First Baby Pics!

Today was our visit with Dr. Levine in Omaha. We had a GREAT visit-----seriously we are SO BLESSED to have the best doctors!!!! He is so down to earth and makes us feel so at ease about our decisions. He also thought there was no problem with delivering here in IG----so we have one more visit scheduled with him in 6 weeks, before Jillian's arrival!

Everything looks fantastic---my blood pressure is still great, and Jillian looked great, he said she is measuring a little small, not too small, just a little, so we should expect her to be a little smaller, which he said is not abnormal, but she looks great! He also said there is still fluid in her stomach and she was "peeing" so that is a good sign. My fluid levels though we a little high----mine were 24 and he said 25 would be borderline high----so nothing to worry about this time, but if I start to feel like I am getting bigger or more uncomfortable, just to let him know.

We were also so lucky to get some great 3D/4D pictures of her today! We watched her for probably 15 minutes on the 3D----and that was amazing! I never had them with Ellie or Malia----but it is the coolest thing!!! It is like you are looking right at her! She was very squirmy and we saw her open her mouth one, and even stick her tongue out!!!! Too cute! So here are the pictures we got from today---a lot easier to see than the last 2D ones we had taken several weeks ago!

Enjoy-----isn't she so darn cute?!?!?

Love this one! It looks like she is wearing a hat!!!! :)

This one is her cute little ear and her hands covering her face!

30 Weeks

Wow, I can't believe we are already to 30 weeks!

I had an OB visit today, and everything was routine, and we found out that we will be able to deliver here in Ida Grove, and we are going ahead with a C-Section. Seriously, we are thrilled! It may sound odd that we had to ok it first, but for those who don't know, we live in a town less than 3,000 people, and our hospital is not really a "high risk" hospital, but we thought considering our situation, we know the outcome, and we don't need a NICU that the bigger hospitals have, so it is mainly for our comfort level, just being right here in our hometown makes me breathe a sigh of relief. So we are very grateful for that!

We have an appointment tomorrow in Omaha with our perinatologist, so will get to have another ultrasound done, hopefully we will get another 3D/4D done and hopefully we her little face! I will be sure to post if we do!

Willow Tree Figurines

I am just so thankful for all the kind words and acts of kindness from people. Today, my neighbor Stephanie stopped and gave me this really neat Willow Tree figurine. It is called the "Angle of Mine" and says "so loved, so very loved" on the card. I LOVE it!!!!!

This also reminded me that I hadn't posted the other one I had gotten from Trudie, an angel of "courage" that I seriously would look at when I was feeling down, and remind me that I can do this, we will make it through this.

AND.....also my friend since I was 2, (wow that's a long time!!!!) Katie had given me these 2 small angels a while back also, that I never got blogged! So I wanted to say a HUGE THANK YOU for the thoughtfulness, and they really do brighten my day! I have also "secretly" loved the Willow Tree figurines and wanted to start collecting them....so now I can!

I think the last week has really been a good one. I find myself at a pretty good place with all of this. I still don't like it, and wish things were different, but I think I am coming to an acceptance, that this our journey, we have been chosen to carry Jillian, and as tough as that sometimes, we will all be ok, knowing she will be healed and in Heaven. I am sure I will have many more ups and downs in the next couple months, but for now, I think we are doing pretty well. (considering the situation that is)

Updates

First off I want to say thank you so much for all the wonderful comments I received over the last few days. As you may have noticed, I deleted the last 2 posts, and unfortunately all the comments got deleted as well. I was having a rough couple days, but after I "calmed down" I realized this blog is not a place I want to vent or sounds ungrateful, so I chose to delete the posts. We really are super lucky and know we have a great support system----so thank you for all the kind words everyone said, I think it lifted my spirits!



On another note----I had my 28 week check up today with Dr. Veltri. Everything seems to be doing fine, Jillian had a strong heartbeat in the 160's, my blood pressure is still fine, and I am measuring right on track. For some reason though, I have not gained any weight with the pregnancy? I have in fact lost about 9 pounds since the day I found out I was pregnant???? Figure that one out? I know my appetite is just not there, but I am eating---so I guess for the next couple weeks I am going to try to watch my food intake a little more and see if I can't put on a couple pounds---not that I look like I am wasting away or anything---I don't!!!! HAHA!!! Other than that----everything with Jillian and myself are going just fine.



