forever. At one point, I think it all just hit me, and with most of our family in the room, I just lost it, I was trying to be sooo strong, but sometimes you can only do that so long. I also knew it was about time for us to call the funeral home and have them come and get her. Adam and I spent a little time alone with Jillian, we KNEW this time was coming, but I don't think ANYTHING could have prepared me for how I would feel when they actually got there to take her. The thing I remember from that moment, is what I was MAD! This is the first time that I really was MAD that this was happening to us----and wanted to know WHY US??? It is so unfair. That is the part I am really trying to forget....that moment when I had to kiss her and send her away is just something no parents should have to do-----and there are no words to describe how much that hurt.......

Soon after she was taken, they released me as well. This is one thing I will be forever thankful for---there is no way I could have stayed at the hospital, in that room, any longer. That is where Jillian spent her entire life, I couldn't stay there without her. So luckily we have a GREAT doctor that I will be forever grateful too, for letting me go home, and making a special house call the next day instead of keeping me there. Luckily, I had GREAT help at home too....which I couldn't have done it without the help of especially my mom, she was my nurse for a couple days. To think...I had just had surgery a day and a half ago, and now I was recovering from that, and also had a broken heart. I also don't know how I would have gotten through the next few days without the help of our families----I say it all the time, but really we were very blessed to have such wonderful support during that time. I have a "blogger friend" who also lost her baby boy, and she talks a lot about how a lot of her friends and family abandoned them afterwards. I know that was a really hard thing for me after the funeral and everything is "over"---is that everyone returns to work, continues on with their lives, and we are still sitting here with our worlds torn apart. It was especially hard for me when my mom had to go back to Denver the day after Jillian's service-----it was nice to have people around, and the distractions, and then all the sudden, you are sitting here all alone----thinking, now what? Grief is such a crazy thing.
(Click here to read how Trisha describes this as "Drowning" )

Ok, that is all for now, this is so much harder than I thought----I want to make sure I get this all down though, I want to get it written before I maybe forget some details. If some of this doesn't make sense, because it is just my rambling on and on---sorry, but I am just typing what I am feeling and how I see things.....I am no writer by any means, but I am writing from my heart...and want to document all of this, it is just REALLY hard reliving it---and as hard as it is to relive it, it also makes me smile to relive it....there is so much heartache, but I also smile when I picture her cute little face, and everything about her-----our baby girl. So many mixed emotions.

I just know one thing-----we all MISS her and LOVE her SO MUCH!

9 comments:

MOM said...

Oh Jodi....I miss her too. Reading what you wrote brought back the memories for me too. I know you are hanging in there, but it is OK to have a breakdown once in awhile....I know I do!
Even though we only had a wonderful 22 hours with her....we all know what an angel she is and that she is looking out for all of us.
Things and life can be so unfair sometimes....I know. But when I get angry at the things that I struggle with in life, I remember how blessed I was to meet this little girl and things kind of come back in prespective for me.
The grief will get easier in time, but probably will never go away, and that is OK.

Amy said...

Jodi - I hate so much that you had to go through this. I really can NOT even imagine the pain you must have felt and feel now to lose a child and then to have to give her away to the funeral home to take - I'm sure that was the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life. It is okay to just "lose it" sometimes - I think you need to. I'm so happy that you did get 22 hours with Jillian so you do have some happy memories with her too mixed in with sad ones.
Praying and thinking of you all the time!

Aunt Janna said...

Yes indeed! We miss her and love sweet little precious Jillian Grace very much!! I think about you, Adam, and the girls every day and want you to know that!

With love and prayers,
Janna

Chris, Abby, Ayden, Elliott & Ashley said...

Oh, such a sweet baby! Now an angel...I am sorry for your hurt that day and every day since then...I can't imagine...love and prayers!

Sheryl said...

I am really very sorry that you, Adam, Ellie and Malia had to go thru this (and will have to continue to go thru it). I think you are very brave to share your thoughts and feelings - and I think it is a good thing to do, whether they are good or bad feelings. Glad you liked the book -I hope that with time your memories will bring more smiles than grief. Thinking of you often -

Candi Ladwig said...

Thank you so much for sharing her story... and I hope it helps you by sharing it. We all are wondering "why" and someday we will know the answer... it may not be today, or anytime soon... but there is a reason.

Love you lots, and thinking of your family everyday!

Holly said...

Just you writing about handing her over to the funeral home brought tears to my eyes because that was so VERY VERY hard for me....handing her over. The worst moment of my life. But it's so good to write out the details. So important to remember those little things. Even if it hurts writing them out.

Katie said...

Jodi...we have always had many talks on why things happen and how unfair life can be....and we have always said there is a reason... Someday we will find out why this happen and why it has happen to you. I know that you are hurt and are mad. Please never be afraid to tell someone how mad you are...That is part of grieving. It will never get better, but it will get easier. The image of you handing her over will someday be replaces only with happy images. I wish as always I could take your pain away. But like I have said.... You and Adam have the most Beutiful angel I have ever seen. (I have to tell you at the pool today I saw a Butterfly fluttering around Pia when we were in the baby pool and thought of Jillian Grace and how that was her way of playing with her big sister)Hang in there.... I love all of you very much...Katie

The Hamann Family said...

thank you for sharing your story... what beautiful memories! My heart aches for you all! God was kind to give you what little time you had with your baby girl... and know that she is now safe with him. Hang in there Jodi and family... we are all thinking of you!