One thing I did talk with him about today was delivery. You see, Adam and I had been talking over the last few weeks about really wanting to deliver in Ida Grove(our hometown) and not in Omaha(2 hours away). At first I was a little leary and I didn't know what I wanted, but I think after we really thought about it, this is where our home is, this is where our family is, Father Heeman, our photographer, the funeral home....it just feels "right to deliver here." I had asked him today what he thought about that and said he would have an answer for me at our next visit in 2 weeks, so I am hopeful we can go ahead and plan for that. I have also decided about 95% sure that I am going to have a C-Section. I have never had one before, and don't really want to, but under the circumstances, I have decided it is the best choice for us. I want every minute possible with her, so if there is a greater chance with a C-Section, than I guess I am willing to take it. I also know that if we do decide (or if we even can) have more children in the future, I will have to continue with the sections, but again, I am ok with that. So I will keep you all updated on our delivery plans as I find out for sure.



One more thing----I was too tired last night with our busy weekend to post, but my mother in law had given me the blankets she had made for us yesterday------there are 2 identical blankets, one for Jillian and one for me to keep! I just love the idea of always having the exact same blanket Jillian does----I am sure I will be cuddling with mine many nights. So thank you so much for the blankets----they are beautiful and will be perfect!!!!! :)






I almost forgot also-----I just started reading the book "I'll Hold you in Heaven" thanks to Abby for picking it up for me!! I have been following Holly's website and she is doing a "book club" over this book, so thought I would join. I am am not one to add to the discussions, but I am reading along and love to see what other people think, and helps me and my understanding.

That's it for now-----just taking it day by day!

Jillian's Outfits

I finally got the last of Jillian's little outfits in the mail today---and was so excited to how cute everything was, I thought I would share!

The first one is a gift from Grandma Teresa. It is a beautiful long, white Christening gown with a matching hat. I would like Jillian to wear this after she if born when Father is there for her baptism and prayers. It is perfect, might be a little big, and I know the hat will be too big for sure, so I might get it altered, or I might not----it really isn't that big of a deal---it will look perfect no matter what! Thank you so much Teresa, it means so much that she will wear this knowing you picked it out---with lots of love! :)

This next outfit I just got in the mail today---I ordered it online from Bellaclairebaby and I couldn't be more excited how cute it turned out!!!!! I got to pick the colors of the ribbon and bows, and thought this one was perfect, before we found out about Jillian's condition, I was planning on doing a light pink and green nursery, so when I saw this one, I knew it was the one I wanted with the same colors! The boutique does not sell hats, but I knew I wanted a matching hat, so I found my own white preemie hat and had them make me a matching bow to add the the hat----I think this will look absolutely adorable for pictures and a great keepsake for us!

The third outfit is a comfy outfit I got from BabyGap---I love that BabyGap has preemie stuff, so I got her this tiny pink one piece outfit with a tiny matching onesie to go underneath, a pair of little white socks so her little feet don't get cold, and another pink preemie hat. It is soooo soft and little, should be perfect. I think this should work for the rest of our hospital stay.

This last outfit is the dress I picked out by accident, wasn't looking for a dress on that day, but when I saw it I just knew it was the one for her burial. So I picked it up, with a matching light pink cardigan, and hat. I know the hat is going to be too big as well, but I just had to buy it since it matched. Even if she doesn't wear it, it will be another keepsake that matches the dress she will be buried in. I will also put a little pair of white socks with this outfit too.

We are also having a couple blankets made, one of which she will also be buried with--and I will have the macthing one. So when we get those I will be sure to post. I can't wait to see how they turned out!!!

So as you can see this is what I have been putting my focus on lately. I guess this is the "fun stuff" and have enjoyed picking out her cute little things. The "not so fun" stuff we have been putting off, like meeting with the funeral home, but we know we will have to do that in the near future.

Hope you like her outifts and I know she will look prefect in them! :)

Filled With Love

Here is my latest self portait "belly pic!" I just love this shirt, thanks to Candi, this shirt was worn with Reese, Malia and now Jillian! I thought it would make an adorable belly picture!!!!!

A Place To Remember

Since I am posting gifts, and everyone says they like to see them, and I like to share the kindness of everyone:)-----this is a book I got from another close friend since we were little, Amy, a few weeks ago, before I started Jillian's blog. It is a great way to document everything throughout the pregnancy. Thanks so much Amy, it will be a great place for me to write down everything, so I won't forget all the little things!!!!
Also, since everyone would like to see Jillian's little outfits, I will post them as soon as I have them all. I am still waiting on 2 to come in the mail, in the next couple days. So I will post them as soon as I get them. Everything is so little and cute not to share! :)

More Kindness

Today we got ANOTHER surprise in the mail-----this was from my dear friend Candi :) Thank you so much for this beautiful necklace!!!! When I first opened it, it brought a tear to my eye, this is the first gift Jillian has that actually has her name on it! I LOVE it! I had actually seen these necklaces online and thought they were soooo neat......so what a great surprise! I am also thinking since it does have her name, it might look great use during our maternity photos? I know I say it all the time----but seriously we are so lucky to have some great people around us!!!!
(EDIT: Necklace was made at the Vintage Pearl , a really cute, trendy Etsy boutique!)

Today I also picked up Jillian's christening gown from Grandma Teresa. This gown is what I plan on Jillian wearing right after she is born. It is absolutely beautiful!!!! She picked a perfect one!!!! Thank you soooo much!!!!! (I am waiting to post outfits later, when I have everything, or maybe I won't post the outfits, haven't decided yet?)

(I also hope people don't think anything bad of me posting the gifts Jillian receives, I just like to share with everyone all the cute things, and for those that live far away (like my mom!) you get to see what we have!) And know we are more than grateful for everything!!!!!!!!

So sweet....

I wanted to show everyone this simply adorable teeny tiny little bracelet that came in the mail today from Christi------ really it is tiny, looks like it will be a good fit!

Thanks so much Christi-----it is perfect for Jillian! It just makes me feel so lucky to know we have so many great friends and family thinking of us, and getting a nice card and this special gift inside just made me smile (after a pretty "up and down" day) Thanks! :)

Wrapped in Love...

Yesterday after church, Father told us he had a gift for us. He had been on a mission trip in Arizona a couple weeks ago, right after we had prayed with him about Jillian, and brought back this beautiful shawl that someone had made for us. It came with a little card attached, and was made with a lot of hope and love. We were very grateful, and I will be wrapping up in it as much as I can!!!!!

With Easter this weekend, I thought A LOT about Jillian. Moments would hit while watching all the kids, that next Easter, she probably won't be with us, and I just so wish she could, so I found myself fighting back the tears. I also thought about getting her an Easter basket, as this is probably the only Easter she will "be with us," so thought about celebrating that, but for some reason I just didn't. Now I wish I would have.....and gotten some pictures of "me and Jillian" or a family picture for memories----but again, for some reason, I guess we didn't.

3 am

It is almost 3 am, and I cannot fall asleep tonight, my body is tired, but my mind just won't stop. I am feeling so much anxiety right now, I hate this feeling. Must be something going on, Malia and Ellie have both been up twice, not able to sleep either. I don't know.

I figured maybe if I wrote down some things, it might allow my mind to clear, therefore allow myself to fall asleep....

I feel like Jillian and the upcoming months are constantly on my mind, that it is hard to focus on anything but her and how everything is going to happen. I look at other mom's blogs that have lost their babies, and my heart breaks for them, and then I have to step back and think, "wait a minute, I am going to be in that same situation in a couple months," and I think it really terrifies me. I am not in denial, I know what is going to happen, but I just can't for the life of me imagine that WE have to go through this, so until she is here, I feel like I just try to plan and make sure I have everything perfect for when she is born, and all my energy is focused on that right now. It is all just soooo scary and so unreal when I really sit back and think about what is going on. I know I shouldn't ask why.....but really, I want to know why? Why us? Why does this have to happen to us? I just don't understand...

Like I said I have been trying to get everything planned for her birth, and trying to make sure every little detail is perfect. I guess if we only get a couple days with our little girl, I want everything to be just right, I would say that is my Type A personality coming out :) We have already bought a couple things for Jillian...Grandma Teresa got her christening outfit that she will wear right after she is born, and I have also picked out an adorable layette and matching hat for her to wear in the hospital, with cute ribbons and her name embroidered on the front, and we also pretty much by accident, bought her burial outfit. I wasn't at all searching for one the other day while out shopping with Adam and the girls, but we walked into Gap and I saw this tiny pink and white satin dress hanging and right away knew it was perfect, so we got it and a matching pink cardigan and matching hat. It is adorable. So we are getting a few things done...which is a good feeling. But still so many other things to get and plan and think about....

One thing that changed today was our photographer. I had planned on using the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer in Omaha, but after a lot of debating I contacted Danika at Knop Photography here in Ida Grove and she was so generous and I am sooo excited to have her do the pictures. She has taken Ellie and Malia's pictures in the past and did a great job, so I am so grateful that she was willing to do them for us. She is also going to do our maternity pictures in May. (so again, I am trying to get things in order for those pictures as well, with outfits, etc) I think the photographer and pictures are just soooo important. I guess I just think these are the only pictures we will have forever, and we only get one chance, so I want them to be prefect, from her little clothes, to her jewelry, blankets...everything. See----so many details to think about... {{CLICK HERE to go to the Knop Photography website. Danika takes awesome pictures, and her digital editor Theresa does a fabulous job too!}}

I know this is just my ramblings, and maybe not even making sense, but I just felt like I needed to get a couple things written down, and out of my mind, at least for tonight. We obviously have never went through this before, and really are winging it. But it is so surreal to think that I am planning for our daughter's death. That is just hard to even wrap my head around...especially when she is alive and kicking and growing right now. Some days I just don't know what is going on, I don't know what to think, some days I don't want to think about it, I just want to enjoy the time she is here, and try not to think about the heartache that is about to come...

Ellie

Well, we finally found the strength to tell Ellie what was going on with Jillian. She took it pretty well, which I kind of expected. She was upset at first, and asking SO MANY questions, but she really is a strong, SMART little girl!!!! We told her that Jillian has an "owie" on her head and that at this point only God can fix it, and all we can do is pray that he does, but if he doesn't, Jillian will be our little angel in heaven, and we won't be mad at Him for not healing her, He has a plan, and she will be healed in Heaven. After a lot more discussion, and tears, I think she has a good understanding, as much as a 6 year old can, and I know when Jillian is born and goes to Heaven, it will be as tough on Ellie then, as it will be on the rest of us. For now, I told her it is ok to be sad, and to talk to us and ask us any questions, but NOT to worry, as it is out of ours hands. We are also going to take her with us next time we see Father, so I am sure that will help as well.

Then yesterday, she was kinda cute...we were sitting in the living room, and Malia was sitting right by us, and she whispered to me "Mom, do you think we should tell Malia?" She was like an adult trying to figure out if we should tell Malia, she amazes me! I of course told her Malia wouldn't understand, so we don't need to break the news to her.

So I feel like a weight has been lifted by telling Ellie, now I just pray she continues to take it ok, and not to worry at school, etc.

Check Up

Today was a follow up check up with Dr. Levine in Omaha. He was very impressed with how well Jillian is growing, and is right where she needs to be. They got all the measurements, except the head, which would not be accurate anyway. She was very active and kept putting her hands in front of her face, so we never got a good picture of her cute little face! He also said my fluid levels are also right where they need at be, at 16, so that is a great sign, and her bladder was full, and there were "bubbles" in her stomach, which means she IS swallowing, so hopefully my levels will stay normal, and I won't have to have an amnio! I will keep my fingers crossed!

He also brought up the possibility of organ donation. He said that as long as her organs are healthy, which he says they look great as of now, that there might be a strong possibility for organ donation, which both Adam and I are pretty hopeful for. I know this is so tragic for us, but if our loss can help other families and babies, then we are all for it. We won't know more about that for sure until later, but we just talked about it briefly today.

As for me, my blood pressure is still great, but my weight was down a little AGAIN, I know my appetite has been not the greatest, but I am eating, so not sure how I keep losing? Nothing to be too concerned out, but again, something to watch I guess.

We did get a few more pictures today, but to be honest, they didn't label them, and I CANNOT tell you what I am even looking at! That stinks-----he even tried the 4D one to get a good picture of her face for us, but she wouldn't cooperate!! :) Maybe next time!

So----everything is good, all things considered, but nothing has changed...darn it!

Special Gift

Jillian received her first gift yesterday-----a beautiful silver cross necklace with a tiny diamond in the center, from Uncle Seth, Aunt Jamie and Blake! Thank you so much------it is beautiful!!!!

Beautiful Baby Girl!

I have been meaning to post these, here is Little Jillian at our last ultrasound, so about a month ago, I hope to get some new ones at our next visit in a couple weeks. I know sometimes it is hard to tell what you are looking at on ultrasounds...but here are the ones we got!

Here is her head and back...

Tiny Toes!

Legs---stretched wayyy out!

Yep-----another girl! :)

Thanks!

We just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for all the kind phone calls, e-mails, cards, special visits and gifts we have received over the last few weeks!!!! We can't even explain how lucky we are to have such wonderful friends and family to get us through! We have received gift cards to go out to eat, one night we got a wonderful meal delivered, Angel figurines, Willow Tree figurine, and a Memory Book--- seriously we appreciate everything!!

She is certainly an active little peanut----always kicking up a storm, and I love every minute of it!!!! I am also thinking she has had hiccups a couple times, but not sure if it was that, or kicks, but sure felt like it? Malia is especially interested in my belly! She is ALWAYS kissing and hugging it, and saying, Baby Jillian (she can't say her L's----so it is too cute to hear her say Jillian!!!!) and Ellie was tickled when she got to feel Jillian kick the other night!

So please everyone continue to PRAY PRAY PRAY for Little Jillian Grace! She is a special little girl, and we are grateful she is doing well, and she is no doubt, very much loved!!!!! :)

Heaven Sent and Heaven Bound

Well, I was pretty much dreading posting this, but decided we wanted people to know what was going on, so here goes...February 13, 2009 Adam and I went into have our 16 week routine ultrasound. We were pretty excited, hoping everything was ok, and that we would maybe get to find out the sex. We were unable to find out the sex, and unfortunately, found out some bad news, that our baby has a fatal neural tube defect called Anencephaly. I had never heard of this before, so we were just in shock, pretty much not knowing what was going on. They called our doctor in right away and he explained to us what it was, and that it is indeed 100% fatal. What happens, is when the spinal cord is forming, for some reason, the top of the brain stem does not form properly, therefore, the baby's brain and skull do not form. We were devastated and spent the whole weekend kind of in a daze...and I was doing all the research I could.

On Monday, we went to Omaha to see our new perinatologist, and had some genetic counseling. They were all wonderful, and very informative, although I had done so much research on my own, I pretty much knew everything they were talking about. They took another ultrasound (which told us that we are having another GIRL!!!) and confirmed what they found in Ida Grove, and weighed our options. In this situation, you pretty much have 2 options, to terminate the pregnancy, or carry to term, knowing the outcome will not change. Being 16 weeks already, seeing the baby kick, and seeing the tiny fingers and toes on the ultrasound, the only option for us was to carry the baby to term, or as long as God will allow. We know that our little girl might not make it to term, or she could be stillborn, we could get 5 minutes, 2 hours, 10 hours, or 3 days......we just don't know...but our reasoning.....this is our baby, we have seen and heard her little heartbeat, and already loved her for the past 4 months, so we owe it to her and to ourselves and families to bring her into the world, to meet her, get to hold her, and say our goodbyes...as hard as that is going to be....

The last week really has been tough, some days are ok, and others I could stay in bed and cry all day, and wonder "why us?" But I know everything happens for a reason, and sometimes things aren't fair....but I know we are strong, and we have THE BEST family and friends so I know we will get through this, and in the end find peace knowing she is resting and in Heaven.

We have chosen not to tell Ellie yet, as we don't want her to worry, but will tell her when we feel it is time. I am not looking forward to that day at all......

So that is our story up to this point. I wanted to blog this for a couple reasons....first, I feel the more people that know, the more support we will have, and there will be even that many more prayers being said, and second, I do this blog as a "story of our life" and this is what is happening "right now" so as sad as it is, it is what our family is going through, and would like to document our journey.If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask, like I said, I have done a lot of research, so feel like I am pretty informed. This is by far the hardest thing that Adam and I have ever gone through, but like I said, I know we will make it through.....

Oh....also this weekend, after a lot of deliberation, we decided on an name for our little girl, and decided Jillian Grace would make a beautiful name for a beautiful little girl! I guess I was set on naming her now, as we don't know how long we will have her with us, and I thought giving her a name now was only appropriate! We also let Ellie chose the middle name, so she is a pretty proud big sister knowing she choose Grace! Last night, Ellie even made some beaded bracelets, one for her, one for Malia and a tiny one for Jillian----so that was pretty special.